Sad but true, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest. She can’t leave her Venice Beach apartment for 35 days so she’s been forced to throw ragers on her roof. I guess if she can’t come to the party, the party must come to her! But seriously, this girl is over, right? She’s been to rehab five times in two years and hasn’t made a relevant film since I was in the closet.
Even though she’s so yesterday, I still can’t help but ponder what Lindsay’s doing today. Like right now while under house arrest. I imagine it to be something like this though:
12:00 p.m.: Lindsay wakes up still drunk from last night, clutching a copy of The Parent Trap. She immediately starts hearing voices in her head so she takes two morphine pills leftover from her “wisdom teeth surgery” to dull the noise.
12:15 p.m.: She furiously texts her friends asking for company. However, the mere thought of spending a whole day with LiLo in her coke beach house sends people running for the hills.
12:30 p.m. She restorts to Twitter to make plans and tweets at Kim Kardashian, “hey gurlie! lunch soon at my house? call me. like…now!” Kim tweets back, “I’m in Africa…”
12:45 p.m.: Annoyed and bored, Lindsay decides to scale the walls of her apartment building to get a closer look into ex-girlfriend/neighbor Samantha Ronson’s place (I am not making this up. Lindsay moved in next door to Samantha.) She’s had the power to scale walls ever since she went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break and took Peyote, and she uses her gift to mostly spy on her exes and sneak back into nightclubs.
1:00 p.m.: Lindsay has to be careful not to set off her house arrest bracelet but she manages to make it on to the outside of Samantha’s living room window. Ronson is on the couch, spinning what appears to be a large Domino’s pizza on a turntable and making record-scratching noises.
1:30 p.m.: In an opiate haze, she has stared longingly at an unsuspecting Samantha for thirty minutes. She then shouts out “PEEK A BOO!” and starts banging on her window. Samantha screams while simultaneously still making record scratching noises. She then tries to shied herself with her iPod.
1:45 p.m.: Oblivious to Sam’s less than stellar reaction, Lindsay wonders why she can’t hear her banging and screaming. Defeated, she slides back down to earth.
2:30 p.m.: She sends mass texts that just say “where r u? where r u? come over. where r u?’ to everyone in her phone.
3:00 p.m. She plays Farmville and gives an interview to a newspaper in Long Island.
4:00 p.m.: She lets her younger sister, Ali, out of her cage in the bathroom. She is allowed to walk around for 45 minutes a day. She feeds her a wheatgrass shot and maybe a bouillon cube for dessert. Ali uses her free time to call her mother Dina to beg her to come pick her up, but Dina always claims she has bad cell reception and will call her back. Ali has been waiting to get picked up from Lindsay’s house for two months.
5:00 p.m.: She watches Just My Luck and I Know Who Killed Me. She does this everyday because it helps her relive the glory days. You know things are bad when your glory days involve a film in which you played an amputee stripper with a split personality.
9:00 p.m.: Lindsay tries to get the pool guy to come hang out. He immediately drowns himself in the pool.
10:00 p.m. ONLINE SHOPPING ONLINE SHOPPING ONLINE SHOPPING
11:00 p.m.: “COME OVER WHERE R U WHERE R U? IM AT THE HOUSE COME OVER!”
12:00 a.m.: Lindsay starts drinking her jungle juice, a cocktail that consists of a handle of vodka, a splash of lychee, and a mountain of regret.
1:00 a.m.: She goes to bed cuddling a life size cutout of Samantha. She wonders if/when the lambs will ever stop screaming. Everything becomes so woozy, her eyelids suddenly feel very heavy. And then everything fades to precious black.