5 Foods That Are More Addictive Than Crack

Warning: Consuming the five following foods will result in weight gain, disbelief (“I ate all of that? That can’t be possible! There’s no way. Wait, there’s video of me eating it? And a photo album on Facebook that’s titled, “Here are pictures of me eating this inordinate amount of food”? Curses!) and an overall sense of disgust with oneself. Avoid these foods at all costs and stick to eating a Clif bar instead. J/K, those are sick.

1. Wheat Thins

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Wheat Thins! Do you remember me? You sent me to this Earth to cause both joy and utter pain to snackers? Well, people are starting to get really upset because they’re eating entire boxes of me and experiencing rapid weight gain. This isn’t my fault, God! You are my creator, the one who made me criminally delicious so I’m blaming it all on you. I used to bring so much happiness to people. Whenever I would smell the familiar scent of weed wafting through the cupboards, I knew that my owner was going to eat me that night and perhaps even cradle my box in bed. Those were the good days. Today, people have turned on me. They see me in the grocery store and run screaming. I overhear all this talk of gluten too. Do I have that? People say it’s the devil and if I have it, then I must be evil. Please help me! I’m a delicious thin cracker that’s possibly made of gluten and making everyone fat! At least I’ll always have hummus.”

2. Nutella

Ugh, Nutella. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Last year, when I was staying in Barcelona for two weeks, I was pleased to discover that every store carried Nutella. Even though I hadn’t had it in over a year, I wanted to taste something familiar so I decided to buy it. At first, I was a good girl and only ate Nutella in the context of a sandwich. Put a dollop here, a dollop there between two slices of bread, add a banana, and voilà, we have a sensible and delicious snack. After a few days, however, I was out of bread but still had some Nutella left. I knew that eating it out of the jar could possibly take me down a very dark path—one that I might’ve not been ready for spiritually, emotionally, and sexually—but I was desperate for the wondrous hazelnut spread. I needed its destination to be my gullet and was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. So I ate it out of the jar. I put spoonful after spoonful in my mouth and loved every sinful moment of it. I realized that those sandwiches were all just for show, to convince people that I was normal and eating Nutella in a socially acceptable way. Well, no more hiding! I was going to eat Nutella out of the jar in front of people with only 49% shame. If someone asked me for a Nutella sandwich, I would give them a knowing nod and slip them the jar. I spoke their language and could read between the lines. Edit: After eating Nutella straight out of the jar for two whole weeks, I started to experience stomach pains and feelings of fatassness. I have since quit cold turkey and have not looked back.

3. Girl Scout Cookies

God bless those Girl Scouts! When March rolls around each year, those girls essentially become my drug dealer. I meet them in parking lots driving a soccer mom SUV with tinted windows and ask for 25 boxes of Samoas and10 boxes of Thin Mints. My apartment quickly becomes a crack den with numerous boxes strewn across my floor. Sometimes I’ll even kidnap a girl scout who has a never ending supply so she can feed me when I start to experience withdrawals. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if girl scout cookies were laced with something. How else do you explain people’s extreme willingness to consume 10,000 calories in one sitting? That shit ain’t no joke. Despite what the boxes want you to believe, the cookies are not made with teamwork, leadership and love. They’re made with lard and a hint of black tar heroin (OMG, SECRET INGREDIENT!).

4. Chipotle

Chipotle is not for sissies. Those burritos do not fuck around. First of all, they weigh as much as Ally McBeal. Secondly, they’re 1200 calories, if not more. But you know what? They’re worth it. They’re the best fake Mexican food I’ve ever had. Like Girl Scout cookies, I’m convinced they’re also laced with something. Who knows what they’re putting in the sour cream? Probably vanilla ice cream with whipped cream.

