The Dos And Don’ts Of Being A Gay Man

Do Have Issues With Your Dad

I don’t know what it is but gay men always have some sort of tension with their fathers. They’re usually super tight with their mom and that’s probably because they spent nine months inside their vagina—something that’s both traumatic and bonding for a gay man. But fathers can get lost in translation. Take the relationship I have with my father. We’re basically best friends. We take vacations together just me and him and he even lets me listen to my weird gay music in the car. I love him so much, but he still squirms when I talk about a boy I’m dating. He doesn’t mean to, he wants to be a part of my gay pride parade but he’s still uncomfortable with it on a certain level. I understand why a father doesn’t want to acknowledge his son getting F’d in the butt but then again, I don’t. OMG, issues.

Do Have Lots Of Gay Friends

Gay men need to have a good group of gay friends. Girls are great, we’re obsessed, but we need nights just with the dudes. I spent the first few years of my gay life without any gay friends and it was a sad terrible thing. Now that I’ve accumulated a good group of gays in New York, I feel like I’ve reached complete social fulfillment. And who knows? If your gay friends are cute, maybe you can make out with them sometimes! (J/K, not J/K, stop, don’t stop!) But on the real, I’ve hooked up with some of my gay friends and I’ve been stunned by how little of a thing it is. I thought that I, Mr. I Majored In Having Lots of Feelings, would freak out but nope! It’s actually super fun. Granted, there are some friends you should NEVER smooch so please kiss with caution.

Do Be Funny

Gay men need to be funny. And no, calling someone’s pashmina scarf ugly is not funny. It’s just bitchy. You see, funny people have usually dealt with some dark stuff in their lives and laughing about it is the only way to ensure that they won’t go insane. Even though I’ve lived a relatively easy life in terms of my homosexuality, it still can get pretty hard. Hence laughter! Plus, gay men love anything campy, which is the best kind of humor in my opinion. Having an appreciation for Best in Show, Popular, and Showgirls indicates that you’re more evolved than the average human. It should also be noted that the gays and the Jews run everything that’s creative.

Do Have Complicated Ideas Of What It Means To Be Gay

Being gay is super confusing. Just go on Craigslist and look at all the M4M ads that ask for a “straight-acting masculine dude.” Um, excuse me? If you want someone who’s straight maybe you should just roofie a frat boy. No one should feel ashamed for being femme and a certain kind of gay should not be favored over another. There are all of these sub-genres of queers like Cubs, Bears, Twinks, Gainers, Art Fags etc. My head starts to spin just thinking about it. So, yeah. It’s complicated. And if you don’t think so, you’re either not paying enough attention and/or you’re really lucky.

Don’t Do Crystal Meth

I once lived in West Hollywood for two bizarre months and let me tell you something: That neighborhood is my anti-drug. Even though I lived in a nice apartment on a tree-lined street, I was greeted by tweakers and hookers every day. It’s no secret that the gays love their drinks and drugs but WeHo attracts the #darkest of the #dark drug users. To deal with the outbreak of meth heads, WeHo decided to plaster a giant billboard of a hot shirtless gay guy that read something like, “You don’t do Crystal. Crystal does you.”

Don’t Have A Gay Therapist

I thought having a gay therapist would be a great idea. He’s gay, I’m gay, he gets it! But it failed miserably when he turned out to be a sexy gym bunny with an MFT degree from Sexy College. I quickly realized that it was hard to be vulnerable with someone you wanted to bone so I left after a few sessions. Every time I would go it would feel like some twisted date. I would make him laugh, he would try to make me cry and then I would run home and masturbate. Here’s a tip: Go to a lesbian therapist. They mean business and you will never want to sleep with them.

Don’t Eat

Just kidding. Please eat. Because I can’t handle hooking up with another boy with a Lara Flynn Boyle body.

Don’t Will & Grace Yourself

Try to avoid a life resembling anything from Will & Grace. A fiery Jewish redhead is not a substitute for a penis. Do have a friend like Karen Walker though—someone who is hilarious, drunk, and has access to pharmaceuticals. TC mark

image – qthomasbower

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  • Cellomusette

    Thanks Ryan! Hilarious and accurate as always. :-D

  • http://twitter.com/Chrys0poeia Nick Beith

    Really enjoyed.

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    I need more gay friends. I live in a baby college town and my gay social circle includes the guy I was boning and am not any more.

    I miss you New York.

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      PS- Loved this, also have tension with my papa.

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    double comment ack

  • http://twitter.com/Unillustrated ✔ Official!!

    Sigh..articles like this try to be positive and fail miserably.

  • BLOG

    ryan for the love of christ find some other topics to blog about than 'gay'

    • Elle

      I concur.

    • ScottW

      No. It's actually really fun reading about gay things when you can't really read about them anywhere else.

