Sex Is Weird

Sex. Sex is weird. Let’s talk about it.

Sex is gross and that’s why I love it. Sometimes it can seriously be the least sexiest thing on the planet. Think about it. People look their best so they can get laid. They make themselves go from a 5 to a 7 and then a few hours later when they’re doing it, they look like a 2. They transform into a wild animal with sex hair who’s in an unflattering body angle. And you know what? No one cares. It’s come as you aren’t outside of the bedroom and then cum as you are the second you get naked. Any feelings of inadequacy you have about your body need to get deleted because chances are your partner does not care. They’re just happy they have a body they can do naughty things to.

It’s also weird to think about how everyone has sex. Your fat Kindergarten teacher had sex. She did, I swear! Maybe she even had lots of sex. She had two children so that’s a guaranteed two times someone had sex with her. Here she is teaching you how to read and then there she is getting naked with some dude. Whoa, sex is crazy. We have our two separate selves. There’s the self that isn’t sexual. The self that pays their taxes, sells used cars, makes lentil soup, goes to Home Depot for paint, wears a blazer to work and feeds everyone donuts. And then there is the sexual self—the self that would do unmentionable things for a little touch, the self that prefers to be dominated over being submissive, the self that just wants to let their freak flag fly. I find this divide to be fascinating. How can someone know a killer recipe for eggplant and also like to get choked by their lover? How can those two things exist in the same mind?

Sometimes when I’m dealing with someone really “professional” like my dentist or a telemarketer, I like to imagine them trolling the bars and acting like a little freak on a leash. It humanizes them and makes me smile. I want to scream at them, “Stop being a sterile freak. I know what you did last summer! I know you must’ve blacked out a few times in college and slept around. Show me this person!” I guess this desire stems from my inability to have professional boundaries with anyone. I’m always looking for ways to make my anal retentive bank teller loosen up. I once went to a really minimalist therapist who would just ask me, “How does that make you feel?” I was frustrated and felt like this person was a statue so I tried to get her to chill a bit. After five sessions, I got her to talk to me about her past relationships and reveal to me that she was once addicted to opiates. Yay. She showed me her humanity! Now I needed to stop seeing her because I found out she was crazy. Oops!

People’s attitude towards sex when they’re not inhabiting their sexual selves is very telling. When someone’s in work mode, it’s interesting to see if they’re willing to share their duality. Because we all have these things inside of us. And it all comes back to sex. It all comes back to who you are when the lights are off and you’re letting someone see all of you.

Yup. Sex is weird. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. TC mark

image – Horiavarlan

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • sjs

    I adore this.

  • Greg Petliski

    Its funny, we think alike. When I see pregnant women or people with kids and theyre all like “ohhh how sweet and precious!” all I can think of is “you guys had sex. SEX!”

  • Blech

    This is obviously inspired by that My So Called Life episode where Angela is uncomfortable with sex.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      YES. I'm glad you got it.

      • Ryan O'Connell

        oh wait, i think you were criticizing me. #dark

      • ADV

        Love this—I immediately thought of the scene where Angela was walking down the hall thinking about how all of her teachers have sex, and then says, “I'm like the sickest person.” So good!

      • Tim

        The comment is so neutral so maybe it's not criticizing you it's just a casual observa… oh wait the commentor's name is Blech. Damn.

        Well I liked it.

  • Aelya

    I'm ALWAYS imagining people having sex. It's fun, but it can get creepy fast.

  • Meghan Blalock

    Sooo true. Sex IS weird. I never thought it was weird until I became an “adult.” I find it disconcerting now. Not that that's a bad thing, or that it means I don't like it. Embrace the disconcertment.

  • SisterRay

    Sex is VERY weird. If you think about it too much and really consider what exactly is happening, it's like…wait, we're doing what now?

  • guest

    eh i dunno, i think all of a sudden becoming a 2 is a pretty big deal for the girl in heter-normative couplings. or maybe i only date assholes. or maybe im just too in my own head and im like “he looked away, it's because of a particular role of fat, he's thinking about his ex-gf or some kind of porn that would probably really freak me out. ” sex is weird it gives me issues #TL;DR

    • GUEST

      *roll of fat

  • xra

    sex is only weird if you forget that you're an animal

    just a bipedal mammal with a hair shortage, same chemical levers being pulled by similar stimuli, no big deal really

  • Carolyn DeCarlo

    i was srsly thinking abt the teacher thing yesterday! yucky, but also kind of cool i guess.

  • Guest

    Ryan O'Connell is weird.

    • guest

      In the way that sex is weird, I mean. Which, I think, is good?

  • Stoner??

    Think sex is weird? Try eating some pot brownies then having sex. It will REALLY highlight the strange aspects of it.

  • Nicki

    Sex is SO WEIRD. It's like “we like licking people in random places and then putting that WHERE?!?” So so strange. If you think about it too much it's kind of off-putting.

  • Rushel Miller

    I'd just like to point out that if you are being dominated your are submissive.

    So it makes absolutely no sense to prefer being dominated over being submissive.

    Apart from that, I liked it.

  • mertzy

    OMG i just thought about how my dad, brother, and I have all (probably) sucked on the same teat and that teat belongs to my mother. /barf

  • Hannah Foster.

    When I'm on the bus I like to guess at how the people seated perform sexually. It's more than likely that I'll never know, but it's a fun game. And, nine times out of ten, when I meet an attractive person my mind will immediately go to them masturbating. 

    The teacher thing is also so true it hurts.

  • Amanda Viers

    But, Ryan, I don't want to think of my dentist being sexy.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    Every article you write sounds so excited and just adorable.
    Sex IS weird.

  • Emma

    Sex is the best.

  • Lauren

    I know mothers (usually) cannot wait for the day they become a grandmother – but wouldn't it be so gross for them finding out that their child has had sex???????? I think about that a lot.

  • Olivia

    “How can someone know a killer recipe for eggplant and also like to get
    choked by their lover? How can those two things exist in the same mind?”

    This. This right here.

  • Joe

    This speaks volumes to the ways in which culturally, Americans are much more apt to express their sexuality in their personality, and how someone not doing that can make us uncomfortable sometimes. I agree, whenever I see someone super uptight,I picture them doing really dirty things. Because you KNOW they probably do anyway… I wish everyone was comfortable with themselves enough to show a little more skin, smile a little more coyly, etc….

    • Noah Tourjee

      I am picturing my doctor in a tank top smiling coyly and it is upsetting

    • Greg Petliski

      Oh so girls arent showing enough skin you say?

      • Ceqli

        That's not what he said, and that's not what he meant. Sex is taboo in the public sphere in America. Oh, I know we like to show skin – men and women both – but there's a fundamental difference in how Europeans and Americans approach each other. Primo example – many European cultures greet each other by kissing each other on the cheek. Does that happen here? No. We are just not comfortable with that level of physical contact in public – we are still puritans at heart.

      • DB

        talk about puritans at heart, try coming to Asia

  • Marcus

    I'm so glad to see that I am not the only one out there who does this constantly. And OMGD my kindergarten teacher was like Prime-Biggest Loser-Candidate fat and she always smelled like chocolate pudding but I know she had like 8 kids of her own. Yikes.

  • Kelsey

    Might be my favorite piece so far.

  • shoehorn

    ryan o'connell will wrestle giants when he grows up

  • Duke Holland of Gishmale

    You mean to tell me that Mrs. Lawn was having sex?! THIS IS BLASPHEMOUS! NO! I HATE YOU! I WON'T BELIEVE IT!

    My life is a lie.

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