Dear Gay Dude: Why Do Gays Want To Get Married So Bad?

Dear Gay Dude,

I’m a 35-year-old straight man who’s been married for eight years. While I’m an advocator for gay rights, I don’t understand why y’all wanna get hitched so bad. Marriage can often ruin a relationship. I know it’s certainly put a dent in mine. You should be thankful that you have the luxury of being in a long-term monogamous relationship without all of the bullshit. Do you even know how much it costs to get divorced?!

-Don’t Get Married

Dear Don’t Get Married,

I’m obsessed with you and this question. It’s so dumb and yet so real. I feel obligated to answer.

Ok so I can’t speak for all the gays in the world, but gay marriage for me is all about the principle. Why don’t I have the right to enter a loveless marriage like you did? Plus, if my partner dropped dead one day after we had been together for twenty years, why shouldn’t I be protected and entitled to some of his estate? Why can’t I get his benefits? Marriage is all about the ~bEneFitS~, right? “I love you. Now give me your health coverage!”

Gay men want to get married because we want to have a big stupid wedding like all you straight people do. Sure, you could argue that we could do it via a commitment ceremony but no thanks! Can you blame us? In our wedding-obsessesed culture, we have movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Muriel’s Wedding, Bridesmaids, Rachel Getting Married (super depressing movie but fantastic ceremony!), and Bride Wars all telling us to get married. The big M. It’s not called Rachel Getting A Commitment Ceremony or My Big Fat Civil Union.  Maybe if our culture would stop giving weddings so many BJ’s, we wouldn’t care as much. Until then, we just want to have our wedding cake and eat it too.

Gay men want to get married so we can call each other “husband” and have it be real. We want to go on dates with other married couples and talk about married life. We want to be a part of the club. You can understand that, can’t you? Life is just a series of clubs people would like to become members of. Don’t fault us for wanting to participate in something that we’ve been instructed to do since birth.

Gay men want to get married so we can fall out of love with each other and have a sordid affair! We want to wear trench coats to hidden meetings in fancy hotels with someone who will make us feel alive again. Desired, wanted. Keeping secrets from someone whom you’re legally bound to also just sounds so daring and cool. Gimme gimme commitment and gimme gimme betrayal.

Do you see what I’m getting at? Marriage is such a flawed institution. Denying us admission to the shitshow on grounds that it’s “sacred” is just completely bogus. So come on. Just let us in. I bet you our divorces will be better than your divorces! TC mark


Gay Dude TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Kyle Angeletti

    We love gay marriage in Canada.

    • Canadanon

      The homophobe we just elected to a majority conservative government would beg to differ!

  • Kaleb

    OMG! This was the PERFECT Gay Man response. I seriously could not have said it better myself. :)

  • Nancy Malig

    “Life is just a series of clubs people would like to become members of.”

    F'n brilliant.

  • Sharif Youssef

    Gay men want to get married because when Absolut Vodka and the Gay Human Rights Fund took over the queer movement at the 25th anniversary of Stonewall, we all sold out.

    • alia

      Came here to say the very same.

  • padface

    Also HELLO, wedding lists were made for gays. Duh.

  • HiredGoons


  • yosoyrichie

    i'm gay and personally it's not just about getting married. i mean if i'm going to get married i wanted it to last like all those disney princesses do. it's all or nothing for me. but i want to have that option to do get married and be recognized not just by our neighbors and family, but by the whole society. i guess it's still about acceptance. i know that most of society has accepted us and all, but we don't want to be treated like some new species or alien life form which needs some special societal deliberation for acknowledgment. we are your neighbors and your family and it would be really nice if the heterosexual world would treat and respect us like that.

  • Francois

    A gay divorce. When gay marriage is legalised they need to broadcast that shit on TV.

    • LC

      I have a gay friend who was married to his boyfriend a few years ago and have subsequently divorced. It is just as shitty as every other divorce.

  • Drew DeMartinis

    Aw Ryan, not my favorite post. But they're your thoughts and I can't hate you for it.

    I think the main reason gay men want to get married is, as you've said, because of society. But it's society's importance they place on the word “husband” or “spouse.” Without marriage, most people don't take the relationship seriously. Say I was in a long-term monogamous relationship (which I am) and we had a serious problem and were maybe flirting with the idea of separating (you know how gay men love to flirt). Most people in society would not make such a big deal out of it because “it's not like you're married.” So what if I'm not “married,” I am still dealing with breaking up a really serious commitment that wasn't “solidified” with a marriage and a signed piece of paper.

    NOT TO MENTION! Do you realize how hard it is for a gay man to find the jelly to his peanut butter?! Especially in Los Angeles, it's a literal nightmare. I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, why can't I be able to celebrate that and share it with the world. I mean, that's what marriage is all about, right? So you can brag to all the single people or gloat with the engaged/married people you come into contact with. That's true love.

  • Greg Petliski

    It is mainly about acceptance and fairness. Civil union = “separate but equal.”

  • Logan23

    Ryan, you did a great job of diffusing a contentious and ridiculous question with humor.

