A Typical Job Interview For A Post Grad

Zoey, a recent post grad from a liberal arts school, is sitting in an office wearing a blazer purchased at H & M, a button down from Forever 21 and a high-waisted skirt from Zara. She’s going for a young professional kind of look, but sometimes her skirt rides up and it becomes very young unprofessional. She is sitting across from a scary man who will be referred to as only Mr. Boss Man.

Mr. Boss Man: You have quite the impressive resume here.

Zoey: Oh wow, I’m glad you think so. Yeah.

Mr. Boss Man: Let’s see, you interned at The New Yorker at the age of 17.

Zoey: Such a rewarding experience. Challenging and fun.

Mr. Boss Man: You built houses for orphans in Guatemala in the summer of ’08, got a piece published in The Atlantic about Adderall while you were still a senior at Sarah Lawrence and have 40,000 followers on your satirical Twitter account, Post Grad Problems?

Zoey: I hope you don’t mind that I put that down! I thought it might just be a fun fact for you to know. I started that account as a joke and now I’ve just been interviewed by the New York Times so it’s exciting.

Mr. Boss Man: Sounds like you’re quite the accomplished young lady. You’ve had six prestigious internships and have been published by some of the top magazines in the country.

Zoey: It’s not really that big of a deal. I mean, I’m still unemployed and haven’t gotten paid for anything so it can’t be that great. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FROM MR. BOSS MAN)

Mr. Boss Man: Let’s talk about the position. Zoey, I’m not going to lie to you. You’re up against some stiff competition for the administrative assistant job.

Zoey: Stiff? Really? Um, how stiff are we talking here?

Mr Boss Man: One of the candidates has a PHD from Yale.

Zoey: (TAKEN ABACK) Like they’re basically a doctor? They’re a doctor applying to be an administrative assistant? That’s…wow…just wow.

Mr. Boss Man: It’s a very coveted position, Zoey. As the administrative assistant, you’re essentially the glue of the company. It goes beyond faxing and mailing. You are an important representative of Clark & Brown literary agency!

Zoey: Oh no, I didn’t mean to suggest it wasn’t. I know what an amazing opportunity it would be to be your administrative assistant. It’s always been an, uh,  personal dream of mine.

Mr. Boss Man: Really?

Zoey: Totally. I mean, I wrote in my cover letter what an inspiration your company has been to me and how I would hope to use my skills to help the company reach its fullest potential.

Mr. Boss Man: I hear what you’re saying. I really do but I’m not feeling it enough. I need you to want to be the administrative assistant. Crave it.

Zoey: I’m craving it! I might need to go to rehab for it!

Mr. Boss Man: Okay, that’s enough. Calm down. That was a very weird joke about going to rehab but I’ll overlook it. (PAUSE) I’m going to do something real big here and take a chance on you. I’ll give you the job.

Zoey: Thank you so much for taking that chance! I know I’m not a doctor (just valedictorian of my school) so I appreciate you taking a leap of faith with me.

Mr. Boss Man: I’m scared here. I’m real scared. (WHILE LEAFING THROUGH ZOEY’S LAMINATED TEN PAGE RESUME) But something tells me you can do it.

Zoey: Thank you so much! You won’t regret it. (GETS UP TO LEAVE EXCITEDLY)

Mr. Boss Man: By the way, you have to intern with us for two months before we can pay you anything and your salary will be 19k a year.

Zoey: (STOPS AND BEGINS TO CHOKE BACK TEARS) Of course. I understand. I’m so…excited. See you Monday. TC mark

image – Tiny Furniture

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • A.

    “By the way, you have to intern with us for two months before we can pay you anything and your salary will be 19k a year.”

    It’s a three month internship and technically there’s no guarantee, okay? I’d really appreciate some sensitivity!

  • Asdf

    ” I hear what you’re saying. I really do but I’m not feeling it enough. I need you to want to be the administrative assistant. Crave it.”In my mind, this broke the juxtaposition you had going. For a minute I had to look at the character and make sure it wasn’t Zoey. Otherwise not a bad piece.

    • Asdf

      Ew! Disqus formatting failure! I am going to go cry now.

  • your cousin

    *self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head*

  • http://michaelynch.com Michael Lynch

    This sounds horrible but it’s unlike any of my post-grad interviews.

