5 Things To Do While Visiting Los Angeles

1. Drink an iced blended mocha from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is a corporate coffee shop littered all over Los Angeles. I think it’s actually more popular than Starbucks. Some of them are super bourgie with fireplaces and plush seating, which makes it it totally socially acceptable to just hang out there all day long with your computer. What’s amazing about Coffee Bean though is that no one orders real coffee there. They get something called an ice blended mocha, which is seriously like an ice cream sundae. It probably has 10,000 calories and it tastes like dessert crack but people just sip on that shit all day like it’s their fuel. They also have a pure chocolate drink, which is quite literally chocolate powder and milk blended together. I know it sounds gross but it’s shamefully delicious.

2. Eat a macrobiotic burger and have a big fat line of cocaine for dessert

People eat healthy in Los Angeles. They’re all about the mixed greens, the fresh pressed juices and embracing any fad diet that promises immediate weight loss. Because of this, you end up going to a lot of restaurants that have things like “elixir edamame” and “buddha burger” on the menu. Forty dollars later, you’re still starving and may need to have a fourth meal at Taco Bell just to deal. But have no fear because something wicked and white this way comes. The reason why Los Angelenos are able to subsist on leaves and compliments is because there is SO MUCH COCAINE HAPPENING. Don’t get it twisted. If someone has a healthy glow and is carrying a yoga mat, chances are they keep a vial next to their Kombucha. This dichotomy of healthy organic princess and raging cokehead is strange but so is L.A.. Look, if I teach you anything about this city, let it be this: NOTHING MAKES SENSE EVER EVER EVER. If you want logic, go to Boston or something. That city seems to have its shit together.

3. Wander aimlessly down Melrose wearing a sun bonnet, sunglasses and carrying a copy of Less Than Zero

It’s okay to be confused in L.A.. People are scrunching their noses up in confusion every day here. “Do I take Wilshire or Santa Monica? Has the pot I picked up from my neighborhood dispensary kicked in yet? Wait, have I had a human interaction in two days?” Walk down any major street in L.A. and you’re bound to join the mindfucked masses. First of all, walking in L.A. is just a really disorienting activity. Instead of seeing exciting places and people, you’re passing strip malls and maybe an 80-year-old with a walker. Cars are whizzing past you, the heat is beating down on your face and you have a good 45 minutes before you can reach something that’s not a nail salon or a Scientology building. Embrace this surreal life by dressing like an absolute freak, waving at passing cars and throwing your copy of Less Than Zero at a waiter at Spago’s.

4. Have an existential crisis

L.A. can make you go crazy. It’s something in the Pellegrino because people just love to lose their shit in this city. But instead of crying in public, you weep silently in your car or on a hike in the canyons. Here’s how I think of L.A.. It’s a city that comes in a beautiful package. It has a chic bow, and you can tell it’s been impeccably wrapped by someone at a gift counter. You can’t wait to open it! The second you do, however, you notice that the wrapping actually has creases and tears in it. The bow suddenly breaks off and you find yourself holding something beautiful that’s crumbling. It looked so flawless, so strong; you wondered how it could fall apart so quickly. But here it is: A big steaming pile of beautiful shit. Things are just never what they seem here. And being in a city that’s so isolated and strange is bound to make you go a little nuts. So do it! (Just not when people can see you).

5. Make plans to do all of these things and then break them suddenly for no reason

You’re not going to do anything I just told you to do, are you? That’s okay, I don’t blame you! It’s the L.A. way to flake out. Everything is just so far apart and difficult that it’s easy for days to get deleted before you get a chance to do anything you said you were going to do. There was traffic on the way to Coffee Bean, you couldn’t get in touch with a coke dealer, Barnes & Noble didn’t have Less Than Zero. You’re not really sure what you did instead though. Laid on a beach? Drove to Santa Barbara? Who? What? I’m starving. TC mark

image – kla4067

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

    Visiting? Sounds like just living here hahaha. Great read.

  • Rossmsciarrillo

    I’m starting to forget why I ride the articles here anymore. 