    To put it simply, the reason why gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgendered people should be allowed to get married, is that there aren't two classes of citizens in this country. We are all afforded the same rights under the constitution and as such a classifications/marginizalitons/prejudice shouldn't be reasons to justify limiting access to those rights.

  • ben Raifsnider, jr.

    also, wedding presents!

  • Brian McElmurry

    This was well done!

  • dip

    I would watch a movie called “My Big Fat Civil Union”

  • Heydavemaine

    Because we DESERVE RESPECT–for our relationships, for our equality, and for our personhood.

  • brandypass

    How did I miss “Dear Gay Dude” before?

  • Birdie

    I'm so sick and tired of everything that's addressed to gays, bypasses the women and goes right the the males.  Gay statistics = men on men.  Could you imagine if we took straight statistics and discluded the females?  Oh wait!  It would look nearly identical to the male vs male statistics.

    So men, perhaps the issue isn't that gay men are worse, it's that women are making your straight statistics look better.

  • Live2run

    But it isn’t natural. If everyone were gay, the human race would die out since same sex couples can’t reproduce.

    • Feliciaweisbrod1219

       it natural for a man and a women to fall in love but i dont understand y its not for  gays and lesbians to be in love… if i wanna be different i can be and i dont care wat people think of me if im in love with the same gender as me… i love the way that im

  • Hugar35

    I’m ok with gay couples being recognized by the government as a union of some sort, call it what you want, but not marriage.  I’m getting really annoyed with this whole ‘movement’.  I have no problem with people’s choices but to try to FORCE everyone else to pat you on the back because you chose to go a ‘different’ way seems childish.   It doesn’t matter how much you rationalize it, homosexuality IS to be different.  So why insist on making society make you feel better about something you choose to be.  

    • JBurrow1223

      Sorry to burst your bubble but you don’t choose to be gay, bi or lesbian your born with it, I went through years going into major denial that I was gay I only recently came to turns with it but did I choose that I want to be different, go through loads  of bullying just to say I think I may be Gay today it’s complete rubbish, I would in full honesty love to be straight but I’m not and never will be and I have come to turns with my sexuality.

      • Cwhzup13

        To Hugar85, I don’t care how gay couples are recognized by the government.  Just because a government issues a piece of paper acknowledging a marriage doesn’t make it valid in the eyes of God.  Personally, in a government that claims separation of church and state, I don’t think the government should be involved in the sacred institution of marriage.  It is an institution with purely sacred origins, and was never meant to be controlled by the government.

        To JBurrow 1223, the evidence that homosexuality is genetic is sorely lacking.  Indeed there are some studies that have been spun that way but those studies are about as pathetic as the study that came out claiming that “pork” is one of the healthiest foods you can eat.  I do not oppose gays having equal rights as heterosexuals but stick to the facts.  Gay people had tendencies that they CHOSE to act upon by entering into homosexual relationships, the same as a thief had a tendency to steal that they CHOSE to act upon.  

  • Jeremyirish16

    So basically homosexuals only want… a piece of paper because they’re involved in something immoral already and don’t respect marriage at all. Haha, is the divorce rate higher than ever?… yes. Do celebrities have anything to do with this?… yes. The reason is people can’t accept their “boring” and normal lives so they they run to see what some actor or actress is doing and reality tv to watch other people’s “not so boring” lives. If you filmed anyone 24/7 you would understand the reason it’s all hyped up is simply because they’re only filming the couple minutes of exciting things a day. Homosexuality is simply immoral and unnatural; however I do accept you as people and show not hate towards you. This does not make it acceptable to teach society and our children that   it is okay though. Be a homosexual on your own time and stop trying to be drama queens and stand upon a mountain shouting that you’re gay so everyone will hear you. It is selfish and it is childish and to think anyone will accept your immoralities any different because of a marriage you don’t even believe has any importance but health coverage and being able to divorce, is very ignorant. There is simply not justifiable reason to involve the law and make gay marriage legal. Sorry your dad wasn’t there or the girl you had a crush on rejected you so you couldn’t deal with, but being gay is a choice whether you choose to believe it or not. 

  • Nerdlover

    It’s just sad that marriage is not what it is ‘supposed’ to be. Be the couple gay or straight, it doesn’t matter. The part about the sordid affair and shitty divorce makes me want to cry. I’m a straight 42 year old woman married for 13 years to my first and only boyfriend. We have 2 beautiful young sons. We’re Catholic. I always believed marriage to be one of the most important sacraments.
    Then I had an affair for 3 years with a sociopath. What I have discovered about MYSELF is more frightening and heart wrenching than anything else that other people do when it comes to the subject of marriage, commitment, ideals and values.
    All the things I once thought do not apply. I’m now formally initiated into the real world (it sucks).
    My husband and I worked things out, thank God. But I think I can actually understand why gay people want to get married now, at least more than before. Life is a huge battle, inward and outward. Let everyone participate, am I right?
    Why deny anyone the opportunity to learn and grow, whether from mistakes or otherwise?

    Oh, and I really don’t care WHY someone is gay or straight or bi or asexual. Just follow the golden rule and the world would be a much better place. I learned that the hard way.

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