5 Things You Could’ve Done Today If You Weren’t So Hungover

1. Woke up actually feeling rested

Drunk sleep is the worst sleep. It feels like you’ve been clubbed, only to wake up four hours later needing to immediately poop and/or vomit. Even though you technically sleep like the dead when you’re drunk (you won’t wake up for anything except for maybe Mexican food or coke), you’re not actually getting good rest. As a result, you spend the whole next day in a state that can only be described as “barely conscious unless there’s something good on TV”.

2. Eaten like a normal person

Here’s what you ate last Sunday when you were sober: granola and yogurt, a turkey sandwich and a salad for dinner. Here’s what you ate when you were hungover: 1-800 Get Me Chipotle, nachos, a hamburger, pad thai and bread pudding. You could’ve been good and eaten the right things. You could have lost that lingering extra pound and fit into your Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants jeans again (your friends told you that they fit everybody but they don’t fit you, okay?). Alas, you were hungover and had no self control. Oh my god wait, I totally just thought of the perfect title for your memoir: But I Was Hungover And Had No Self Control: Coming to an Urban Outfitters near you!

3. Met the love of your life

You know where you can meet the love of your life? At a party, a bar, a restaurant, a park, etc. You can meet them practically anywhere. Every day is a golden opportunity! You know where you absolutely can’t meet them though? In your bed hungover with the curtains drawn. If you hadn’t drank alcohol the night before, you could’ve gone to that street fair like you were planning to. And there the love of your life would be, eating a falafel and being all love of your life-y. The first thing they would’ve said to you would’ve been, “Thank god you’re here and not at home hungover watching Saved By The Bell. Thank god you decided to go outside today!” Okay, so maybe I made all of this up but whatever. Your hungover ass will never know for sure because you aren’t going outside today!

4. Ran errands

Sundays can either be the most productive day of your week or get completely deleted by your hangover (That’s right, hangovers actually have a delete button and they press it often when Sunday rolls around.). If you didn’t get so cray cray last night, you could’ve spent your day doing very important things like faxing, grocery shopping, laundry, scanning, buying pencils for some vague grown up reason, cleaning your room (dammit!) and picking up a gift for your grandma who is deathly ill and needs some cheering up. But no, there was no faxing and scanning of grown up papers, no lovely gift to cheer up the grandma, no number two pencil. It was just you and your computer watching the day go by from your window.

5. Been happy

I get sort of depressed when I’m hungover. It’s usually a combination of being ashamed of what I did the night before, feeling closed off in my apartment, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and just wanting my mommy. Is that normal? I mean, I don’t know anyone who’s particularly happy when they’re hungover. There’s no wide smiles, huge LOL’s, or repeating of the mantra “IT’S GONNA BE A GOOD SUNSHINE-Y DAY!” I think everyone suffers from low-grade bummer feelings. If you didn’t get wasted the night before, you could’ve been like really happy. Happy in a way that you didn’t even know still existed, you know? You might’ve wanted to run down the street screaming “I LOVE LIFE OMG I’M SO HAPPY. I WOULD’VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY IF I WAS HUNGOVER. I WANT TO KISS THE GROUND EWWWWW!” I can’t promise you for sure that would’ve happened but I can say with certainty that you would’ve at least been in better spirits. Being hungover means wanting to cry at commercials for deodorant and asking for your friend to please pass the Wheat Thins.TC mark

image – istock

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • FC

    You are telepathic!

  • http://thebottomlessmimosa.com Sydney

    i agree, except if i got laid during my night of drunkenness then i am more than willing to own the above consequences the next day.

  • guest

    your articles are becoming stupid. write something cool soon buddy.

    • Sad

      It’s too bad… Some of the early “how to” articles are awesome. “How to be in your 20’s” in particular. They’ve gotten lazy since then.

      • Sandra

        its cuz he’s hungover

  • http://www.facebook.com/seikel Steve Seikel

    I think I’ll just skip a day.

  • Anonymous

    At the same time, this entire can of Pringles isn’t going to eat itself.

  • Mr Shankly

    The only thing worse than drunk people talking about how drunk they are is hungover people talking about how hungover they are. Less of this please.

    • Jennifer

      The only thing worse than Mr Shankly himself is getting fucked by Mr Shankly

  • Anonymous

    this is one of my fave articles of yours :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2907048 Evan Cudworth

    i want to marry you ryan

    • Guest

      Now you can!!

  • Fryfold

    I actually tend to eat like half a meal the day after I drink.

    • Noah

      Maybe you are anorexic. Get help.

      • Sandy

        too sick too eat

      • Fryfold

        Exactly. On normal days I eat like Ryan explained on his hungover days. When hungover I just can’t stomach a lot of food.

  • Jennifer

    I never do these things even when I’m not hungover..

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • Jack

    Who the hell faxes anyone anymore? Technologically inadequate businesses and people with hangovers, that’s who.

  • Leighannaworkman

    Why do 99% of the posts on TC mention falafel?

    • Joe

      because Falafel is amazing and its on practically every street corner in NYC.

  • Anonymous

    dhh 

  • Anon.

    Totally get depressed whenever I am hungover….glad to hear I am not super strange ( :

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    dafuq! hangovers are sweet grow a pair, have a Corona and spicy food.
    if you r not hungover means your night sucked.

  • damo

    i read this realising full well that tomorrow will be just like this, and yet i also know i’m going to get absolutely hammered tonight. ah, you drunken vicious cycle, you.

  • Polarstern

    Haha this is awesome. Totally agreed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    #3 is improbable 

  • Anonymous

    Responsible drunk considering “Go to work” was not included.

  • T.

    I live for your articles!

  • Lincoln Johnson

    My roommate is always excessively chipper and bouncy the next morning after drinking. We hate her a little bit for that.

  • yep

    hahaahahahahhahaha
    cray cray
    hahaahahahahahah!

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