How To Hate Yourself

Wake up everyday feeling like you want to go straight back to bed. Sorry, I know that’s a super intense way to start the how-to, but hating yourself is pretty much the most intense thing ever. So there you go. Digest that.

Get ready for the day. Dread looking at yourself in the mirror because what you see will make you want to put a paper bag over your head. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Grendel or a Gisele. If you hate yourself, you’re always a Grendel. You could whittle yourself down to 90 pounds and still say things like, “My shoulder blade looks ugly! The veins in my arm are so sick looking!” Most of the time you’ll keep these insane thoughts to yourself, but sometimes you’ll vocalize them to someone who doesn’t hate themselves and they’ll tell you, “What do you mean?! You’re so beautiful, oh my god. You’re nuts!” Your friend does not realize that they are wasting their time with these compliments. Their perception pales in comparison to the power of your  own self-loathing. There is no logic to hating yourself, which makes it all the more difficult to fix. If someone sees the color blue when they should be seeing grey, how do you get them to see what’s actually there?

Never really believe in the choices you make. Eat tacos for dinner and wonder if you should’ve had spaghetti. Take three hours to get dressed in the morning because it’s impossible to find an outfit you feel ok in. Apologize for everything. “I’m sorry I’m here taking up space. I’m sorry I’m ten minutes early. I’m sorry for all it.” No need to apologize, self-loathing person. We’re sorry that you’re sorry.

Who didn’t love you when you were younger? Who didn’t come to your little league games? Who made you feel like a waste of space? It’s hard to believe that self-loathing is innate. It just slowly piles on in your childhood and before you know it, you’re throwing up your dinner and dating someone who is incapable of loving you back. You were born with the capacity to love yourself and then something or someone stole it from you. Now you’re too depressed to want it back.

If you hate yourself, you might never know true love. Not just with yourself (that will require years of therapy and numerous servings of lithium ice cream) but from others. You see, assholes have a sixth sense for people with low self-esteem. Like a meek moth to a vengeful flame, they invariably end up together. It makes sense. If you think you’re a piece of shit, you want to be with someone who will treat you like shit. Because it’s what you think you deserve. If you actually met someone nice, you would freak out and think, “Why is this person actually treating me with care and compassion? What a turnoff! We will never work out. We don’t see eye-to-eye on anything. They think I’m the bees knees when I’m clearly dogshit. What a nutjob!”

Be permanently exhausted. Hating yourself is a full-time job and you do not get any benefits. Maybe that’s why sad people always think they’re fat. The weight of inferiority is so extreme that you feel like you’re the size of an IMAX screen. You only start to shed the metaphorically pounds when you’re able to see yourself for what you really are. But it might be awhile until that happens. TC mark

image – Wikipedia

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • Nancy Malig

    I'm not dating an asshole….clearly, I don't hate myself quite enough yet. I do all the other stuff tho.

    • Nancy Malig

      ..oh and the puking. I don't do that either but only because I have virtually no gag reflex at all. I hate myself for that.

      • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

        bet guys don't.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    this site has been kinda depressing lately.

  • Bri

    “Like a meek moth to a vengeful flame, they invariably end up together”

    Love, Love, Love!

  • soulunsold

    Thank you for the affirmation. Let me just go back to bed while waiting for your “how to love yourself” accompanying article.

  • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

    what an inspiration!! now i want some lithium ice cream, dammit, where can i find that?

  • Oh

    what was the point of this article? i kept waiting for it to go somewhere, then it just sort of died.

  • ok

    Not all self hatred is delusional. A lot of it is based on reality.

  • Bethany

    I always date assholes because when guys think I'm awesome I decide they must be really, really dumb. You're right, it's a huge turnoff when a guy is nice to me. Like helloooo can't you see what a shitbag I am? Idiot.

    • reader

      Well then you should see a therapist. You and many, many other people.

  • Sarah

    I've never really been able to articulate my self-loathing. Thanks for that, Ryan.

  • Amy

    drivel

  • sidebar

    #winning

  • federico

    yeap i hate myself

  • http://tinypinkrobots.smackjeeves.com Rori

    This is the best thing I've read on here.

  • http://lukenathan.tumblr.com Luke

    Yes. And the shitty thing is that the people who really need to understand this article are the ones who won't get it.

    • El

      No, it's me, and I love it.

  • Arressjee

    Why Demi Lavato?

    • Ryan O'Connell

      demi hates herself.

  • DL

    This is actually incredible. Point of irony: I think it's really only possible to write about hating yourself so accurately and concisely when you don't hate yourself anymore, or you've at least learned to manage it. This is the voice of a survivor. Cue Beyonce.

  • salem

    great article. you are a gentleman and a scholar.

  • El

    Point for point, I am this. Thank you for understanding. And it makes me want to clench my fists and weep.

    • El

      And the question is, should I send it to the one who is unable to love me and makes me throw up my dinner?

  • life

    Precisely you survived yourself

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    “Eat tacos for dinner and wonder if you should’ve had spaghetti.”
    ugh yes. The thing I hate most about myself is questioning every insignificant decision I make.

  • Sarah

    You forgot: Procrastinate to the point that you end up doing absolutely nothing. Why even bother, it's never going to measure up to what other people have done. It'll never be perfect.

    Thanks for this article. It completely sums up my current state. And it made me feel less alone.

    • Diffy

      You took the words right out of my mouth.

  • http://www.rainbowcouch.co.uk Bi Dudette Psychologist

    Ryan, you're amazing. I know this makes me sound like some psycho stalker, but I'm a reasonably sane person and I really think that.

  • Nico

    Shit, I've been doing it all wrong.

  • http://twitter.com/fuckpicnics Zoe Young

    “It’s hard to believe that self-loathing is innate. It just slowly piles on in your childhood and before you know it, you’re throwing up your dinner and dating someone who is incapable of loving you back.”

    hello, have we met?

  • RamonaCC

    Great, right after I finished reading this that song “Ooh Ooh Child” by Five Stairsteps came on shuffle. I didn't think I hated myself (I always thought I was better than everyone else) but now I'm kinda want to cry because “ooh child, things are gonna get easier, ooh child things'll get brighter” are such soothing feel-better words. “Someday we'll put it together and get it on done, someday when you're head is much lighter” what a goddamn great song.

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