Five Things You Can’t Say Without Sounding Like A Douche

1. Anyone in college that says “I’m working on my memoir.”

Imagine this real life scenario. I’m a senior in college when I run into an acquaintance of mine in the computer lab. I see that she’s writing furiously and I innocently ask her, “What are you working on? A paper?” To my shock, amusement, and horror, my friend actually responds with, “It’s my memoir.” At first I thought she was joking so I started to laugh. When I realized homegirl wasn’t kidding, however, I had to stifle my chuckles and actually ask, “Really? What is it about?” In my head I’m thinking of possible chapter titles: Another Time I Was At A House Party In Bushwick, Why Won’t He Text Me Back?, and Vegan Pizza and Me: An Ambivalent Love Story. I mean, how could you possibly in earnest begin work on a memoir at the age of twenty-one? What has possibly happened to you that would require a whole novel’s worth of stories? Furthermore, who would actually read it? My friend wasn’t the only one. I soon started hearing people on campus talk about the memoir they’re in the midst of writing. “It’s really stressful. Like I’m interning at Urban Outfitters and trying to finish this damn memoir. I just need to get it out of me. Once I’m done, I’ll feel like I’ve given birth or something.” Yes, given birth to a giant mistake. Memoirs written by college students should be aborted at the Planned Parenthood of Writing.

2. “It’s not you. It’s me.”

How many episodes of Friends and Seinfeld need to be dedicated to this BS excuse in order for it to go away forever? People still use this as reason to end a relationship. If someone ever said it to me, I would just respond with, “Where’s the laugh track?” Everyone knows that it’s a lie that loosely translates to “It’s you, not me. Never was me, never going to be me. It was always you you you!” You might as well lie and say you’ve switched teams or something.

3. “I don’t go to Brooklyn or *insert other neighborhood here*”

If  you don’t go to Brooklyn, where do you go? The Gap? Bath & Body Works? Even though I live in Manhattan, I realize that most fun things take place in Brooklyn. Manhattan is populated by rich bankers and trustafarians, which makes it a less than an ideal hangout spot. Writing the borough off shows that your Judge Judyness is preventing you from experiencing great things. Runner up douchey comment: “I don’t go east of La Brea.”

4. “I’m actually good friends with *insert semi-famous person here*”

Knowing a famous person doesn’t make you cool (unless the celebrity in question is Winona Ryder or something. I mean, can you imagine?), but people still insist on name-dropping their way through life. “Last night me and Chlo (Chloe Sevigny) went to this party at so-and-so’s and hung out with so-and-so.” They say it so casually like they’re not actually talking about a celeb. I understand if you’re friends with a celeb IRL, you can’t just be dropping their full name because that would be weird and not natural. But talking about it in this drippy disaffected tone also comes off as bogus.

5. “Hey guys! Please help me get to 3,000 followers! I’ll give you a special treat in return :)”

I know Twitter is a powerful tool and the more followers you have, the better it is for your…life? But I can’t help but cringe every time I see someone tweet, “Help me get to 5,000 followers please you guys!” It just seems so sad to publicly beg on your Twitter for more followers. Everyone knows you would kill for more followers. But openly vocalizing it makes the whole Twitter game seem so gross and awkward. Everyone’s narcissism and obsession with internet fame becomes exposed. TC mark

image – zigazou76

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    #1, 3, and #5 I wholeheartedly agree.

  • Alexa

    Is it douchey to not especially want more followers on twitter?

  • Jamesdean

    The overwhelming irony of this is, of course, that in posting with such unbridled frequency on TC, Ryan has unwittingly created the most banal, unreadable memoir in existence.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      im glad you got “it”, beb!

    • GEORGIERQ

      hush you

  • raerae

    So banal and unreadable it got you through all his pots and to the end of this one just to comment?

  • raerae

    Banal and unreadable, yet you finished it and were stirred enough to comment? Hmm.

    • ha

      fail.

  • Vida Kaye

    #6: I live in new york

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    “I wrote a novel” said with shame

  • cst

    this really made me laugh out loud

  • http://lukenathan.tumblr.com Luke

    Hey, I like the Gap.

  • ehebnd


    But openly vocalizing it makes the whole Twitter game seem so gross and awkward.”twitter is gross and awkward no matter what

  • Amro

    nice!
    3 doesn't work if you make fun of manhattan WHILE you say writing off boroughs is douchy. unless you're ironically being a douche, which is cool.

    4: people don't say they know someone famous necessarily because they think it makes them cool. it could be because it's RELEVANT to the conversation and that's how conversations work.

    that's just my op but post was still sick

  • http://twitter.com/blingless Dave P

    Reverse hipster douchery: “I don't go to Manhattan/West of LaBrea”

  • ryan chang

    'are the [fruits, meats, grains, perhaps even people] organic?'

  • Tinkikiwi

    2. What if it really was me?

  • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

    Ryan has bored me to Death with another decrepit piece of filth that I enjoyed reading. I am looking forward to commenting anonymously on future dust filled banal chapters in his remarkable and repulsive memoir which I told you already I dislike.

  • Pfft

    wait, ryan, are you gay? i'm confused.

  • Vee

    'Runner up douchey comment: “I don’t go east of La Brea.” '

    anyone who would pass up on k-town doesn't deserve to have any fun in life, seriously.

  • savagegirl

    Dude you totally missed the ultimately douchey activities of “upcycling” and “repurposing”. That person really means that they are making something that is garbage or used to be used some other way into something.

  • commonsenseguy

    #5:  talking S#it about twitter

    ….followed by……

    …wait for it…..

    ”                      You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.                “

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