Christian Teens Are Weird

Christians have done a lot of screwed up things in the past (creating Forever 21 and Jessica Simpson to name a few) but they’ve really outdone themselves with this trailer for a new “Christian comedy” called The Waiting Game—a story about one man’s (apparently hilarious) struggle to wait till marriage. I never knew abstinence could be so funny (Spoiler: It’s not) but you learn something new every day, right? Right…

While watching this trailer, I started to experience acid flashbacks of my high school, which was a place entirely populated by queers, gamers, and Jesus freaks. During my first week as a freshman, I unknowingly befriended a Bible thumper and was lured to In-N-Out under the pretense of getting to know each other. Within moments of my arrival, I realized I had entered a trap when I saw a copy of the Bible sitting next to a plate of sinful animal fries. He tried to talk to me about God and girls but since I clearly had no interest in pursuing either, I had to bid him adieu. When I would later see him around the hallways, he would usually be wearing a shirt that said “Come ask me about my friend” which I later found out was Jesus Christ. It was the official mascot for the Bible Club and members would don these shirts in hopes of sparking up conversations with non-believers. Someone would come up to them and just be like, “OMG, who’s your friend? Sarah Fry? I hate that bitch!” and the Christians would respond, “No. It’s a man named Jesus.”

The whole Christian culture in high school was captured brilliantly in the movie Saved!. Besides exploring the absolute power they had over their schools, it also noted their bizarre obsession with using ebonics. The “Jesus is my homeboy” shirt from Urban Outfitters was worn by almost everybody in my high school and in pep rallies, we would always be subjected to horrible raps from the Bible Club president. I never understood why. I honestly would’ve respected them more if they had just performed songs by Amy Grant or P.O.D. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Saved!

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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