1. “I shouldn’t be here.”
If you find yourself inside a generic hipster clothing store, chances are you aren’t happy about it. The last time you were there, you blacked out and spent $400 on a pair of fringe boots. When you came to, you saw the evidence hidden in your closet and screamed bloody murder. So why are you here again? Oh yeah, you’re bored and need to kill some time. Uh-oh. Famous last words.
2. “Were the clothes always this expensive?”
Yes. They were. People seem to always suffer from retail amnesia when they walk into hipster clothing stores. They think they’re stepping into a Forever 21—a store that’s great for picking up an OTF party dress—but they’re actually stepping into the price equivalent of a clothing store like Zara. It’s essentially Forever 21 vibes with Zara prices. My friends always hold up a dress and act shocked when they discover that it costs $200 bucks. Duh, these stores have always been outrageously overpriced. This ain’t no thrift store, no matter how hard the stores try to convince you otherwise.
3. “I can’t tell if this guy works here or is just a customer.”
Hipster clothing stores are so good at creating a uniform that it’s impossible to distinguish the actual workers from the customers. I have been mistaken for an employee three times while shopping at such stores, which is so #dark I can’t even begin to delve into it. If people think you work there when you’re just spying a pair of skinny jeans, it’s time for you to evaluate your life. I know I did. That’s what led me to Scientology and shopping at Kohl’s. J/K!
4. “OMG, What’s this song? I love this song!”
The highlight of shopping at a hipster clothing store is listening to good music…most of the time. I’ve had no shame in my music game and have asked employees who did the song that’s playing right now. They usually get really excited because it’s like their band or some obscure one from the ’70s. Other times though they’re too stoned to know and/or answer. By the way, I’m convinced that all of the people who work at generic hipster clothing stores are on drugs. It must be in their contract or something. “Must come to work acting either too enthusiastic or completely over it.”
5. “What did I just do?”
The self-loathing and disbelief sets in almost immediately after you grab your shopping bags and make for the exit. You can’t believe you just spent $400 on a t-shirt that says “Bitches and Hoez”, a Holga camera, a party dress, a pair of jeans you can’t fit into, and a copy of Chelsea Handler’s book for $20. Dear God, why? You were just coming in here to kill time and now you’ve killed your bank account. And to add insult to injury, there will be five girls at the party tonight wearing the same exact dress as you. Not chic.