The Dos And Don’ts Of Being A Gay Man

Do Have Issues With Your Dad

I don’t know what it is but gay men always have some sort of tension with their fathers. They’re usually super tight with their mom and that’s probably because they spent nine months inside their vagina—something that’s both traumatic and bonding for a gay man. But fathers can get lost in translation. Take the relationship I have with my father. We’re basically best friends. We take vacations together just me and him and he even lets me listen to my weird gay music in the car. I love him so much, but he still squirms when I talk about a boy I’m dating. He doesn’t mean to, he wants to be a part of my gay pride parade but he’s still uncomfortable with it on a certain level. I understand why a father doesn’t want to acknowledge his son getting F’d in the butt but then again, I don’t. OMG, issues.

Do Have Lots Of Gay Friends

Gay men need to have a good group of gay friends. Girls are great, we’re obsessed, but we need nights just with the dudes. I spent the first few years of my gay life without any gay friends and it was a sad terrible thing. Now that I’ve accumulated a good group of gays in New York, I feel like I’ve reached complete social fulfillment. And who knows? If your gay friends are cute, maybe you can make out with them sometimes! (J/K, not J/K, stop, don’t stop!) But on the real, I’ve hooked up with some of my gay friends and I’ve been stunned by how little of a thing it is. I thought that I, Mr. I Majored In Having Lots of Feelings, would freak out but nope! It’s actually super fun. Granted, there are some friends you should NEVER smooch so please kiss with caution.

Do Be Funny

Gay men need to be funny. And no, calling someone’s pashmina scarf ugly is not funny. It’s just bitchy. You see, funny people have usually dealt with some dark stuff in their lives and laughing about it is the only way to ensure that they won’t go insane. Even though I’ve lived a relatively easy life in terms of my homosexuality, it still can get pretty hard. Hence laughter! Plus, gay men love anything campy, which is the best kind of humor in my opinion. Having an appreciation for Best in Show, Popular, and Showgirls indicates that you’re more evolved than the average human. It should also be noted that the gays and the Jews run everything that’s creative.

Do Have Complicated Ideas Of What It Means To Be Gay

Being gay is super confusing. Just go on Craigslist and look at all the M4M ads that ask for a “straight-acting masculine dude.” Um, excuse me? If you want someone who’s straight maybe you should just roofie a frat boy. No one should feel ashamed for being femme and a certain kind of gay should not be favored over another. There are all of these sub-genres of queers like Cubs, Bears, Twinks, Gainers, Art Fags etc. My head starts to spin just thinking about it. So, yeah. It’s complicated. And if you don’t think so, you’re either not paying enough attention and/or you’re really lucky.

Don’t Do Crystal Meth

I once lived in West Hollywood for two bizarre months and let me tell you something: That neighborhood is my anti-drug. Even though I lived in a nice apartment on a tree-lined street, I was greeted by tweakers and hookers every day. It’s no secret that the gays love their drinks and drugs but WeHo attracts the #darkest of the #dark drug users. To deal with the outbreak of meth heads, WeHo decided to plaster a giant billboard of a hot shirtless gay guy that read something like, “You don’t do Crystal. Crystal does you.”

Don’t Have A Gay Therapist

I thought having a gay therapist would be a great idea. He’s gay, I’m gay, he gets it! But it failed miserably when he turned out to be a sexy gym bunny with an MFT degree from Sexy College. I quickly realized that it was hard to be vulnerable with someone you wanted to bone so I left after a few sessions. Every time I would go it would feel like some twisted date. I would make him laugh, he would try to make me cry and then I would run home and masturbate. Here’s a tip: Go to a lesbian therapist. They mean business and you will never want to sleep with them.

Don’t Eat

Just kidding. Please eat. Because I can’t handle hooking up with another boy with a Lara Flynn Boyle body.

Don’t Will & Grace Yourself

Try to avoid a life resembling anything from Will & Grace. A fiery Jewish redhead is not a substitute for a penis. Do have a friend like Karen Walker though—someone who is hilarious, drunk, and has access to pharmaceuticals. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – qthomasbower

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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