5 Things You Could’ve Done Today If You Weren’t So Hungover
By Thoughtis
1. Woke up actually feeling rested
Drunk sleep is the worst sleep. It feels like you’ve been clubbed, only to wake up four hours later needing to immediately poop and/or vomit. Even though you technically sleep like the dead when you’re drunk (you won’t wake up for anything except for maybe Mexican food or coke), you’re not actually getting good rest. As a result, you spend the whole next day in a state that can only be described as “barely conscious unless there’s something good on TV”.
2. Eaten like a normal person
Here’s what you ate last Sunday when you were sober: granola and yogurt, a turkey sandwich and a salad for dinner. Here’s what you ate when you were hungover: 1-800 Get Me Chipotle, nachos, a hamburger, pad thai and bread pudding. You could’ve been good and eaten the right things. You could have lost that lingering extra pound and fit into your Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants jeans again (your friends told you that they fit everybody but they don’t fit you, okay?). Alas, you were hungover and had no self control. Oh my god wait, I totally just thought of the perfect title for your memoir: But I Was Hungover And Had No Self Control: Coming to an Urban Outfitters near you!
3. Met the love of your life
You know where you can meet the love of your life? At a party, a bar, a restaurant, a park, etc. You can meet them practically anywhere. Every day is a golden opportunity! You know where you absolutely can’t meet them though? In your bed hungover with the curtains drawn. If you hadn’t drank alcohol the night before, you could’ve gone to that street fair like you were planning to. And there the love of your life would be, eating a falafel and being all love of your life-y. The first thing they would’ve said to you would’ve been, “Thank god you’re here and not at home hungover watching Saved By The Bell. Thank god you decided to go outside today!” Okay, so maybe I made all of this up but whatever. Your hungover ass will never know for sure because you aren’t going outside today!
4. Ran errands
Sundays can either be the most productive day of your week or get completely deleted by your hangover (That’s right, hangovers actually have a delete button and they press it often when Sunday rolls around.). If you didn’t get so cray cray last night, you could’ve spent your day doing very important things like faxing, grocery shopping, laundry, scanning, buying pencils for some vague grown up reason, cleaning your room (dammit!) and picking up a gift for your grandma who is deathly ill and needs some cheering up. But no, there was no faxing and scanning of grown up papers, no lovely gift to cheer up the grandma, no number two pencil. It was just you and your computer watching the day go by from your window.
5. Been happy
I get sort of depressed when I’m hungover. It’s usually a combination of being ashamed of what I did the night before, feeling closed off in my apartment, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and just wanting my mommy. Is that normal? I mean, I don’t know anyone who’s particularly happy when they’re hungover. There’s no wide smiles, huge LOL’s, or repeating of the mantra “IT’S GONNA BE A GOOD SUNSHINE-Y DAY!” I think everyone suffers from low-grade bummer feelings. If you didn’t get wasted the night before, you could’ve been like really happy. Happy in a way that you didn’t even know still existed, you know? You might’ve wanted to run down the street screaming “I LOVE LIFE OMG I’M SO HAPPY. I WOULD’VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY IF I WAS HUNGOVER. I WANT TO KISS THE GROUND EWWWWW!” I can’t promise you for sure that would’ve happened but I can say with certainty that you would’ve at least been in better spirits. Being hungover means wanting to cry at commercials for deodorant and asking for your friend to please pass the Wheat Thins.