1. EXPLORE YOUR COMPUTER
Listen, you did not drop over a grand on your MacBook Pro just so you could go on the Internet. I mean, there are so many other things to do on your computer besides go on Facebook and Twitter. So what are they? I don’t fucking know. Jesus. You think I spend all of my time in Microsoft Word or Photoshop? I guess you could go on Photobooth and take 242 pictures of yourself looking deformed and/or fat. That’s always fun. (BTW, fun in this instance actually means really boring and you better be super high.)
2. TALK ABOUT THE INTERNET
You know what’s actually a lot of fun? Talking about the Internet IRL. Seriously. It’s more fun than walking on broken glass or watching King Of Queens with your mom. Just have your friends over one day to have a conversation about the Internet. Sit in a circle in your living room and say things like, “OMG. I’m so going to tweet that.” or “Facebook pics or it didn’t happen.” This kind of dialogue can go on for a long time. Soon the walls will start to close in on you and you’ll find yourself rolling around on the ground while softly chanting, “OMG. LOL. BRB. TTYL. Tweet it. GTFO. THIS. DM DM DM DM JK.” Don’t be alarmed when this starts to happen. It’s a common side effect of having pointless and tedious conversations about the Internet. To bring your friends back to life, just place a home phone or a black & white television in front of them. Any relic from the pre-Internet age will snap them out of this Pomo psychosis. I have to warn you though. Past studies have indicated that some people never come back normal after enduring an entire conversation about the Internet. Their communication skills are forever impaired and they’re only able to speak in 140 characters or less. They will also have a permanent look of Computer Dead Eyes and no one will want to be their friend. Ever.
3. GET A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND
So I know the Internet is supposedly instrumental in bringing people together. Websites like Match.com, OKCupid, and Grindr are designed to create relationships with the dazed and confused. But you know what? You could probably get into a relationship faster if you spent more time having real life interactions instead of clicking Refresh on your Gmail. Just go to the grocery store and accidentally/on purpose ram your cart into someone hot. Isn’t that how people met each other in 1992? Single people would just go to Vons and wander the aisles aimlessly until they saw someone they found attractive. They then would start running wildly with their cart screaming, “Oh my god! I think it’s defective. Help!”, and then smash, crash, bang, boom. You would lock eyes with the person and be like, “Oops. Are you okay?” You then would study the contents of their cart to see if they were single. If they were buying a lot of stuff in bulk, they were obviously in a relationship. But if they had one lamb chop, over the counter sleeping pills and a bottle of wine, it meant they were unattached and therefore fair game. In some instances, there might be competition. Another person might come running towards the hot person with their “defective” cart and you would have to shoot them the death stare to let them know that this cart has been claimed. So there you were: Together in a grocery store laughing about produce or something. In a matter of weeks, you would be engaged and picking out wedding cakes. When people asked how the two of you met, you would both give each other meaningful stares and respond in unison “It all started with a grocery cart.” People then would immediately understand the narrative. You needn’t say anything more.
4. GET A DOG
Dogs don’t know the Internet exists, which means they are extremely trustworthy and not insane. In the absence of a Wifi connection, dedicate your time to one of the purest life forms there is. Your dog doesn’t give a shit about how many Twitter followers you have. It just wants to pee on you, lick its own asshole, and make out with you afterwards. In this day and age, that kind of behavior is actually really respectable.
5. GO TO REHAB
With all of the extra free time on your hands, you can totally develop a serious drug problem and be sent to Broken Promises rehab. Seriously, if you can’t go online, what else are you going to do? Volunteer? #dark. So yeah, get stoned a lot in your bedroom alone. Listen to the same song over and over, alienate your friends and family, and then get handsomely rewarded for your churlish behavior by getting sent to a $50,000 month rehab facility that has ocean views and a chef. The motto at Broken Promises is “You’ve been very bad. Have a massage!” You’d think that rewarding drug addiction with a spa-like experience could mean a definite relapse. You’d guess right! But without Internet, you’ve got nothing but time/brain cells to burn.