  • Jonny

    if i wrote a blog on 'how to be a woman' it would be considered sexist to make such generalisations about all women and the things i told them they should be. in the same way, this assumes gay people are all the same, i know they're just guidelines or w/e (and for me they're accurate too) but it's not doing anything to help equality, because not all gay men are the same. it'd be nice to combat the single one-fits-all camp stereotype

    • CA

      You do realize this blog post was generally satirical, right?  The author even said that one should have a complicated notion of what it meant to be gay.  He's simply poking fun at stereotypes and generalizations and making observations–he certainly isn't telling anyone how they should live their life or express their identities.

  • Yo Dawg

    “No one should feel ashamed for being femme and a certain kind of gay should not be favored over another.  “
    This doesn't make any sense. People have preferences. That's why dating websites allow you to fill in preferred age ranges, height ranges, etc.  Just because this offends your sensibilities doesn't mean that it's wrong.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      I meant favored by our society. Being a masculine gay is viewed as “better” than being a femme gay.

      • freddipass

        In response to Yo Dawg, that was my first thought. Everybody has preferences. Ryan, I did not know that being a “masculine” gay was considered better than being a “feminine” gay.  I've never experienced such a thing in all my years in the community.  Maybe a NYC thing? Don't know.

      • Ashley McKenzie

        i vehemently agree with Ryan – there is a hierarchy that exists and those who are seen to be more 'masculine' are placed at the top. and this makes perfect sense within a broader context of gender norms, of how men and women are 'meant to act'.

        the term 'straight acting' is so damaging and so problematic to the gay community and no one seems to be writing more about it – its really worrying.

      • Sammy G

        I'm think it's more of a broader society thing than a community thing.

      • freddipass

        Oh, and as a therapist, once I had a crush on this hot, young butch who was seeing me. So, if you think it's awkward to be the client…!

  • deb

    I don't think gays have the market cornered on being complicated or confusing as far as the “types of gay” go.  Sexuality in and of itself is a mass of confusing/complicated/wonderful/experimental feelings and adventures into yourself and others…that's what makes it so fucking amazing.

  • JD

    So basically “Fit in to most gay stereotypes, and you'll be fine!” Sorry, just doesn't cut it for me. 

  • Bobby

    You usually handle blog posts like this with more care. Instead of using the “Do and Don't” list as a vehicle to share how you live your life it sounds like you are actively telling the reader what being gay means. It doesn't sit well with me. And it doesn't feel satirical (in response to someone else) so if you were going for that I feel like you missed the mark :/

  • Bobby

    You usually handle blog posts like this with more care. Instead of using the “Do and Don't” list as a vehicle to share how you live your life it sounds like you are actively telling the reader what being gay means. It doesn't sit well with me. And it doesn't feel satirical (in response to someone else) so if you were going for that I feel like you missed the mark :/

  • http://twitter.com/suntwee MarieSa

    Oh shit, there's a typo in the Do Be Funny paragraph!

    “You see, funny people have usually dealt with some ****#DARK stuff in their lives…”

  • eferf88
  • gaypornfanatic

    I'm so sick and tired of gays getting all uptight and fussy every time someone tries to write an article that deals with ANYTHING homosexual-related. This article is SATIRICAL and meant to be in good fun. If you're upset, move on. And maybe you should realize that maybe he wasn't trying to appeal to you. Many of us may not fit some or all of the stereotypes, but many of us DO fit at least some of these stereotypes. We're not all lumberjacks.

    It's a sad day when people lose their sense of humor and the ability to laugh at themselves.

    • Anonymous

      Very good post!!!!

  • Joe

    Im a naturally skinny (I mean 135 lbs at 5'11''), twenty-year old gay man, and what's interesting is that although I find skinny people unattractive and don't see how anyone could actually like my body (except for me! yay!), were it not for a surprising number of people who do like insanely skinny guys, I wouldn't get laid. Which allows me to be lazy and not have to try to gain any muscle to feel like i look better. Wheee.

    I wish I could balloon up to “average” size. I know people always scoff and scowl when I tell them I wish i weighed more, but think about how stupid and bony I look naked! Why would anyone really want this?? More importantly, why do we always want what we don't already have???

  • TiredOfShittyFags

    Honestly People really need to read more into what is written than just the words that they see. It is pitiful that anyone could find this offensive. It offends me that people lack a sense of humor. I found this post witty flirtatious and fun. I will continue to read works from Ryan because unlike so many I  can laugh at things that may appear  “Wrong” because I see the Satire beyond the actual words. Great post it made my day. 

    • TiredOfShittyFags

      Also since my name will surely be considered offensive, yes I am a gay male, and yes many of you are shitty fags. Learn to laugh lighten up and enjoy life it is way to short to be as bitter as you come across.

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