To dress like an Olsen twin, you first need three things:
- More money than God. Every time you exhale, you make $20,000 dollars. That two minute walk you make to the bodega every morning for an iced coffee? You earn roughly $30,000. If you weren’t a successful child star/”mogul,” you can just have a great-grandfather who invented the bagel or something.
- A potential addiction to drugs. If you really want to dress like an Olsen, you have to be sort of high all the time. When you pick out your outfit for the morning, take a hit from your bong or do a line of coke and say to yourself, “Let’s get koooookkkkyyy!” Sometimes I look at an outfit Mary-Kate is wearing and just say “She may be wearing Balenciaga but she’s also wearing coke, ya know what I mean?” Or I look at Ashley and say “Weed helped her get dressed this morning. Weed is her Rachel Zoe.” Look, drugs will give you the courage to dress like an insane chic freak. Without them, you might just be like, “I look too weird in this $5,000 trashbag. I’m not going outside.”
- Endless reference points to past collections and movies, TV, and music. This knowledge of pop culture and fashion will inspire your looks and become your personal mood board. For example: “Today I want to dress like Parker Posey in Party Girl when she’s eating a falafel with like a splash of renaissance.” None of these looks will make sense to anyone but it won’t matter. They make sense to you.
Now that we have those three crucial ingredients, let’s get down to business. In order to dress like an Olsen, you have to want to destroy everything that’s beautiful and expensive so it can look distressed and edgy. Buy a Birkin and have your driver run over it ten times with your Range Rover, curse at it, spit on it and punch someone in the face with it. After the trauma, your Birkin should look like something you got at a flea market. Chiiiiiic. Have important designers send you gowns and then cut them up when you’re in a coked out rage. “This one of a kind Alia gown is fucking gorgeous but it would look even more gorgeous with a hole over the crotch!” Treat couture as if it’s Coach. Why? Because clothes are just clothes, okay? It’s all the same to you.
If you’re tall, you’re going to need to take reverse growth supplements so you can become slightly under five feet. It’s important to be starving and short so it appears that you’re swimming in clothes. Not wearing them, swimming in them. See the distinction? You want to look like a keebler elf who has lost their way to Barneys at all times.
Have the following looks/outfits ready at all times: Dubai Diva, Hanging Out In My Drug Dealer’s Apartment In The East Village And Feeling Weird About It, I’m Skinnier Than My Sister, I Hate You But I Love Me: The Hamptons Edition, I Hate My Maid, I’m Eating Lunch Uptown And Making My Best Friend Feel Fat, Stop Texting Me, No Seriously Stop Texting Me, I’m A Scorpio, I Have A Perfume Line, and Help! I’m In a K-Hole With Pauly Shore. If you don’t immediately get what I’m talking about and are able to conjure up looks, you’re not dressing or thinking like an Olsen.
Don’t be afraid to look crazy. Remember that tiny people can get away with murder because, oh my god, they’re just so small and creepy and cute! Take solace in knowing that you can fit in most overhead storage containers. Go to The Container Store in the middle of the day and play hide and seek. Peek a boo!
Always know you can do whatever the hell you want because you’re rich, have amazing clothes and can subsist on one Funion a day. That, my friend, is FASHUN.