Let’s Talk About Our Poop

Pooping: Everyone does it but no really talks about it. Right now, Tom Cruise may be pooping. Gwyneth Paltrow might be going number two as well (just kidding, Gwyneth would never poop.) and here we are not acknowledging it. I, for one, don’t trust a person who can’t talk about their bowels. Anyone who goes “ewwww!” when you say something like “I need to poop!” clearly doesn’t love themselves. Shit is awesome because it’s the great equalizer. You think you’re so cool? Well, right now I’m visualizing you pooping and it’s hilarious. Just try to be holier-than-thou when you’re pooping. It’s impossible! Whatever created us was clearly like, “Okay, now in order for these people to stay humble, I’m going to make them all have weird brown things come out of their butt about once a day. Yay!”

So now that we’ve started this conversation about our poop, let’s just dive in. There are a lot of things we have spent years avoiding and it’s time we stop living in denial about the gross things our bodies do.


Just today I was writing in a cafe when I realized I had to go poop. However, when I surveyed the bathroom sitch, I knew it was going to be mission impossible. A teeny tiny room next to a table full of people? No thanks. Someone is bound to knock and give me anxiety. So I did what I had to do and walked home so I could poop in the comforts of my own home. Look, nothing beats a good poop in your very own bathroom. It can be better than sex. What’s the most insane part is that your body recognizes that it’s a safe space to go poop in. When you get closer to your apartment, your body sends a signal to your butt that’s like “Okay, it’s go time!” and you go from not having to poop at all to having to poop that instant. This one time, I was at a friend’s house and realized that I needed to go poop. I got very emotional and told my friend, “Our love is for real. My body is comfortable enough to poop here!” In my opinion, a relationship has not reached its fullest potential until your body feels good enough to poop near them.


There are two public spaces I can poop in without reservation: Bookstores and movie theaters. I’m not talking about indie bookstores because they usually don’t have public restrooms. Barnes & Noble, however, has amazing facilities. They’re huge with tons of stalls so you don’t feel rushed. Take your time while listening to some Muzak and reading a paperback you took with you illegally from the shelves. Movie theaters are chill too mostly because they’re air-conditioned. Just make sure to go when no movies are ending. You will be bombarded with a bunch of people peeing and talking about whatever movie they just saw, and that is not an ideal pooping situation.


People go on vacations to get away from work and the daily grind. What they don’t know is that they’re also running away from a regular pooping schedule. Yes, going to a location that your asshole is not familiar with makes it very angry. It enters your hotel room and cowers in fear screaming, “TAKE ME BACK TO MY HAPPY PLACE. I WANT YOUR BATHROOM!” Whenever I go on vacation, I’m lucky if I get a poop on the third day. What’s worse is that you’re just eating so much on vacation that you end up being a bloated beach ball your whole trip.


Um, how come no one talks about the massive case of the runs one gets during a terrible hangover? “I can barely move” should continue with “except to the bathroom where I will spend most of my day.” Not only do hangovers screw with head and tummy, they also invade your pooping schedule with a fervor that had once only been reserved for the flu. RUDE. I can’t tell you how many hangover brunches I’ve attended in absolute fear. I take one bite of my egg’s benedict and wait to see if my stomach tells me to go fuck myself or not. If it does, I silently freak out and develop an exit strategy. If I’ve gone to the bathroom for long, I just tell everyone that I vomited. As a result of this lie, my friends think I vomit quite a bit. TC mark

image – wordridden

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Katgeorge

    Will you marry me?

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    I wish we all just went in a sandbox like cats and the government appointed some city workers to remove our waste.

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    Oh, and you forgot to talk about “First Time At Your New Boyfriend's House”.

    • Anna

      That's a whole 'nother post.

  • FC

    Haha, yes, the Hangover Poop! Actually this whole “thought” is johnny on the spot.

  • immin

    I read this while pooping.

  • Sara David


    thank god, i felt like i was taking crazy pills.

  • http://profiles.google.com/katherinehatcher Katherine Hatcher

    I like to call it “Booze poos” :D

    • Sandra

      grog bog


    i poop like 3 times a day :$

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    I really enjoyed this read which is saying much because from the second category onwards my brain started simulating the accompanying odours.

  • http://twitter.com/andshewasnt genna mae

    Ryan, we really ought to be best friends. I don't care that you don't know anything about me; we can fix that pretty quickly. Like, right now.
    I like hats, bikes, oreo truffles, Wilco and speaking German. If you can deal with that, we're golden.
    How can we get into each other's lives?

    edit: Also, beer shits are the worst.

  • Mr. White

    Listen to this while you're pooping: 

    It's like your taking a shit that will decide the fate of mankind!

  • Em

    Hangover poops, also known as DADS (day after drinking shits).
    Or, after a really really REALLY bad hangover, leading to really really REALLY bad poops, you get AIDS (after-intense drinking shits).

  • http://profiles.google.com/tturadr Alex Hamilton

    liquor shits are so real

  • Cowabunga!

    Oddly enough this makes me want to contact you (Ryan O' Connell) on okcupid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1198922828 Marianna Elvira

    I have to poop.

  • NowBackToTheGoodPart

    Oh my god, I love you so much Ryan.

  • Sam

    HAHAHA, poop is so fun to talk about. Always.

  • Jenna Maroney

    Love is hiding who you are at all times. It's wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop.

  • poopy doopy

    i read most thought catalog articles on my phone while shitting at work. i read this one at a regular computer though.

  • Csorice

    Read “The Big Necessity” by Rose George.

  • Kathryn Stahl

    Hangover pooping is bad, but not being able to go on vacation is my nightmare. Every damn time I go anywhere, even to sleep at a friend's house, I JUST CAN'T POOP. Ughhhh.

  • ThatGuy

    “In my opinion, a relationship has not reached its fullest potential until your body feels good enough to poop near them.”

  • Ajdimario

    I read this while pooping.

  • Wxxjxxn

    i once ate pink dragonfruit for a few days in a row and my poop was hot pink

  • AJ

    I read this while taking a shit.

    I hate shitting at the office the most. There's too much traffic and my bowels don't usually cooperate unless the bathroom is empty.

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