    • MP

      Me neither. I chose not to major in art history, womens’ studies, or philosophy…

  • Charles Reinhardt

    My life is like this currently, only slightly worse.

    • Guesty

      My life is like this only worse.  It’s probably the lack of college degree / internships / non-cashier/labor jobs.  

  • http://sarstar87.wordpress.com Sara

    Could not have said it better myself! Actually, maybe I did….http://sarstar87.wordpress.com​/2011/07/27/need-a-job-toofuck​ingbad-fml-homeless/

    • http://profiles.google.com/rosebudmeza Rose Meza

      shameless  plug!  shameless plug!

  • Guest

    that is what happens when you graduate with a liberal arts degree and absolutely zero transferable skills. 

    • its not

      well, in a service-oriented economy all non-technical skills are basically transferable skills. that is non-skill skills. I’m being serious. So, the problem is that the economy tanked and people keep graduating from college. Engineers and the manufacturing labor force doesn’t have it much better except that they have a chance at a slightly higher paying job than being a waittress at a tapas bar.

      • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

        Engineers? Really? I’m pretty sure my best friend’s sister graduated from college a year ago, got a job right after, has moved downtown and has managed to save up around 60k this year

  • http://pickyourfuture.wordpress.com/ RebekahMeinecke

    Maybe a LITTLE over the top but it definitely has a lot of truth to it!

    • its not

      didn’t seem over the top to me. maybe you live in Nova Scotia? heard things are better there.

  • Anonymous

    Unpaid intership shout out from an online magazine!

    • assistant2theassistant

      woot woot me too.  110% truth

  • http://twitter.com/DorryAlena Dorry Alena Funaki

    crap. this is what I have to look forward to when I graduate? fml. 

  • omg sarah lawrence

    why is sarah lawrence always name-dropped/photos used in TC articles? as a sarah lawrence student, i’m unsure how i should feel about this

  • LC

    really hit home for this Admin Assistant. wah wah.

  • http://twitter.com/WarofArt Joseph

    I got sweaty palms just from reading this. Job interviews are scary stuff.

  • Vera

    makes grad school sound like a better option. Student 4 lyfe. 

    • Jeffknavy

      Grad school grads do not have it any better. I swear. 

      • Anti-Climacus

        Maybe you’re just bad at what you do? 

      • its not

        you don’t get it.

      • Victor Eremita

        KIERKEGAARD

  • Elyse

    The thought of making only 19k a year put my stomach in knots. Thanks, World!

  • http://volidity-report.blogspot.com/ Herrence Meritocracy

    “wearing a blazer purchased at H & M, a button down from Forever 21 and a high-waisted skirt from Zara”

    These can be yours for only $179.99! You too can escape post-grad doldrums and anomie by purchasing these products!

  • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

    I made $27k the one year I worked full time as a low level assistant manager at a grocery store. And that is not enough money. So I decided to go back to school full time to achieve better salary. This crushes my dream. 

  • Tony Jiang

    so horribly true… fuck you economy 

  • http://saltwatercoffee.wordpress.com/ Sara K

    That’s exactly what I wore to my job interview last week! I might not have 40,000 Twitter followers BUT KIM KARDASHIAN once @/retweeted me!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I still want to watch that movie, Tiny Furniture.

    • Guestola

      it’s fucking hilarious. there should be more hype about it.

  • Anonymous

    I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry at the end of this, because its all true.  In may I was teaching at a university.  Now, I clean toilets at a spa.  

    Still waiting until that “influx of PhD’s” dilutes from the hiring pool…

  • Maxwell Smart

    All that fuss for 19K? Jesus. I make more than that with a high school diploma.

    • http://ethecofem.com Bayron

      I’m going through the same process, and I haven’t even graduated from high school.

      Start ’em early, start ’em young.

  • http://kilakilakila.blogspot.com/ brittany wallace

    I CAN’T EVEN FIND UNDEREMPLOYMENT

    • jc

      this.

    • Guest

      Same

    • Guest

      Same

    • Guest

      Same

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    website —— www (vipstores) net —— you can input on your web there,if you

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  • Luke

    Wah wah wah, shut the fuck up.

    • Guestola

      I guess the unemployment figures in Troll City aren’t as grim…

    • Guestola

      I guess the unemployment figures in Troll City aren’t as grim…

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