1. Your mom
Beware the mother who is figuring out how to send text messages on her phone! My mother is one of them and it’s not pretty. If I ignore two of her phone calls in a row, I’ll just get a text message from her that literally reads “CallMom.” The first time she did this, I freaked out because I thought someone had died or something. When I called her up though, she was just like, “Oh, there’s nothing going on. Just wanted to chat!” I nearly had a heart attack. I know it took her 30 minutes to text “CallMom” so I assumed it was serious. Alas, homegirl just wanted to shoot the breeze with her baby boy. I secretly want her to send me more so I can just put it in a book called Texts From My Mom, make six figures and sell that shit at Urban Outfitters.
2. Your drug dealer
Maybe it’s because drug dealers live in a constant state of paranoia or maybe it’s because they’re slightly retarded from dipping into their own stash but they send the most hilarious text messages! First, they speak in code with their drugs so something like Adrenaline means Adderall, Kate Moss can be substituted for coke and Mary Jane obviously means weed. They’ll treat them like they’re actual people and be like, “Good morningggggg. I got Kate, Mary, and Adrenaline. Let me know if you wanna meet up with them later!” My friend once had a drug dealer seriously text her out of the blue to say, “Can you bring me a cheeseburger, onion rings and a Pepsi?” Pause. “Please.” Um, no.
3. Your flaky friend
Your flaky friend is allergic to your text messages. They’re fine with everyone else’s but when you text them, they start itching uncontrollably, scream, and throw their phone against the wall. A few hours later when they’ve stopped shaking, they’ll read your text and give you a vague infuriating response. Planning something with your flaky friend is virtually impossible. You have plans on Tuesday unless no one addresses them on Monday in which case your plans have now been moved to Thursday, but your flaky friend thinks they’re busy that day so they’ll text you on Wednesday telling you for sure if they can do it or not, but then all of a sudden it’s Sunday and you haven’t seen or heard from them and what the hell is their problem?!
4. Your crush
Your crush’s job is to drive you insane through text messages. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually prompt and text you the things you need to hear to make it through the day, they will never be good enough at texting. They’ve been sent here by the evil gods of technology to make you crazy and question everything you once knew. One day you’re happy and living your life crush free and the next you’re controlled by the noise on your phone that alerts you if you have a new message. “I would do anything to hear that noise right now!”
5. Your ex
Newsflash: Your ex hates you and wants you to stop sending him drunk texts saying “im drunk and i think i still love you bye.” They’re in bed sober when you send this and they’re looking at it being like, “No. No. No.” and they don’t text you back because why would they? Meanwhile, you’re left just sitting at that bodega ordering your chicken parmesan sandwich in a complete shame spiral because you know you shouldn’t have sent him that message. You’ll always get text silence from your ex and it will be the kind of silence that is deafening. It will make your eardrums bleed by its howling screams of “Don’t talk to me!” Moments like this one will make you really consider drowning your phone in your chicken parm and calling it a day.