A Typical Job Interview For A Post Grad

Zoey, a recent post grad from a liberal arts school, is sitting in an office wearing a blazer purchased at H & M, a button down from Forever 21 and a high-waisted skirt from Zara. She’s going for a young professional kind of look, but sometimes her skirt rides up and it becomes very young unprofessional. She is sitting across from a scary man who will be referred to as only Mr. Boss Man.

Mr. Boss Man: You have quite the impressive resume here.

Zoey: Oh wow, I’m glad you think so. Yeah.

Mr. Boss Man: Let’s see, you interned at The New Yorker at the age of 17.

Zoey: Such a rewarding experience. Challenging and fun.

Mr. Boss Man: You built houses for orphans in Guatemala in the summer of ’08, got a piece published in The Atlantic about Adderall while you were still a senior at Sarah Lawrence and have 40,000 followers on your satirical Twitter account, Post Grad Problems?

Zoey: I hope you don’t mind that I put that down! I thought it might just be a fun fact for you to know. I started that account as a joke and now I’ve just been interviewed by the New York Times so it’s exciting.

Mr. Boss Man: Sounds like you’re quite the accomplished young lady. You’ve had six prestigious internships and have been published by some of the top magazines in the country.

Zoey: It’s not really that big of a deal. I mean, I’m still unemployed and haven’t gotten paid for anything so it can’t be that great. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FROM MR. BOSS MAN)

Mr. Boss Man: Let’s talk about the position. Zoey, I’m not going to lie to you. You’re up against some stiff competition for the administrative assistant job.

Zoey: Stiff? Really? Um, how stiff are we talking here?

Mr Boss Man: One of the candidates has a PHD from Yale.

Zoey: (TAKEN ABACK) Like they’re basically a doctor? They’re a doctor applying to be an administrative assistant? That’s…wow…just wow.

Mr. Boss Man: It’s a very coveted position, Zoey. As the administrative assistant, you’re essentially the glue of the company. It goes beyond faxing and mailing. You are an important representative of Clark & Brown literary agency!

Zoey: Oh no, I didn’t mean to suggest it wasn’t. I know what an amazing opportunity it would be to be your administrative assistant. It’s always been an, uh,  personal dream of mine.

Mr. Boss Man: Really?

Zoey: Totally. I mean, I wrote in my cover letter what an inspiration your company has been to me and how I would hope to use my skills to help the company reach its fullest potential.

Mr. Boss Man: I hear what you’re saying. I really do but I’m not feeling it enough. I need you to want to be the administrative assistant. Crave it.

Zoey: I’m craving it! I might need to go to rehab for it!

Mr. Boss Man: Okay, that’s enough. Calm down. That was a very weird joke about going to rehab but I’ll overlook it. (PAUSE) I’m going to do something real big here and take a chance on you. I’ll give you the job.

Zoey: Thank you so much for taking that chance! I know I’m not a doctor (just valedictorian of my school) so I appreciate you taking a leap of faith with me.

Mr. Boss Man: I’m scared here. I’m real scared. (WHILE LEAFING THROUGH ZOEY’S LAMINATED TEN PAGE RESUME) But something tells me you can do it.

Zoey: Thank you so much! You won’t regret it. (GETS UP TO LEAVE EXCITEDLY)

Mr. Boss Man: By the way, you have to intern with us for two months before we can pay you anything and your salary will be 19k a year.

Zoey: (STOPS AND BEGINS TO CHOKE BACK TEARS) Of course. I understand. I’m so…excited. See you Monday. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Tiny Furniture

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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