In case you haven’t noticed the Rapture never came yesterday, which I’m sure made everyone secretly breathe a sigh of relief at their respective End of the World BBQ’s. I, for one, am kind of pissed the world didn’t end. Not because I’m suicidal or actually want everyone I know to die but because it would finally get everyone to shut up about their Doomsday scenarios. I’ve watched the world end approximately 10,000 times in movies, I’ve lived through the LOLathon that was Y2K, and I’ll experience another Apocalyptic fever when 2012 rolls around. I’m tired of it. Why do people do this to themselves? Why must the world give me continual anxiety over its demise? If the world actually did end yesterday, it would have just given us exactly what we asked for. “Ha ha, the world is ending. Ha ha, I’m terrified. Ha ha. this is so stupid. Ha ha, wait the world is actually blowing up.” That’s right, bitches. Now what? The world is pissed at us for always thinking it’s going to end so now it might just finally grant us our subconscious wish.
I’m mostly just kidding, obvi. If the world ended, I would actually be super bummed. I’m 60% atheist, which means that when I die there will be no afterlife. Everything will just fade to blackout and that will be the end. God, just thinking about the idea of nothingness makes me sort of want to pass out. I love life. Having it stop one day is unfathomable and devastating to me. That being said, there are a few things I wouldn’t miss at all. They are the following:
- I would no longer have to be subjected to any more ridiculous End of the World theories. This would make “Dead Me” very happy.
- No more hangovers. Days would no longer be deleted because of headaches, nausea and upset stomach. This also means I could no longer get drunk though. Maybe I need to rethink this one a bit.
- Dying is free! No more paying for stuff! No more bills to pay, iced coffee to buy, rent to send. If there is actually a Hell, it would cost so much money. You would be charged $100.00 a second to exist and everyone would end up in debt. It would be like living in London except totally less chic.
- I wouldn’t outlive anyone. We would all be dead in one fell swoop so I wouldn’t have to grieve the death of my parents or friends. It sounds more appealing than being the last one to die. I wouldn’t want to survive the Armageddon. If the world was like, “J/K, you can stay and live while everyone else dies, I would be like “No thanks.” I mean, have you seen I Am Legend? Please. Whenever I read stories about someone living till 110, I can’t help but feel bad for them. Everyone they’ve ever loved is probably dead so how can they be stoked on life? I’ll say it now. If I live till 110, I’m going to be pissed.
OK, writing this is making me feel really morbid and paranoid that I’m going to drop dead in the next five minutes so I’m going to stop. The take home message is this: Stop talking about the Apocalypse because it’s weird, annoying, and scary. Also, the only good thing about dying is that we would no longer have to pay for shit but that’s not even that cool and working isn’t that bad so dying just 100% sucks. Got it?