I really hate to burst your hetero bubble, but Jackass may have been the gayest show on television. It was certainly gayer than Queer As Folk, which went as far as showing men giving each other rimjobs. Yep, Jackass was still more homosexual than that. The bromance that existed between these men took homoeroticism to a new level. They were always naked and touching each other’s dicks, trying to inflict harm on their genitalia. Occasionally they would blow something up or eat dog shit but the whole show mostly revolved around naked men fondling each other. I don’t hate it but I must ask this: How cum straight guys are gayer than gay guys?
Twilight was obviously written by a sexually frustrated Mormon housewife. Her books are all about frumpy girls and the muscle dreamboats who love them. Think about it. They make knockouts like Kirsten Stewart and Ashley Greene look like they work at K-Mart while Rob Pattinson takes off his shirt and gets real sparkly. Don’t even get me started on the sexy feelings everyone had towards jailbait Taylor Lautner. The dude is basically naked the entire film while his crush, Bella, walks around in Oreo-stained overalls. Now, that is a kind of an objectification I can get used to.
Details is a funny magazine. Its intended audience is the Patrick Bateman type—a dude who does coke at his hedge fund job and takes home a different girl every night—but I’m pretty sure the editorial is overseen by fabulous gay men. Because next to all of the straight dude articles, there’s this bizarre fixation on gay culture. Headlines read, “The New Designer Drug For Gay Men”, “Your Wife’s Brother Is Gay”, “Gay People Are Doing A Lot Of Gay Things This Month”, and “You’re Not Gay But Maybe You Are?” The fashion spreads are also raunchier than Out magazine’s, which I appreciate.
Gyms might as well be a giant throbbing penis. There is nothing straight about dudes pumping iron in harmony. And you know what the unfair thing is? Women actually get sweaty and gross looking at the gym while men somehow get hotter. This probably has something to do with harmful gender attitudes—a woman is never meant to get dirty—but the fact remains that men are sexiest when they’re improving their body in a public space. And after they’re done looking like a babe on the treadmill, they all shower together in the locker rooms. Oh my god, gym locker rooms are a gift from the gay gods. If you see someone sexy working out, you can take joy in knowing that you can see their penis later. It’s amazing.
5. Having Feelings
Having feelings is seen as being unintentionally gay because society is a giant jerk with a small penis.
6. Henry Rollins
Sorry, you’re gay. Oh, you’re not actually? That’s nice. You’re still gay. We love you, Henry.
7. The Internet
The internet is secretly a really annoying gay dude with a lisp. He has a lot of opinions and he just never seems to go away! Spoiler: I AM THE INTERNET.
Children are super gay because society hasn’t poisoned their minds yet with all of that masculinity crap. Little boys peck each other on the lips, play doctor, and give long hugs without knowing that such behavior could be construed as gay. This lasts until they’re old enough to know what pink and blue signifies and then they freak out and say, “DUDE, I’M NOT GAY. GET OFF ME!” Sigh.