    We get it, you saw someone carrying a less than zero book and they must have looked like a tourist or something and you thought, “hey this would be a great article, I just need 4 other things to do in LA” and then you got home and smoked too much weed and pretty much decided to just fill in the other slots with non-sequiteurs about people you may or may not have observed within this last week.

    your shit’s weak, bro.

    • clay

      ride the articles

      • Guesty

        ride the snake

      • Guesty

        ride the snake

    • DARKSTAR

      ride these articles errday like i ride mah pony, bitch.

  • Ashley

    Sure you’re just visiting? Honestly though, this is why I’m content to work in LA and make the god-awful commute every day.

  • xra

    always take santa monica

  • person1

    their was traffic?

    • mmg

      haha that peeved me too :) 

  • native angelina

    never take wilshire

  • http://drydenlane.tumblr.com tamara

    is it weird that this made me want to visit LA?

    • EP

      I just want to visit LA with Ryan O’Conn.

  • Anonymous

    THE WEST COAST EXISTS!

  • Ashley

    5 Things To Do While Visiting Los Angeles

    1. Drink real coffee at Intelligentsia- gawk at the hipsters in Silver Lake
    2. Eat from a food truck
    3. Visit a “dive” that’s more upscale than the majority of actual dives in America
    4. Cry in traffic, since it’s going to take you a minimum of an hour and a half to get anywhere in rush hour
    5. Realize that despite it all, LA is still better than whatever godforsaken place you’re from

    • DARKSTAR

      Intelligentsia not explicitly an LA thing (I think there’s one in Chicago?).  If you’re in Silver Lake, the better landmark is Circus of Books and if you want “real coffee” Cafe de Leche is where it’z @.

      • DARKSTAR

        agree on 2,3,4.  no comment on 5.

      • guest

        Yeah, Intelligentsia started in Chicago

      • Ashley

        I know, but it’s more well-known than any of the other LA coffee places- Espresso Cielo, anyone?

  • Anonymous

    Uh, no celebrity tours? Where are your priorities, man?!

  • http://twitter.com/jackbush jack bush

    * There was traffic

    =]

  • Anonymous

    this is TOO GOOD.. So true!

  • bateman

    Why aren’t comments enabled for the Less Than Zero essay?

  • disgruntled

    Sorry to be harsh, but I have to say that I’m really beginning to hate these holier-than-thou critiques of Los Angeles, complaining about how much it sucks because of the traffic, the stuck-up people, and the blanket assertion that everyone is having an “existential crisis.” These things are happening in every other urban area in America. You think people don’t order half-caf, nonfat soy lattes in New York? Or that the Bay Area is somehow immune to cardiac arrest- inducing traffic? Or that, God forbid, copious illicit cocaine use doesn’t occur in, say, Portland?  Having spent significant time in all of the above places, I can assure you that there is no inherent difference in human nature between people from Los Angeles and people from anywhere else, and that all the things that have somehow come to be categorized as typically L.A. are merely typically hipster/yuppy. When will it become clear that people from Los Angeles are not, in fact, mutants from outer-space?

    • guesst

      but LA is just shittier than those other places

    • guest

      Why can’t you admit different cities have different vibes?

    • guest

      as soon as it becomes clear that people from LA can take a freaking joke. calm down.

  • Anonymous

    TC could alternately stand for Talkin’ Cocaine [Totally Casually], it seems

  • No

    trying too hard.

  • Lauren Ashley

    I suddenly have an intense craving for Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

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  • pigdieselscumfuck

    la is full of americans

  • Hi

    the demonym (i.e. name for inhabitants) is angeleno NOT los angeleno. funny post otherwise.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/529 

  • Sarah

    maybe I’m just naive but I think of New York as a coke city, not L.A., as long as you’re generalizing. Also, I liked the comments on this piece more than the piece itself. Definitely always take Santa Monica–never Wilshire.

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  • breemeup

    This is SO not L.A., this is the cliche of L.A. You need to get yourself downtown and see what it’s really like. Disappointment. ):

  • http://twitter.com/BourneToRun James Bourne

    this

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