1. Drink an iced blended mocha from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
For those of you who are unfamiliar, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is a corporate coffee shop littered all over Los Angeles. I think it’s actually more popular than Starbucks. Some of them are super bourgie with fireplaces and plush seating, which makes it it totally socially acceptable to just hang out there all day long with your computer. What’s amazing about Coffee Bean though is that no one orders real coffee there. They get something called an ice blended mocha, which is seriously like an ice cream sundae. It probably has 10,000 calories and it tastes like dessert crack but people just sip on that shit all day like it’s their fuel. They also have a pure chocolate drink, which is quite literally chocolate powder and milk blended together. I know it sounds gross but it’s shamefully delicious.
2. Eat a macrobiotic burger and have a big fat line of cocaine for dessert
People eat healthy in Los Angeles. They’re all about the mixed greens, the fresh pressed juices and embracing any fad diet that promises immediate weight loss. Because of this, you end up going to a lot of restaurants that have things like “elixir edamame” and “buddha burger” on the menu. Forty dollars later, you’re still starving and may need to have a fourth meal at Taco Bell just to deal. But have no fear because something wicked and white this way comes. The reason why Los Angelenos are able to subsist on leaves and compliments is because there is SO MUCH COCAINE HAPPENING. Don’t get it twisted. If someone has a healthy glow and is carrying a yoga mat, chances are they keep a vial next to their Kombucha. This dichotomy of healthy organic princess and raging cokehead is strange but so is L.A.. Look, if I teach you anything about this city, let it be this: NOTHING MAKES SENSE EVER EVER EVER. If you want logic, go to Boston or something. That city seems to have its shit together.
3. Wander aimlessly down Melrose wearing a sun bonnet, sunglasses and carrying a copy of Less Than Zero
It’s okay to be confused in L.A.. People are scrunching their noses up in confusion every day here. “Do I take Wilshire or Santa Monica? Has the pot I picked up from my neighborhood dispensary kicked in yet? Wait, have I had a human interaction in two days?” Walk down any major street in L.A. and you’re bound to join the mindfucked masses. First of all, walking in L.A. is just a really disorienting activity. Instead of seeing exciting places and people, you’re passing strip malls and maybe an 80-year-old with a walker. Cars are whizzing past you, the heat is beating down on your face and you have a good 45 minutes before you can reach something that’s not a nail salon or a Scientology building. Embrace this surreal life by dressing like an absolute freak, waving at passing cars and throwing your copy of Less Than Zero at a waiter at Spago’s.
4. Have an existential crisis
L.A. can make you go crazy. It’s something in the Pellegrino because people just love to lose their shit in this city. But instead of crying in public, you weep silently in your car or on a hike in the canyons. Here’s how I think of L.A.. It’s a city that comes in a beautiful package. It has a chic bow, and you can tell it’s been impeccably wrapped by someone at a gift counter. You can’t wait to open it! The second you do, however, you notice that the wrapping actually has creases and tears in it. The bow suddenly breaks off and you find yourself holding something beautiful that’s crumbling. It looked so flawless, so strong; you wondered how it could fall apart so quickly. But here it is: A big steaming pile of beautiful shit. Things are just never what they seem here. And being in a city that’s so isolated and strange is bound to make you go a little nuts. So do it! (Just not when people can see you).
5. Make plans to do all of these things and then break them suddenly for no reason
You’re not going to do anything I just told you to do, are you? That’s okay, I don’t blame you! It’s the L.A. way to flake out. Everything is just so far apart and difficult that it’s easy for days to get deleted before you get a chance to do anything you said you were going to do. There was traffic on the way to Coffee Bean, you couldn’t get in touch with a coke dealer, Barnes & Noble didn’t have Less Than Zero. You’re not really sure what you did instead though. Laid on a beach? Drove to Santa Barbara? Who? What? I’m starving.