A lot of people in this world don’t know how to dress. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to care about clothes. (Can you imagine how gross it would be if they did? We have enough bloodsucking fashion people in this world!) But what I find amusing and ironic is that the people who claim to have the biggest “PASSHUN 4 FAHUN” are, in reality, often the most awful dressers. They are the people who get dressed in a total Nylon magazine fugue, wandering aimlessly from accessory to accessory. When they regain consciousness, they discover that they’re wearing 8,000 bangles, two pashmina scarves and they have a bird that’s just sticking out of their hair. My first instinct is to blame Mischa Barton because everything is always Mischa’s fault. But then I realize that I’m being too harsh and that the root of this issue is much deeper than something Marisa Cooper could be responsible for.
If for some reason you decide you no longer want to put a decent outfit together, here are some tips on how to become a terrible dresser.
Having a job in fashion PR would be ideal. It allows you to be close to the fashion world that you so admire without actually being a part of it. It will also give you the delusion that you know fashion because you work in it. If you’re a girl, wear lots of maxi dresses with rhinestone-studded sandals. Go to the Marc Jacobs store that sells keychains to tourists and buy out the whole place. Carry ugly bags that say “MARC JACOBS” in big letters.”Do you like my bag? It’s Marc Jacobs…” When one of your friends is just like, “What? I don’t care!” start to feel really bad for them because they just don’t get it. They think Osh Kosh B’gosh is an important designer and they don’t even read Vogue!
Spend $600 on lounge wear at Lululemon Athletica and think your yoga pants are couture. Say things like “Everyone in this world needs a Roberto Cavalli moment” and “I feel sorry for people who don’t know how to dress.” Speak Rachel Zoe and think you “get” style by watching her show. Don’t even get you started on Lauren Conrad. So casual chic.
Your daily looks are the following: I’m Writing My Suicide Note In Boca, Where Downtown Meets Midtown Meltdown, I’m Going Out With Paul The Banker Tonight And I’m Going To Let Him Put It Anywhere, Cocktails With My Gurls, Audrey Hepburn CLASSIC CHIC, Why Won’t He Call Me Back?, This Is Me Being Serious Right Now, Edgy, More Edgy, Just A Little Bit of Edgy, How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days Is My Favorite Movie and last but not least: The Pregnancy Test Came Back Negative! If you don’t know what the hell these looks are, congratulations. You either don’t give a shit about fashion or actually know how to dress.
If you’re a Fashion Gay, you probably fall into two categories. 1. You’re starving and you wear all black and Rick Owens and Balenciaga. Your look basically says “I’m going to eat your soul instead of a hamburger because it’s less calories!!!” 2. You have terrifying style even though fashion is your life and you wear embroidered jeans, flip flops, pink polo shirts and Dior sunglasses. As a subculture, being a Fashion Gay can get pretty #dark. However, it’s always better to be more Balenciaga than Jeans for Humanity and Religion and Spirituality and Mankind or whatever.
Your fashion motto is “Less is not more! More is MOAR is NOT ENOUGH.” Wear long necklaces with lots of bracelets and make up and rings and hoop earrings. Top it off with a fedora and still feel like your outfit is incomplete. Combine every trend possible in one single outfit. Look like a circus freak and walk out the door thinking “This outfit is so downtown edgy and fashion forward. I love clothes so much!”