Thought Catalog

Ten Reasons Why Being Single Sucks

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  1. No one is required to care about your crappy day and listen to your boring story about getting cut in line at the bagel shop. All of these little grievances have to be kept inside. You can try calling your friend and being like, “You will never guess what just happened. I ordered my mocha with skim and they gave me whole milk!” but your friend will probably respond with something along the lines of, “Oh, bummer. BRB. I have to take a hit from my “Caring” bong in order to stay interested in this conversation.” Your boyfriend/girlfriend, however, has to care. It’s part of the deal. You give them orgasms so you can tell really boring stories that won’t really go anywhere.
  2. You’re not being told you’re beautiful, hot, and sexy every week. No one is making you feel like the powerful sexy beast you really are! Unless you’re actually having lots of casual sex. Then you’re hearing it a lot from people who may or may not know your name.
  3. Sex is not guaranteed. It’s not something you just have waiting for you at the end of the long day. “Oh thank god! Sex is here. Thanks for ordering it!” A single person’s substitute for sex is a glass of wine, and an order of chicken tika marsala while watching old episodes of 30 Rock. To get some kicks, maybe they will wear something provocative for the delivery man.
  4. There’s an absence of passion. Your highs aren’t that high, your lows aren’t that low. Things are just remarkably dull. A relationship makes things exciting. It’s like a super fun job you look forward to doing every day.
  5. If you’re in a relationship and happen to accidentally die alone in your apartment, you can feel comfort in knowing that your significant other will become aware of your absence immediately. No maggots for this dead body! They had a beau!
  6. You have to date, which is a cruel and exhausting process. You must meet strangers in dimly lit bars to decide if you want them to eventually see you eating Nutella out of the jar in your underwear or crying after a bad day at work or throwing up. Most of them end up being people you only want to see naked for an hour and never again.
  7. You’re seated at the “singles” table at a wedding. There is nothing darker than the “singles” table at a wedding.
  8. Grocery shopping is depressing. One single package of Amy’s macaroni and cheese, a yogurt, and some ice cream. Yup, you are someone who is not getting laid right now.
  9. Feeling like you have nothing to contribute to the conversation when you’re hanging out with your friends who are in relationships.
  10. You start to have weak orgasms from masturbating. Even your body is sick of your crap and wants you to find someone to have sex with. TC mark
image – h.koppdelaney
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I used to get butterflies when I looked at you, but now they feel more like maggots feasting away on the heart you slaughtered.

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  • guest

    #1,2,4, 5, and 9…..YES

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

    11. Nobody else to pick up the dry-cleaning when you're feeling lazy/busy.

  • Guest

    Shit, you're right.
    I guess I've thought of all that, but it's usually not thrust at me in list format. Now I'm bummed.

  • http://readywater.ca Readywater

    Let's not forget the crushing disappointment when you realize that all the fun those single friends keep talking about are really just stories stolen from Thought Catalog.

    • http://readywater.ca Readywater

      Which, for that matter, brings me to the fact that this site is the fucking bermuda triangle of lifestyle writing. The compass normally wouldn't be spinning so fast as to give off smoke.

  • kim

    Nine is a definite, and its so frustrating. Makes me want to punch every cute couple I see.

  • guest

    welll those were my grocery store purchases yesterday.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Love Ryan O'Connell

  • June

    4 and 8 – so true.

  • Fatty

    overdone

  • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana Z.

    BRB, going to have a little cry about how this is my life right now.

  • TyTheLandStander

    12. Having to leave the oral surgeon in a cab because NO ONE was able to pick you and finding yourself wandering through CVS high on anesthesia and bleeding out your mouth.

    • Oliver Miller

      Yeah, I'd add that having a cold or a fever when you're single is also horrendous. I'm always like: “…Juice? Where's the person who's supposed to bring me juice?”

    • Emily

      aww

  • GUEST

    also, you start seeing your couple-friends do social things with OTHER couples. a painful reminder you are not a part of that.

  • eleven

    11. the apartment you're moving into next semester suddenly is taken up by three people in relationships…and you and your stuffed elephant.

  • M&Ms

    Sigh…#10. Yes, it's gotten to that…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=292400020 Haley Fiege

    I think #4 is a little off. Especially in NYC single life seems to be WAY more exciting than relationship life. I'm all talking about sneaking in underground overpass parties or whatever and my coupled friends are telling me about this great new sitcom they watched on Bravo at 8pm last night.

    13. Buying two concert tickets months in advanced and being stressed about who to invite.

  • http://twitter.com/Cackles Mitch

    If you'll excuse me, I need to go hang out with Eeyore for a while.

  • http://nicole-elizabeth.tumblr.com Nicole

    Bright sides!

    1) You'll realize that your day-to-day activities are trivial filler and start watching the news or finding new music so you have something to talk about with strangers.2) Being told you're beautiful every day loses its value after a while. It means a lot more when it comes from someone you're not expecting it to come from. You might actually blush.3) The sexiest sex is unexpected sex.4) Be happy if your life is drama-free. How many of your peers can say that?5) You're dead, you won't care.6) Okay, dating does suck. But at the very least, it's an opportunity to learn something new. I can't say I've ever gone on a date I've gotten nothing out of, even if it's “Wow, never do that again.”7) Bring a friend as a date! You'll have way more fun dancing your butt off with a friend rather than introducing a significant other to suspicious friends/family and worrying constantly if they're having a good time. Weddings also seem to trigger that “Shoot, should I propose?” commitment-pressure.8) I regularly eat cereal for dinner. It's an economical, low-pressure, easy option. Cooking takes too long anyway.
    9) You know there's a part of them that occasionally thinks, “Being single was so fun. I wish I didn't have anyone to answer to.” The grass is always greener.
    10) You don't have to fake it!

    • Guest

      “Rationalizations”

      • Nicole

        I chose to end my 4.5-year-long relationship using “rationalizations,” sure…

  • http://twitter.com/NIKO93 Alex Nikolov

    #13. You start writing about your lack of sex-life on a popular blog and people then 'empathise'.

  • Ms. Pants

    Where does one find a Caring Bong? My local shop only sells Laugh At Your Pain Bongs. Consequently, being single works for me and my friends don't try to get me to dissect the inner-fuckery of their stupid relationships.

  • valentine-kitchenson

    This is all so true I think I'm about ready to slit my wrists.

    Not really. But wine and chicken tika marsala and 30 Rock sounds really good right now.

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    “A single person’s substitute for sex is a glass of wine, and an order of chicken tika marsala while watching old episodes of 30 Rock.”

    Replace “glass of wine” with “half of a pint of bourbon” and “chicken tika marsala” with “instant mac and cheese” and you have my life.

  • sloppysoup

    all sadly miserable and relevant towards my life. you nailed it, sir.

  • Greg

    “If you’re in a relationship and happen to accidentally die alone in your
    apartment, you can feel comfort in knowing that your significant other
    will become aware of your absence immediately. No maggots for this dead
    body! They had a beau!”

    I feel like all your relationship articles have this running theme in them

  • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

    ugh then there's also the single phase where you want to remain single, say “i am single by choice” and for inexplicable reasons this attracts people?!

  • Anon

    3. Maybe one of the reasons you're single is that you're expecting sex to be guaranteed all the time in a relationship? Just because you're attached doesn't mean you can get sex-on-demand, you know.

    • PoorAnon!

      Anon really needs to get laid.

      • Anon

        Anon is in a happy relationship but thinks that everyone has a right to – gasp – not want sex all the time! Never mind, I forgot that this place was populated by sexist douches.

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