A Guide To Having Terrible Style

A lot of people in this world don’t know how to dress. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to care about clothes. (Can you imagine how gross it would be if they did? We have enough bloodsucking fashion people in this world!) But what I find amusing and ironic is that the people who claim to have the biggest “PASSHUN 4 FAHUN” are, in reality, often the most awful dressers. They are the people who get dressed in a total Nylon magazine fugue, wandering aimlessly from accessory to accessory. When they regain consciousness, they discover that they’re wearing 8,000 bangles, two pashmina scarves and they have a bird that’s just sticking out of their hair. My first instinct is to blame Mischa Barton because everything is always Mischa’s fault. But then I realize that I’m being too harsh and that the root of this issue is much deeper than something Marisa Cooper could be responsible for.

If for some reason you decide you no longer want to put a decent outfit together, here are some tips on how to become a terrible dresser.

Having a job in fashion PR would be ideal. It allows you to be close to the fashion world that you so admire without actually being a part of it. It will also give you the delusion that you know fashion because you work in it. If you’re a girl, wear lots of maxi dresses with rhinestone-studded sandals. Go to the Marc Jacobs store that sells keychains to tourists and buy out the whole place. Carry ugly bags that say “MARC JACOBS” in big letters.”Do you like my bag? It’s Marc Jacobs…” When one of your friends is just like, “What? I don’t care!” start to feel really bad for them because they just don’t get it. They think Osh Kosh B’gosh is an important designer and they don’t even read Vogue!

Spend $600 on lounge wear at Lululemon Athletica and think your yoga pants are couture. Say things like “Everyone in this world needs a Roberto Cavalli moment” and “I feel sorry for people who don’t know how to dress.” Speak Rachel Zoe and think you “get” style by watching her show. Don’t even get you started on Lauren Conrad. So casual chic.

Your daily looks are the following: I’m Writing My Suicide Note In Boca, Where Downtown Meets Midtown Meltdown, I’m Going Out With Paul The Banker Tonight And I’m Going To Let Him Put It Anywhere, Cocktails With My Gurls,  Audrey Hepburn CLASSIC CHIC, Why Won’t He Call Me Back?, This Is Me Being Serious Right Now, Edgy, More Edgy, Just A Little Bit of Edgy, How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days Is My Favorite Movie and last but not least: The Pregnancy Test Came Back Negative! If you don’t know what the hell these looks are, congratulations. You either don’t give a shit about fashion or actually know how to dress.

If you’re a Fashion Gay, you probably fall into two categories. 1. You’re starving and you wear all black and Rick Owens and Balenciaga. Your look basically says “I’m going to eat your soul instead of a hamburger because it’s less calories!!!” 2. You have terrifying style even though fashion is your life and you wear embroidered jeans, flip flops, pink polo shirts and Dior sunglasses. As a subculture, being a Fashion Gay can get pretty #dark. However, it’s always better to be more Balenciaga than Jeans for Humanity and Religion and Spirituality and Mankind or whatever.

Your fashion motto is “Less is not more! More is MOAR is NOT ENOUGH.” Wear long necklaces with lots of bracelets and make up and rings and hoop earrings. Top it off with a fedora and still feel like your outfit is incomplete. Combine every trend possible in one single outfit. Look like a circus freak and walk out the door thinking “This outfit is so downtown edgy and fashion forward. I love clothes so much!” TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ZWG6LBXILDZ6RYNFHBEGRZDWRA Lola Andrews

    That's not how you spell 'FASHUN' or Rick Owens, Ryan :-). After the Alaïa debacle, I figured you'd pay closer attention to your fashion glossary!
    LUV
    a fashin persun

  • valentine_kitchenson

    “Jeans for Humanity and Religion and Spirituality and Mankind or whatever. “
    Oh my God, I just snorted and spit a little of my Coke. Hilarious.

    • http://twitter.com/kelvin_lee Kelvin Lee

      Don't waste it!

  • Luke

    You're right it's not Marissa we should blame, it's her haute mother Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts-Atwood

    • inflammatorywrit

      Luke, you're just jealous because you're basically the only man on the OC that Julie slept with, but didn't marry.

      But seriously. I'm just now watching the fourth season. Do Julie and Ryan's dad actually get together?

      • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

        Julie ends up with Seth

      • http://twitter.com/suntwee MarieSaSamba

        and Summer ends up with  Sandy and Sandy's eyebrows

  • Greg

    or seriously follow tips from overpriced fashun boutiques that co-opt urban style like so:

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/armani

    yes….”festival chic”…..fashun lulz

  • http://twitter.com/suntwee MarieSaSamba

    This piece would've been better had you included actual pictures. I  am especially interested in seeing what “Where Downtown Meets Midtown Meltdown” looks like.

  • Dopelickit

    i'm obsessed with ryan o'connell but this article sucks… it's totally written from the point of view of someone who's clearly NOT on the inside…

    • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

      Ryan is so inside he has to make it seem like he isn't, you've been dooped.

  • guest

    I don't know what any of this means.

  • http://puertoricodigest.wordpress.com Chris

    ” I’m Going Out With Paul The Banker Tonight And I’m Going To Let Him Put It Anywhere” Hahahahahahaha!!! I laughed SO hard! I LOOOVE you ryan o'connell! <3 I definitely have to meet you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Yay!

  • Marcus

    “You’re starving and you wear all black and Rick Owens and Balenciaga. Your look basically says “I’m going to eat your soul instead of a hamburger because it’s less calories!!!”” 
    – Oh Ryan, you actually just described my ex-boyfriend more succinctly and accurately than I ever could.

  • Miranda

    Would be better with illustrations.

    • Guest

      Dear God, if you live in New York just take a swing by the Fashion Institute of Technology. Freaks on leashes.

  • Jordan

    How To Have Terrible Style…

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    You've listed a bunch of stuff I try to avoid.  With the exception of Rick Owens.   But I'm not a guy, so that gives me a pass I think.

  • Brienscott

    as i am what u describe, i'll just say that i love how perfectly homogenic u are.  i dont duplicate word for word what i see in magazines. i take what amuses me and build an idea of what i want it to look like. ART.
    i will agree that some fashion types are mean-spirited bitter peeps.  i find it fun. we all wake up in the morning and decide what to put on. even if ur look like u dont care, that is a look.  its a matter of choices, u like blue squares, i like violet-striped ones with glitter. no better no worse.
    u make it appear here as if it were worse to think about what you put on, rather then purchase something at a chain store that's been a mapped out idea. muahs

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      I think you missed the mark.

    • faith

      “even if ur look like u dont care, that is a look.”
      lolwhat.

  • http://twitter.com/spencerhcain spencer cain

    you're slipping, FAST

  • anisa

    SPOT ON!! thanks for the laughs

  • beatricekt

    Hilarity at it's finest

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