Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Someone’s Facebook

This girl is happy. Oh wow, she just went skiing in Colorado. Who is she making out with on the slopes? Oh, it’s her boyfriend. Wow, it looks serious. I remember lurking her last boyfriend on Facebook. He seemed cute and nice. But he was also clearly “The Boyfriend You Have In College”, you know? When Facebook notified me about their break up, I wasn’t surprised. I bet she’ll get married to this one and then I’ll see their wedding pictures and baby pictures. I haven’t seen this girl since high school but this is the life I always imagined she would have. It makes me sad for some reason and I’m not sure why.

This person is in a dark place. They’re drunk in all of their photos and their friends look super sketch. I actually ran into this guy six months ago at a bar and he was so fucked up. I hadn’t seen him in awhile and his skin looked terrible. He was skinny. Maybe too skinny. I’m not surprised that there’s “I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRUGS AND/OR ALCOHOL” stapled across his Facebook. This makes me sad too. I’m disconnected from this person but here I am getting a glimpse into his problems on his profile. I feel like I don’t have the right to look. I’m going to stop now.

Whoa, this person has changed. They’ve really cleaned themselves up. God, our friendship was so weird. We hung out every day for a few months and then she just went away back to California. She looks more chill now. There are all of these photos of her with her family and dogs. Oh wow, she has a new boyfriend too and he’s hideous! They’re writing on each other’s walls saying things like, “I luv u so much baby!” Sick. Oh well. The last time I saw her, she was drunk and peeing in the kitty litter box at her apartment so I guess this is an upgrade. Good for her.

Ugh, why does my uncle have a Facebook? He posts these annoying status updates that are essentially inspirational quotes. His default picture is of him hiking shirtless. Ew, put that away! You’re, like, 50. I don’t like my uncle. It feels bad saying that because he’s blood but I don’t care. He sucks. Looking at his Facebook just makes me angry so I’m going to defriend him. Yay. Feels good.

Oh look, it’s my ex-boyfriend. Next.

Oh okay, this is my best friend from middle school. It’s weird to see him kissing some girl and being all grown up. because I know him best with dirt on his face and skinned knees. Looking at his Facebook makes me feel old or distant or both.

Ugh, this bitch. How did she end up being so successful?

This person never moved out of my hometown. I want to feel bad for her but she looks happier than most on her Facebook. Maybe she’s the only one who figured it out.

Remember when this person was my best friend and I saw her cry on the street? I fed her sandwiches at my house afterwards and we laid on my bed for what seemed like forever? Facebook won’t let me forget.

These people shouldn’t be in my present. They deserve to be in the past. But in 2011, there is no past. You’re not allowed to grieve anything because nothing actually dies. It just sits there slowly decaying, staring at you with a sinister grin. Sometimes Facebook feels like a museum of my life. I guess I’m just finally getting tired of looking at artifacts. I guess I’m just too sensitive for fucking Facebook. TC mark

image – birgerking

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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    Thank God I don't have one….Yet

  • lauren a

    This is spot on.

  • Kayla

    This was very true, but that last rant was a little depressing… It was pretty right though

  • FollowTheMoney

    Facebook is a scam like your Safeway card is a scam. The SafeWay card gives you “rewards” for the ability to sell your purchasing habits (conveniently tied to your drivers license) to data banks. Facebook on the other hand, provides you with narcissistic ego enhancement while selling all of your browsing habits, likes, favorite movies/books/etc, relationships, location, employment history, where you are, you've been even what you look like. 

    Facebook is a honey pot for stupid people.

    • Perfect Circles

      That's why I always fill fake information for both accounts.

  • Hannah Foster.

    I really liked this. It's definitely relatable and the perfect  mix of funny and touching. Nice one!

  • Asdf

    Clean out your friend's list, then.

  • Guest

    I delete these people from my facebook regularly, you can too.

  • Sam

    Very good.

  • Greg

    (kreayshawn voice)  growing up is strange

  • Xena Warrior Princess

    Why don't you delete your facebook? I deleted mine and I've been happy since. Facebook was, and sounds like it is to you too, depressing.

  • Woah

    pronoun-antecedent disagreement like woah

  • anonymous

    really? nothing else on the ex-boyfriend?  i don't know anyone who would pass up the chance to overanalyze that one….

  • Briana

    tired of reading about facebook.


    “This person never moved out of my hometown. I want to feel bad for her
    but she looks happier than most on her Facebook. Maybe she’s the only
    one who figured it out.”

    i feel like 40% of my FB friends are this person. and it makes me a little sad, and it makes me contemplate life and whether ignorance is bliss, eve biting the apple from the tree of knowledge, etc. whatever.

  • Exhaustedoptimism

    facebook defies the laws of nature, these people are suppose to be in our past and facebook keeps us updated on their meaningless lives for no good reason but to fuck with us and our thoughts about ourselves. i deactivated in '08 and never looked back and it is way liberating! take the plunge ryan and then get a twitter account.

    • anon

      pretty sure dude's got a twitter

  • Katrine

    holy crap this is so accurate. i love you ryan.

  • Erik

    Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Someone's Facebook

    1. People with pictures where they are happy and healthy are happy, healthy  people.
    2. People with pictures where they are sad and screwed up are sad, screwed up people.


    • CRO

      this is the least insightful comment I have ever seen.

      • Erik

        Have you seen this comment? You may find it less insightful than the previous one.

  • eferf53
  • Annette Iris Rivera

    The last paragraph is perfect. Purge your friends list!

  • sloppysoup

    the last paragraph is perfection and so true. we cannot rid ourselves of anything anymore. even the shit that has no value and never did is still just sitting there waiting for us to stumble over it and curse its existence all over again.

  • elyse cantor


  • fridac2

    It's like unnecessarily stimulating nostalgia every time you go on there and see old friends.  Depressing to see how people pass you by.

  • ThankYou

    Just to let you know that this article really moved me in a way I didn't expect. The last paragraph is very haunting. A museum of my life. How true.

  • Keelfam

    I had literally deactivated my account when I came across this. Thank you, I feel the same.

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