After enduring an unusual 14-month pregnancy, Mariah Carey finally gave birth to her twins. The question that’s now on everyone’s minds is “what did the crazy bitch name them?” Given her proclivity for words like “rainbow”, “glitter”, and “honey”, we couldn’t help but wonder if she would end up naming them something like Sunshine Day, Incessantly, or Barrette. Our curiousity was satisfied, however, when their names were revealed to be Monroe and Moroccan. Yes, as in Morocco. Yes, as in her son’s name is a straight up adjective. We can only imagine how pissed Moroccan is to be named Moroccan so we decided to call up the newborn baby for an interview. (Note to Perez Hilton, this is a fake interview. As you may or may not know, newborn babies can’t talk).
Thought Catalog: Hi Moroccan. How’s life been treating you?
Moroccan Carey: Well, it has only been like five days, but it’s okay. I hate my name.
TC: I hear you. When did you realize Mariah Carey was your mom?
MC: I was hanging out in her belly when all of a sudden I heard this high-pitched scream. I was so startled and then it took me a few moments to realize it was just Mariah singing in that terrifying octave she can go to with her voice. I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? Mariah Carey is my mom?!”
TC: Were you excited?
MC: At first, yeah, because I knew I was going to be super rich. I mean, have you seen her MTV Cribs episode?!
TC: Um, yes. Have you? You were just born!
MC: Everyone has seen that episode, okay? It’s required viewing for life on Earth. It’s the first thing they show you when you’re in the womb! Anyway, I was really stoked on being coddled by an insane superstar for my entire life but then things got super annoying real fast.
TC: How so?
MC: Well for one thing, the bitch never sleeps! Trying to grab a nap in her belly was practically impossible. And she sings all the time. Stupid things like, “I’m go-goooo-goooing to get some te-te-teaaaaa!” I had to kick her hard in the stomach to get her to shut up.
TC: That’s so #dark.
MC: I know, right? And this is sort of top secret or whatever, but she watches Glitter at least two times a day. Can you imagine being subjected to that everyday for nine months?
TC: You poor thing! But speaking of glittery things, are you coming out of the closet soon?
MC: Are you kidding? My name is Moroccan and I’m Mariah Carey’s child. Her vagina is the last one I’ll ever see or spend time in. Everyone knows that so there’s no need for me to officially come out.
TC: Good point. So what’s Mariah like in her day-to day life?
MC: She’s a total freak on a leash. Her and my dad, Nick Cannon from Drumline, are just super weird together. They speak exclusively in baby talk and then speak to Monroe and I like we’re adults! Like, WTF? Does that make any sense? I need some goo goo ga ga, not Nick!
TC: What does she feed you?
MC: Homegirl does not understand the concept of baby food. She tried to feed me caviar yesterday, but I almost choked so now she just feeds me honey and the occasional butterfly.
MC: She also likes to talk to the walls and the grand piano. I think she might have a legit mental illness.
TC: Does she breast feed you?
MC: No, she makes Carson Daly do that.
MC: Yeah. OK TTYL. Momma Mariah is floating towards me.
TC: Bye Moroccan.
MC: Call me Joe.