8 Things That Are Unintentionally Gay

1. Jackass

I really hate to burst your hetero bubble, but Jackass may have been the gayest show on television. It was certainly gayer than Queer As Folk, which went as far as showing men giving each other rimjobs. Yep, Jackass was still more homosexual than that. The bromance that existed between these men took homoeroticism to a new level. They were always naked and touching each other’s dicks, trying to inflict harm on their genitalia. Occasionally they would blow something up or eat dog shit but the whole show mostly revolved around naked men fondling each other. I don’t hate it but I must ask this: How cum straight guys are gayer than gay guys?

2. Twilight

Twilight was obviously written by a sexually frustrated Mormon housewife. Her books are all about frumpy girls and the muscle dreamboats who love them. Think about it. They make knockouts like Kirsten Stewart and Ashley Greene look like they work at K-Mart while Rob Pattinson takes off his shirt and gets real sparkly. Don’t even get me started on the sexy feelings everyone had towards jailbait Taylor Lautner. The dude is basically naked the entire film while his crush, Bella, walks around in Oreo-stained overalls. Now, that is a kind of an objectification I can get used to.

3. Details

Details is a funny magazine. Its intended audience is the Patrick Bateman type—a dude who does coke at his hedge fund job and takes home a different girl every night—but I’m pretty sure the editorial is overseen by fabulous gay men. Because next to all of the straight dude articles, there’s this bizarre fixation on gay culture.  Headlines read, “The New Designer Drug For Gay Men”, “Your Wife’s Brother Is Gay”, “Gay People Are Doing A Lot Of Gay Things This Month”, and “You’re Not Gay But Maybe You Are?” The fashion spreads are also raunchier than Out magazine’s, which I appreciate.

4. Gyms

Gyms might as well be a giant throbbing penis. There is nothing straight about dudes pumping iron in harmony. And you know what the unfair thing is? Women actually get sweaty and gross looking at the gym while men somehow get hotter. This probably has something to do with harmful gender attitudes—a woman is never meant to get dirty—but the fact remains that men are sexiest when they’re improving their body in a public space. And after they’re done looking like a babe on the treadmill, they all shower together in the locker rooms. Oh my god, gym locker rooms are a gift from the gay gods. If you see someone sexy working out, you can take joy in knowing that you can see their penis later. It’s amazing.

5. Having Feelings

Having feelings is seen as being unintentionally gay because society is a giant jerk with a small penis.

6. Henry Rollins

Sorry, you’re gay. Oh, you’re not actually? That’s nice. You’re still gay. We love you, Henry.

7. The Internet

The internet is secretly a really annoying gay dude with a lisp. He has a lot of opinions and he just never seems to go away! Spoiler: I AM THE INTERNET.

8. Children

Children are super gay because society hasn’t poisoned their minds yet with all of that masculinity crap. Little boys peck each other on the lips, play doctor, and give long hugs without knowing that such behavior could be construed as gay. This lasts until they’re old enough to know what pink and blue signifies and then they freak out and say, “DUDE, I’M NOT GAY. GET OFF ME!” Sigh. TC mark

image – Twilight

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

    Ahaha. Fairly Gay Indeed

  • http://www.facebook.com/graysont Grayson Thagard

    MTV’s Teen Wolf – gayer than Ross Matthews & David Gest being married by Kathy Griffin backstage at Priscilla Queen of the Desert.  All of whom (which) I love… save for David Gest.

    • klaus

      how so?

  • newbornrodeo

    definitely had a friend think i was gay when he saw this Details cover on my desk: http://bit.ly/phRvSv

    also, i’ve talked to editors there and they know how gay it is.

    *buys Shia LaBeouf issue*

  • klaus

    1 More Things That Is Unintentionally Gay:

    —— GAY PEOPLE

    • Anonymous

      This comment is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

  • Dubya

    What’s happening to Thought Catalog? 

    This isn’t funny enough to be satire or insightful enough to be commentary. It just reads as ignorant mudslinging.

    Pick up the slack TC.

    • A6310

       I thought it was pretty insightful…

  • Sippycup

    Gay man insecure about straight people living their lives. News at a11.

    • privileged

      OMG THE GAYS ARE AFTER ME. Next those tyrannical blacks and single mothers are going to come for me! Save me from their oppression!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Where have you been?  The whole world has gone gay.  The entire steel industry. Yeah, aerospace too and the railroads. And you know what else? Broadway. 

  • JonQ288

    Yay essentializing the homosexual community Yay   

  • godly penis

    9. Thought Catalog

    I feel very feminine whenever I read the stuff in here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    What the fuck is this article?

  • Guest

    come one, not even a ‘Home Depot’ bone for the lesbians?

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    harhar. this shit right here, is gay. 

  • Tim

    The Henry Rollins part made me laugh…

  • Brianne

    DETAILS IS SO GAY!

  • Wiplost

    One thing you forgot: Spartans.

    People made jokes about the recent film 300 being gay, but reality is better than the movie. Although Spartans wore armor, during festivals, Spartan warriors would dance around wearing nothing but a cape. Zach Schneider, if you are going to show idealized Spartans, lose the damn speedos. Since when are you going for historical accuracy.

    Also, since wars involved prolonged separation of soldiers from females, gay sex was encouraged to relieve sexual tension.

    Doesn’t get gayer than that.

  • blazingparakeet

    You’re Not Gay But Maybe You Are?

  • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

    Gatsby. 

    • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

      as in the hair product.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Jackass is like porn to me.

  • Crganvolts

    Really gay article.

  • Waicool

    gay shit ha ha

  • http://music-is-worthless.blogspot.com Marcellis C.

    “…knockouts like Kirsten Stewart…” I read that line five different times. 

  • rita

    this just made my hangover a little better.  imma have some water.

  • http://setoshino.wordpress.com Setoshino

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

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