Building memories with friends makes people happy. Having an epic night of fun means you will always have a “Remember when?” moment to look back on. “Remember when?” makes some friendships go ’round. That and alcohol. If you’re in your twenties, you might even feel like you haven’t bonded with someone until you’ve gotten wasted with them. “We, like, need to get drunk together. Can we please?” What does this even mean? I don’t know but getting drunk with new friends also makes people happy and seems to cement the friendship quickly so there you go. Be happy. Get drunk.
Sex. Sex can be tricky because it can often make people feel terrible. Sleeping with the wrong person can make you cry in the grocery store, in your bed or at a party. It can also ruin pre-existing relationships and give you an incurable STD. But when it’s not being a little bitch, it’s making you very happy. It’s causing you to smile at two in the afternoon for no apparent reason, belt out the lyrics to Ashlee Simpson songs in the shower, and give 5 dollars to a homeless person. If you’re not having sex, chances are you aren’t happy and you’re finding ways to have it right now. Be careful though. Depending on the way you go about it, the sex might end up making you feel happy for 2.5 seconds and then miserable for a long time afterwards.
Having a new message on Facebook, a tweet, a text message. That’s the 2011 way of being happy. Friend requests are like a dose of Prozac and a wall post is the virtual equivalent of a big fat line of coke. Be wary of the comedown though. The Internet is a major source of people’s happiness but it also can make you totally depressed. It works in the same way as drugs and sex do. You’re happy when you get it and sad when you don’t. Where can you get more text messages?! You would do anything for a new tweet. ANYTHING.
Good weather. Good weather inspires many people to write, “It’s a beautiful day!” and talk incessantly about it with their friends. There will be a mass migration of people to a nearby park, and you’ll watch them act happy in the sunshine, sunbathing, rolling around in the grass screaming “GIVE ME MORE!” Weather is weirdly a huge deal to lot of people. People have Vitamin D deficiencies, are susceptible to seasonal depression, and sometimes have to move to a city where the sun shines.
Betty White makes people happy. Maybe it’s because she’s super old and old people are so cute, oh my god, and her brain still works great, which helps assuage our fears of getting older. She’s like 90 years old, right? I think I’ll either be dead by then or pooping my pants on a semi-regular basis. I’ll never be Betty White. I’ll just be old.
Being young makes people happy. Having endless amounts of energy and tight skin and a flat stomach is super fun! Conversely, being old makes some people unhappy. And it’s not just because our society prizes youth. It’s because stuff starts going wrong in your body as you get older. Things get very…strange. At least that’s what my father tells me. I tell him not to explain.
You make people happy. It’s weird to think about—the idea that your presence could brighten someone’s day—but it happens. You being you makes other people excited and giddy. Cool, right? Now step away from the ledge…