1. Wheat Thins
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Wheat Thins! Do you remember me? You sent me to this Earth to cause both joy and utter pain to snackers? Well, people are starting to get really upset because they’re eating entire boxes of me and experiencing rapid weight gain. This isn’t my fault, God! You are my creator, the one who made me criminally delicious so I’m blaming it all on you. I used to bring so much happiness to people. Whenever I would smell the familiar scent of weed wafting through the cupboards, I knew that my owner was going to eat me that night and perhaps even cradle my box in bed. Those were the good days. Today, people have turned on me. They see me in the grocery store and run screaming. I overhear all this talk of gluten too. Do I have that? People say it’s the devil and if I have it, then I must be evil. Please help me! I’m a delicious thin cracker that’s possibly made of gluten and making everyone fat! At least I’ll always have hummus.”
Ugh, Nutella. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Last year, when I was staying in Barcelona for two weeks, I was pleased to discover that every store carried Nutella. Even though I hadn’t had it in over a year, I wanted to taste something familiar so I decided to buy it. At first, I was a good girl and only ate Nutella in the context of a sandwich. Put a dollop here, a dollop there between two slices of bread, add a banana, and voilà, we have a sensible and delicious snack. After a few days, however, I was out of bread but still had some Nutella left. I knew that eating it out of the jar could possibly take me down a very dark path—one that I might’ve not been ready for spiritually, emotionally, and sexually—but I was desperate for the wondrous hazelnut spread. I needed its destination to be my gullet and was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. So I ate it out of the jar. I put spoonful after spoonful in my mouth and loved every sinful moment of it. I realized that those sandwiches were all just for show, to convince people that I was normal and eating Nutella in a socially acceptable way. Well, no more hiding! I was going to eat Nutella out of the jar in front of people with only 49% shame. If someone asked me for a Nutella sandwich, I would give them a knowing nod and slip them the jar. I spoke their language and could read between the lines. Edit: After eating Nutella straight out of the jar for two whole weeks, I started to experience stomach pains and feelings of fatassness. I have since quit cold turkey and have not looked back.
3. Girl Scout Cookies
God bless those Girl Scouts! When March rolls around each year, those girls essentially become my drug dealer. I meet them in parking lots driving a soccer mom SUV with tinted windows and ask for 25 boxes of Samoas and10 boxes of Thin Mints. My apartment quickly becomes a crack den with numerous boxes strewn across my floor. Sometimes I’ll even kidnap a girl scout who has a never ending supply so she can feed me when I start to experience withdrawals. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if girl scout cookies were laced with something. How else do you explain people’s extreme willingness to consume 10,000 calories in one sitting? That shit ain’t no joke. Despite what the boxes want you to believe, the cookies are not made with teamwork, leadership and love. They’re made with lard and a hint of black tar heroin (OMG, SECRET INGREDIENT!).
Chipotle is not for sissies. Those burritos do not fuck around. First of all, they weigh as much as Ally McBeal. Secondly, they’re 1200 calories, if not more. But you know what? They’re worth it. They’re the best fake Mexican food I’ve ever had. Like Girl Scout cookies, I’m convinced they’re also laced with something. Who knows what they’re putting in the sour cream? Probably vanilla ice cream with whipped cream.
I can’t/won’t go down the Pringles road ever again. Their slogan is “Once you pop, you can’t stop”, which is true but I managed to break away from its suffocating grip. I just couldn’t live with myself if Pringles was the reason I got fat. I can deal with getting fat from bread pudding, flourless chocolate cake and organic ice cream, but not Pringles. Just no.