Five Kinds of People Who Are Bad At Texting

1. Your mom

Beware the mother who is figuring out how to send text messages on her phone! My mother is one of them and it’s not pretty. If I ignore two of her phone calls in a row, I’ll just get a text message from her that literally reads “CallMom.” The first time she did this, I freaked out because I thought someone had died or something. When I called her up though, she was just like, “Oh, there’s nothing going on. Just wanted to chat!” I nearly had a heart attack. I know it took her 30 minutes to text “CallMom” so I assumed it was serious. Alas, homegirl just wanted to shoot the breeze with her baby boy. I secretly want her to send me more so I can just put it in a book called Texts From My Mom, make six figures and sell that shit at Urban Outfitters.

2. Your drug dealer

Maybe it’s because drug dealers live in a constant state of paranoia or maybe it’s because they’re slightly retarded from dipping into their own stash but they send the most hilarious text messages! First, they speak in code with their drugs so something like Adrenaline means Adderall, Kate Moss can be substituted for coke and Mary Jane obviously means weed. They’ll treat them like they’re actual people and be like, “Good morningggggg. I got Kate, Mary, and Adrenaline. Let me know if you wanna meet up with them later!” My friend once had a drug dealer seriously text her out of the blue to say, “Can you bring me a cheeseburger, onion rings and a Pepsi?” Pause. “Please.” Um, no.

3. Your flaky friend

Your flaky friend is allergic to your text messages. They’re fine with everyone else’s but when you text them, they start itching uncontrollably, scream, and throw their phone against the wall. A few hours later when they’ve stopped shaking, they’ll read your text and give you a vague infuriating response. Planning something with your flaky friend is virtually impossible. You have plans on Tuesday unless no one addresses them on Monday in which case your plans have now been moved to Thursday, but your flaky friend thinks they’re busy that day so they’ll text you on Wednesday telling you for sure if they can do it or not, but then all of a sudden it’s Sunday and you haven’t seen or heard from them and what the hell is their problem?!

4. Your crush

Your crush’s job is to drive you insane through text messages. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually prompt and text you the things you need to hear to make it through the day, they will never be good enough at texting. They’ve been sent here by the evil gods of technology to make you crazy and question everything you once knew. One day you’re happy and living your life crush free and the next you’re controlled by the noise on your phone that alerts you if you have a new message. “I would do anything to hear that noise right now!”

5. Your ex

Newsflash: Your ex hates you and wants you to stop sending him drunk texts saying “im drunk and i think i still love you bye.” They’re in bed sober when you send this and they’re looking at it being like, “No. No. No.” and they don’t text you back because why would they? Meanwhile, you’re left just sitting at that bodega ordering your chicken parmesan sandwich in a complete shame spiral because you know you shouldn’t have sent him that message. You’ll always get text silence from your ex and it will be the kind of silence that is deafening. It will make your eardrums bleed by its howling screams of “Don’t talk to me!” Moments like this one will make you really consider drowning your phone in your chicken parm and calling it a day. TC mark

image – Joi

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • PUBLICPERV

    chiki chiki parm parm, actually

  • http://www.kaltechsolutions.com website development

    he he he…even my mom don't know how to text!

  • Ke$ha

    My mom always sends me messages to ask me stuff, I answer and then she always responds drily: “okay”.  Mom, I know you got my message and that's money you're wasting, like 12 eurocent!

  • imbored

    so then why do we still text our exes, even thought we know EXACTLY what is going to happen

    • eceismen

      Because we BEG inside for the chance to be proven wrong.

  • Katgeorge

    LOL Texts from my mom. I once watched my mom sending a text. It took her almost 10 minutes and when I asked her what she had written her response was 'OK'. That's not a joke or an exaggeration.

  • Katgeorge

    Also I know 'someone' who had a drug dealer who sent weekly updates. At Christmas he wrote a poem 'well the weather outside is frightful, but my prices are delightful, so if you're looking for a white christmas let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!'

  • Lax

    Hahaha the description of the texting mom is so perfect. Sometimes, my mom will even call my dad, and he'll send me the “CallMom” text. It's too funny.

  • Amy Lou

    Yesterday, I got a text from my dad that said “No ganje.” True story. He's also very keen on sending messages that deal out life lessons in one sentence or reminders, like check the oil in the car or clean out the dust trap.

  • Amanda

    “im drunk and i think i still love you bye.” holy shit, I lol'd my life away at this. “im drunk and i think i still love you bye.” holy shit, I lol'd my life away at this.

    • What

      Obviously had to post it twice…

  • ms. howard

    Holy god, #4.  That is happening to me at this very moment.

    Also, I got this one from my dad:  We    can      do.      It.
    and it took him 16 minutes.

  • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

    You hit the money with “The Crush.” It's like crack and I need it but if he starts another text with that goddamn inane “haha” shit again (“haha finish your work” “haha (:” “haha ok”)…

    But maybe he really does think I'm funny? #CarrieBradshawDeep

  • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

    whenever my mum wanna know who is fetching me back home from class,
    she texts ” who f you ”

  • alexrax

    My dad ends every text with exclamation marks – “Ok on my way!” or “Your package arrived!!” or “Not sure what we're having for dinner, you decide!!!”

  • Homegirl

    When I called her up though, she was just like, “Oh, there’s nothing
    going on. Just wanted to chat!” I nearly had a heart attack. I know it
    took her 30 minutes to text “CallMom” so I assumed it was serious. Alas,
    homegirl just wanted to shoot the breeze with her baby boy.

    tautological,yo!

  • Bllar88

    If you crush is also your flaky friend, just save yourself the torture and delete them not only from your phone, but your life.

  • Alex Llapitan

    Looks like whenparentstext.com has ya beat! Great post as always!

  • Peter Lu

    prob is w/ crush texting, most of us just don’t know how to text effectively. here’s a primer:

    http://www.peterjlu.com/2011/07/how-i-text-like-absolute-baller-kind-of.html

  • Cdriscoll

    My ex used to work in produce. One night he showed me a text from his mom once that said, “Billy *4”. About ten minutes later, he received another text from her saying “Watermelon”. She wanted him to bring home a watermelon before he punched out. I love his mom but I thought it was the funniest shit I’d seen.

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