Remember a time in which The Real World casted average-looking people who were intelligent and had unique issues to face? Remember Real World: Seattle when Stephen—the closeted homosexual—slapped Irene in the face even though she had Lyme disease? Remember when cast members never dated each other and were just friends? In the first episode, they weren’t immediately like, “I’m gonna hook up with him and him and maybe him if I’m drunk!”
Sigh. I do. Watching a show that once was the leader of the reality show pack devolve into a horny teenager who wears Hollister has been difficult. Where did cast members like Melissa from New Orleans or Sarah from Miami go? And why were they replaced with people like Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas? Now in its 60th season, the show has become a bizarre parody of itself. The producers cast the same unremarkable people every season. No one leaves an impression. They just drink, have sex with each other, and make confused expressions for three months. And then out they go into the real real world. They’ll put the experience on their resumes when they apply to a job at Bath & Body Works. They’ll pray for a spot on the Fresh Meat challenges so they can win some money and delay their life some more. Soon they’ll start to only hang out with ex-Real Worlders and together they’ll fancy themselves as being a part of an elite group. It’s them against everyone else! No one else could possibly understand the burden of reality show fame. Thank God they have each other….
So do you wanna be on The Real World still? I’m not judging. Hell, I auditioned last year. But if you have aspirations to be on the show and embarrass your family, end your relationships, and delete any hopes of having a real career, you should probably follow these tips.
1. Have a really unique name
The casting directors love a unique name. Something like Azul, Lemon, Ariyaka, or Providence should do just fine. Word to the wise though: Your name should be the only unique thing about you. It screams alternative free spirit who likes to eat twigs and berries in the forest, but the rest of you should be like a scoop of bland vanilla ice cream that’s melting in your hands on a 73 degree day.
2. Be an alcoholic
You need to drink. A lot. This is sort of a “no duh!” though. If you drink a ton of alcohol, you will act really stupid and do things that are great for the camera. You’ll smash glasses, reveal the fact that you’ve been raped, and then jump on top of your roommate to try to sleep with them. I’m pretty positive the producers keep the fridge stocked with an assortment of different liquors at all times so you needn’t worry about spending any money.
3. Don’t mind having sex on camera
Having a hard time breaking into porn? No worries! When you hook up with someone on The Real World, it will be creepily broadcasted for the whole world to see. Your body will be seen thrusting in night vision under the covers (like Paris Hilton was in her sex tape) and everyone will get to see what you’re like in the bedroom. Wasn’t it sad in the earlier seasons when they didn’t install cameras in the bedroom? So sad.
4. Have no real interests or hobbies
To get on The Real World, you should only enjoy the following activities: lying in bed, eating cereal, taking showers, lying in bed some more, moving to the couch to lay down, moving back to your bed to talk in hushed tones to your roommate, talking on the phone, styling your hair, and sulking. With no cell phones, texting, television or music, this is all you’re able to do anyway.
5. Use big words like “predicament” and “predicament”
If you want to earn a coveted spot on The Real World, you have to step up your vocabulary game. Use words like reciprocation in a casual sentence. I know. It sounds totally impossible, but you can do it! Next, try saying the following sentence, “Providence and Azul have gotten themselves in a predicament with their flirtation.”
6. Be gay
As you already know, The Real World allows one gay person on per season so this could be your chance! But by agreeing to participate in the show, you acknowledge that you’ll have to be celibate the entire season and be denied any kind of identity other than The Gay Guy Who Isn’t Allowed To Hook-up Because America Isn’t Ready For It. Otherwise known as: Will & Grace Syndrome.
7. Be extremely sheltered and ignorant
The Real World loves Mormons, Christians, or just good old-fashioned idiots. To be the good girl in the house, you should say things like, “I want to be a good girl, but I also want to be bad.” The show loves black and white morality! Talk incessantly about the internal struggle you have to be a party girl and be innocent. It’s just so…fascinating.
8. Have something terribly traumatic happen to you
The Real World loves drug addiction, domestic violence, horrible childhoods, and poverty.
9. Hate women
Do you treat women like they’re whores? Would you probably beat them up if there weren’t cameras around? Come on down! You’re perfect. Considering that most of the girls featured on the show have been abused by their boyfriends and generally believe they’re pieces of garbage, putting an abusive chauvinist in the house will create just the right amount of tension we need! Gosh, I love my job!
10. Have no sense of style
Wear flip flops, generic party dresses, True Religion ripped jeans with embroidery, hoodies, and plain t-shirts.