5. Pringles

I can’t/won’t go down the Pringles road ever again. Their slogan is “Once you pop, you can’t stop”, which is true but I managed to break away from its suffocating grip. I just couldn’t live with myself if Pringles was the reason I got fat. I can deal with getting fat from bread pudding, flourless chocolate cake and organic ice cream, but not Pringles. Just no. TC mark

image – Wikipedia

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee Jamie ❤ 。◕

    I agree with Nutella… 

  • Anonymous


  • Sarah

    I always convince myself it’s okay to eat half a box of Wheat Thins…because I’ve always assumed that the ‘thin’ implied they were extremely low in fat and, would perhaps, make you thin…

  • jeremy

    chipotle hasnt been owned by mcdonalds since 2006

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Shafer/1169280047 Megan Shafer

    coincidentally, these are my top 5 favorite foods.

    • BrittanyW

      soul sisters right here.

  • JV

    Edamame is nature’s crack. Soooo addictive.

    • http://twitter.com/thuglifesparkle Mintii

      Nice to see other people sharing my loving addiction of edamame. It’s like that with popcorn. I end up just pouring the whole bag into my mouth. 

    • Guest

      Is it just me or does that sound like something gwenyth paltrow would say

  • Mr Shankly

    Man, nutella is more moorish than Othello.

  • Ella

    I cannot keep Nutella in my apartment, a jar will not last more than a week and just leads to a shame spiral.

  • G Scott

    Chipotle is NOT owned by McDonalds. They were a majority shareholder for a short period during expansion, but have since fully divested.

    • idk


  • O'Malley

    Whenever I make crepes I make sure to throw a few in a tupperware container, that way when I’m home alone I can have me some nutella crepe, banana & powered sugar. :::drool:::

  • Nutella addict

    I spent my summers at my grandparents house in France as a kid, and every sleepover I had included a midnight trip to the kitchen to eat Nutella straight from the jar. One night the jar slipped as we were tiptoeing back to my room to be gluttons in bed. Shards of glass and hazelnut spread all over the hallway floor, evidence my grandparents quickly discovered at 1am. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough humiliation to end my love affair with Nutella; I was more distraught that my craving would not be satiated that night.

  • Laura

    My god, and cheez-its.

    • http://twitter.com/tara_lane Tara Lane

      and goldfish. and cheddar chex mix.

    • http://twitter.com/r0semarym Rosemary McClure

      WHITE CHEDDAR mainly

  • Elle

    I will never stop eating Pringles and you can’t make me. Don’t even get me started on Thin Mints.

  • scott-anthony

    they weigh as much as Ally McBeal is a brilliant statement

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1135492806 Ischra Centeno

    If you feel that way about fake Mexican food, don’t ever try the real one. You’re gonna condemn yourself.

  • Anonymous

    what about KETTLE CORN?

  • Nixter_doodle

    Oh my God I love Thin Mints more than life itself some days – they HAVE to be laced with something. 

  • Anonymous

    You should’ve met my thighs when I had a love affair with Wheat Thins 3 years ago.    Sad to say that I had to break it off with Wheat Thins, my thighs followed shortly after.

  • The Skinny Pig

    I agree with the Nutella. But you forgot Snyder’s Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzel Pieces. Not nuggets…Pieces. Trust… 

    • Anonymous

      Oh, god, that is so true.

  • http://twitter.com/meghatron14 meghan

    Reading the comments on this is like some werid food sex chat. I feel so dirty. You made me think of chipotle, so now I have to get dressed and drive there to stuff my face. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! 

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

      Omigod I just laughed so hard!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

      Omigod I just laughed so hard!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

      Omigod I just laughed so hard!!!

  • http://www.integratingalyse.com/ Alyse

    I used to be ADDICTED to Nutella and ate two pieces of toast every  morning smothered with the good stuff.  Suddenly, I lost my taste for it and the jumbo size jar (unopened) in my cabinet sat alone for so long that when I finally opened it, I saw that a thin film had covered the goo and there was a growing circle of mold in it.

    So I somehow inadvertently quit Nutella cold turkey?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

    I got the nickname “Wheat Thin” for a few moments after I discovered I had a gluten allergy. I’m pretty sure whatever was happening in that christening was not ironic per se, but… oh god. I’m going to go sob into the jar of Nutella I don’t have sitting around.

  • http://www.facebook.com/seikel Steve Seikel


  • Anonymous


  • dip

    i once dipped a wheat thin in nutella

    I can’t say I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, but know that you’re fucking with something VERY serious

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