Five Things You Can’t Say Without Sounding Like A Douche
By Thoughtis
1. Anyone in college that says “I’m working on my memoir.”
Imagine this real life scenario. I’m a senior in college when I run into an acquaintance of mine in the computer lab. I see that she’s writing furiously and I innocently ask her, “What are you working on? A paper?” To my shock, amusement, and horror, my friend actually responds with, “It’s my memoir.” At first I thought she was joking so I started to laugh. When I realized homegirl wasn’t kidding, however, I had to stifle my chuckles and actually ask, “Really? What is it about?” In my head I’m thinking of possible chapter titles: Another Time I Was At A House Party In Bushwick, Why Won’t He Text Me Back?, and Vegan Pizza and Me: An Ambivalent Love Story. I mean, how could you possibly in earnest begin work on a memoir at the age of twenty-one? What has possibly happened to you that would require a whole novel’s worth of stories? Furthermore, who would actually read it? My friend wasn’t the only one. I soon started hearing people on campus talk about the memoir they’re in the midst of writing. “It’s really stressful. Like I’m interning at Urban Outfitters and trying to finish this damn memoir. I just need to get it out of me. Once I’m done, I’ll feel like I’ve given birth or something.” Yes, given birth to a giant mistake. Memoirs written by college students should be aborted at the Planned Parenthood of Writing.
2. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
How many episodes of Friends and Seinfeld need to be dedicated to this BS excuse in order for it to go away forever? People still use this as reason to end a relationship. If someone ever said it to me, I would just respond with, “Where’s the laugh track?” Everyone knows that it’s a lie that loosely translates to “It’s you, not me. Never was me, never going to be me. It was always you you you!” You might as well lie and say you’ve switched teams or something.
3. “I don’t go to Brooklyn or *insert other neighborhood here*”
If you don’t go to Brooklyn, where do you go? The Gap? Bath & Body Works? Even though I live in Manhattan, I realize that most fun things take place in Brooklyn. Manhattan is populated by rich bankers and trustafarians, which makes it a less than an ideal hangout spot. Writing the borough off shows that your Judge Judyness is preventing you from experiencing great things. Runner up douchey comment: “I don’t go east of La Brea.”
4. “I’m actually good friends with *insert semi-famous person here*”
Knowing a famous person doesn’t make you cool (unless the celebrity in question is Winona Ryder or something. I mean, can you imagine?), but people still insist on name-dropping their way through life. “Last night me and Chlo (Chloe Sevigny) went to this party at so-and-so’s and hung out with so-and-so.” They say it so casually like they’re not actually talking about a celeb. I understand if you’re friends with a celeb IRL, you can’t just be dropping their full name because that would be weird and not natural. But talking about it in this drippy disaffected tone also comes off as bogus.
5. “Hey guys! Please help me get to 3,000 followers! I’ll give you a special treat in return :)”
I know Twitter is a powerful tool and the more followers you have, the better it is for your…life? But I can’t help but cringe every time I see someone tweet, “Help me get to 5,000 followers please you guys!” It just seems so sad to publicly beg on your Twitter for more followers. Everyone knows you would kill for more followers. But openly vocalizing it makes the whole Twitter game seem so gross and awkward. Everyone’s narcissism and obsession with internet fame becomes exposed.