In case you didn’t already know, Paris Hilton has done this really rude thing by starring in a new reality show called, The World According to Paris, on Oxygen. The show claims to give us insight in to who Paris really is, but it’s just more of the same shit we saw in The Simple Life (except actually way less tolerable because we don’t have Nicole Richie’s quips to fall back on). So far, the episodes have involved Paris’ dramatic relationship with her presumably 40-year-old boyfriend Cy, and her made-for-TV BFF, Brooke Mueller’s struggle with sobriety. Brooke makes the show sort of interesting by being a hot mess with two kids and a lesbian assistant with whom she used to sleep with. In last week’s episode, Brooke was getting cravings to use again so she just decided to check back in to rehab. Um hello, it’s called an AA meeting? This must be something that only rich people do—worry that they’re going to fall off the wagon so they just run screaming back to a glorified holistic spa for $50,000 a month.

Paris usually bores us but we thought interviewing her would be kind of fun. Of course, all interview requests were ignored so we just decided to use her tweets as a substitution for actual conversation. So meta!

Thought Catalog: What time is it, Paris?

TC:What did you do today?

TC: Please use the word “summit” in a sentence.

TC: OMG, did you hear about the drama (so much drama) with Hugh Hefner and his runaway bride? I know you guys are close/you occasionally let him touch you so what did you say to him?

TC: Say something interesting. I dare you.

TC: Um, okay. What are the two things you can’t sleep without? I’m guessing Ambien and a hard cock resting between your legs.

TC: Boring. Why don’t you just tell me a lie?

TC: Hehe, that is a good one. The only way I’d believe that one is if it was court ordered. So what do you think about all those rumors going around about you being a crazy cokehead freak?

TC: One last question. If you could fuck frozen yogurt, would you? It’s so good!