Christian Teens Are Weird

Christians have done a lot of screwed up things in the past (creating Forever 21 and Jessica Simpson to name a few) but they’ve really outdone themselves with this trailer for a new “Christian comedy” called The Waiting Game—a story about one man’s (apparently hilarious) struggle to wait till marriage. I never knew abstinence could be so funny (Spoiler: It’s not) but you learn something new every day, right? Right…

While watching this trailer, I started to experience acid flashbacks of my high school, which was a place entirely populated by queers, gamers, and Jesus freaks. During my first week as a freshman, I unknowingly befriended a Bible thumper and was lured to In-N-Out under the pretense of getting to know each other. Within moments of my arrival, I realized I had entered a trap when I saw a copy of the Bible sitting next to a plate of sinful animal fries. He tried to talk to me about God and girls but since I clearly had no interest in pursuing either, I had to bid him adieu. When I would later see him around the hallways, he would usually be wearing a shirt that said “Come ask me about my friend” which I later found out was Jesus Christ. It was the official mascot for the Bible Club and members would don these shirts in hopes of sparking up conversations with non-believers. Someone would come up to them and just be like, “OMG, who’s your friend? Sarah Fry? I hate that bitch!” and the Christians would respond, “No. It’s a man named Jesus.”

The whole Christian culture in high school was captured brilliantly in the movie Saved!. Besides exploring the absolute power they had over their schools, it also noted their bizarre obsession with using ebonics. The “Jesus is my homeboy” shirt from Urban Outfitters was worn by almost everybody in my high school and in pep rallies, we would always be subjected to horrible raps from the Bible Club president. I never understood why. I honestly would’ve respected them more if they had just performed songs by Amy Grant or P.O.D. TC mark

image – Saved!

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana Z.

    Thank you for reminding me about Saved! I will have to re-watch it tonight.

    • SisterRay

      I enjoyed the scene of the girl who loves Christian music and yells about needing Jesus to teach you how to drive or something, because that is a pretty accurate depiction of the kind of people I imagine seeing and making this movie. I did identify with him eating the melting ice cream out of the box on the floor, though.

      • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

        my brother and i enjoy driving down the south carolina streets, screaming 'jesus take the wheel' and flinging our hands recklessly away from the steering wheel as though it is infested with, like, satan.

    • SisterRay

      ps that was not really meant to be a reply but ALSO Saved is a fantastic, fantastic movie.

  • Raechel

    this is why the thought catalog is my favorite site.

  • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

    Shoutouts to mah boi Ted Haggard up in this vid. He knows all about 'saving yourself'.

    • Javier Pickle

      That cameo was so bizarre, but strangely awesome.

  • http://profiles.google.com/jasmine.nicodemus Jasmine Nicodemus

    Saved! was one of my favorite movies in college (in the ironic sense).  I used it to teach my Jewish roommate about the people I grew up around.

    • Guy

      I was one my favorite movies in college too! (in the serious sense)

      • Josephine

        It*

    • leezer

      If you have to qualify your love for a (really good) movie as ironic, it's probably as un-ironic a love as you can get.

  • guest

    I was on the Teens for Christ prayer list

  • Brononymous

    “When I would later see him around the hallways, he would usually be wearing a shirt that said “Come ask me about my friend” which I later found out was Jesus Christ.”
    Brilliant.

    • Customconcern

      Those words were in the article, yup.

      • bappada boopy

        and they made me LOL ^.^ <

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    isnt that that preacher/evangelist who was so anti gay but gets caught doing crystal meth with a tranny?! fuckin weirdos man. its on Bill Maher's Riligulous

    • leezer

      Yeah man, his name is Ted, and he's in Jesus Camp as well. He also has dead eyes.

  • kikou

    'Abstinence never felt so good.' lol.

  • lln32rty
  • DARKSTAR

    If the movie is anything like the trailer, this will be my all-time favorite movie.  Unfortunately, movies never live up to the excellent editing jobs in trailers.  :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Josh-Murchie/647947393 Josh Murchie

    “Abstinence never felt so good”, that's why I'll be abstaining from watching the movie.

  • http://sixmetamorphoses.blogspot.com jordan

    All the Jesus crap I had to put with as a (pseudo) Christian teenager was made up for by all the homoerotic fun I had at church camp!

  • Dan

    Ichabod.

  • bbrbv
  • http://ethecofem.com Bema

    So I guess what I want to know is: did you ever get it on with that bible-thumper?

    • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

      It's short, alarmingly passionate, then followed by rage and crying.

  • Teukros

    Next up: Gay Teens Are Weird.  Can't wait.

  • SewingSchatzi

    “Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole.”
    I bought that bumper sticker immediately watching Saved! In 9th grade. I got detention for putting it on my backpack.

  • Emily

    Interesting. I think if the title had been 'Muslim Teens Are Weird' there may have been a different response..

    • Zacharygerman

      seems so bad. fuck you

  • mike_digs

    wait – did you eat the animal fries or not?

  • lbln30rty
  • leezer

    Ryan. How long have you been a writer? NO PASSIVE VOICE.

    • leezer

      Oh, also, fuck you. That movie looks SICK. I fuckin love Rob Riggle, man.

  • uybn4
  • Fox

    I was recently talking to my brother-in-law about the military (I'm enlisting), and he happened to be an sergeant, devoted ten years of his life to out Army, and served several tours in Iraq. He told me that fellow soldiers give each other shit in the military (you know, friendly jabs and shit), and he told me that the thing he got called on the most was being a virgin until he got married  (to my sister) at 28. He just accepted it and eventually (probably the same day) no one gave a shit. You see, its not as if getting laid makes you some miraculously cool person or more of an adult. If thats why you have sex, then you clearly don't get the picture. I'm not saying that I condone the fashion in which Jesus Freaks shove it in peoples faces, but there are plenty of normal, brave, and awesome people in this world who would rather share the sexual bond with a single partner and they shouldn't have to deal with the anxiety of being harassed. You know, like normal life pre-1960's and most contemporary  STD's.

  • williedeadwilder

    Saved! was a great reference; I went to a Catholic high school being from an agnostic family, which made Cassandra my all time idol.

  • rachel

    not all Christians are like that

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