1. “It’s too hot.”
People love to talk about the temperature (myself included.) It’s like a nervous tic. MUST COMMENT ON THE WEATHER. MUST DISCUSS THE BREEZE, THE HUMIDITY OR THE FACT THAT IT’S FREEZING. I DON’T KNOW IF PEOPLE ARE AWARE OF IT. If we’re having a five minute conversation about the weather, you can usually assume that it’s because I have nothing else to say to you.
Honorable mentions: “It’s too cold.” “The weather is so beautiful.”
2. “I hate men.”
No, you don’t. You love men because they are beautiful and charming and oh wow, life would really suck without them. Saying “I hate men” just sounds like some bad recycled dialogue from Will & Grace or something. Don’t go that dark sitcom place.
Honorable mentions: “Why isn’t he texting me back?” “I’m a really independent person.”
3. “I work in…”
Talking about your job is boring, which is kind of sad because it’s usually where you spend 80% of your waking hours. People are just so judge-y about occupations. Telling someone you work in retail is met with a sympathetic look and a bullshit statement like “Well, that sounds cool! Like that could be fun!” It’s not fun. It’s horrible. You know it, I know it, and here we are both pretending to not know it. Get off me.
Honorable mentions: “Do you have a 401k?” “It’s not really what I want to be doing but for right now, it’s fine.”
4. “I really feel a lot better since we last talked. I think I’m finally over my ex.”
Consoling a friend post-break up can often feel like you’re following a script. “It’ll get better. You’re so strong. They were an asshole. This needed to happen!” There’s no room for improvisation. Even though the whole thing can get tedious, the feeling of heartbreak is so universal that it makes sense to recycle affirmations. The frustrating part is knowing that nothing you say will actually make your friend feel better. So you just go through the motions. Hug, agree with everything they say, and make a few jokes to break the tension.
Honorable mentions: “I’m so over it for real this time.” “J/K, I’m not over it.”
5. “I can’t eat that because I’m a vegan.”
Oh, really? Bye.
Honorable mentions: “I eat meat.” “Do you want to see a picture of the cake I just baked?”
6. “Oh, do you know so-and so?”
When you first meet someone, you must find out if you have mutual friends. Because if you do, this person immediately becomes validated in your eyes. They’re not a random, they make sense for your social group, and you can potentially proceed with a friendship. But getting through that conversation of “Where’d you go to school? Oh, did you know Jennifer Lalalalala? Oh my god, really? She’s like my really good friend! Crazy.” can be super boring. And you know how every single one of these conversations end? “IT’S SUCH A SMALL WORLD.” Yes, people who have similar interests as you hang out in overlapping social circles. In other groundbreaking news, the earth may not be flat.
The conversations I’ve listed above are necessary social evils. People are always going to be meeting each other, breaking up, talking about food, their jobs and the weather. That’s never going to change and it’s okay. I just wish I had a stand-in for when these interactions take place because they’re just so…boring.