A Guide To Dressing Like An Olsen Twin

To dress like an Olsen twin, you first need three things:

  1. More money than God. Every time you exhale, you make $20,000 dollars. That two minute walk you make to the bodega every morning for an iced coffee? You earn roughly $30,000. If you weren’t a successful child star/”mogul,” you can just have a great-grandfather who invented the bagel or something.
  2. A potential addiction to drugs. If you really want to dress like an Olsen, you have to be sort of high all the time. When you pick out your outfit for the morning, take a hit from your bong or do a line of coke and say to yourself, “Let’s get koooookkkkyyy!” Sometimes I look at an outfit Mary-Kate is wearing and just say “She may be wearing Balenciaga but she’s also wearing coke, ya know what I mean?” Or I look at Ashley and say “Weed helped her get dressed this morning. Weed is her Rachel Zoe.” Look, drugs will give you the courage to dress like an insane chic freak. Without them, you might just be like, “I look too weird in this $5,000 trashbag. I’m not going outside.”
  3. Endless reference points to past collections and movies, TV, and music. This knowledge of pop culture and fashion will inspire your looks and become your personal mood board. For example: “Today I want to dress like Parker Posey in Party Girl when she’s eating a falafel with like a splash of renaissance.” None of these looks will make sense to anyone but it won’t matter. They make sense to you.

Now that we have those three crucial ingredients, let’s get down to business. In order to dress like an Olsen, you have to want to destroy everything that’s beautiful and expensive so it can look distressed and edgy. Buy a Birkin and have your driver run over it ten times with your Range Rover, curse at it, spit on it and punch someone in the face with it. After the trauma, your Birkin should look like something you got at a flea market. Chiiiiiic. Have important designers send you gowns and then cut them up when you’re in a coked out rage. “This one of a kind Alia gown is fucking gorgeous but it would look even more gorgeous with a hole over the crotch!” Treat couture as if it’s Coach. Why? Because clothes are just clothes, okay? It’s all the same to you.

If you’re tall, you’re going to need to take reverse growth supplements so you can become slightly under five feet. It’s important to be starving and short so it appears that you’re swimming in clothes. Not wearing them, swimming in them. See the distinction? You want to look like a keebler elf who has lost their way to Barneys at all times.

Have the following looks/outfits ready at all times: Dubai Diva, Hanging Out In My Drug Dealer’s Apartment In The East Village And Feeling Weird About It, I’m Skinnier Than My Sister, I Hate You But I Love Me: The Hamptons Edition, I Hate My Maid, I’m Eating Lunch Uptown And Making My Best Friend Feel Fat, Stop Texting Me, No Seriously Stop Texting Me, I’m A Scorpio, I Have A Perfume Line, and Help! I’m In a K-Hole With Pauly Shore. If you don’t immediately get what I’m talking about and are able to conjure up looks, you’re not dressing or thinking like an Olsen.

Don’t be afraid to look crazy. Remember that tiny people can get away with murder because, oh my god, they’re just so small and creepy and cute! Take solace in knowing that you can fit in most overhead storage containers. Go to The Container Store in the middle of the day and play hide and seek. Peek a boo!

Always know you can do whatever the hell you want because you’re rich, have amazing clothes and can subsist on one Funion a day. That, my friend, is FASHUN. TC mark

image – David Shankbone

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • meaningless

    im 5'10'' and i dont know what to do

    • padface

      Be less tall.

    • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

      We're about the same height but I'm going to cut off my legs below the knee. Sucks to be you, Jolly Green!

  • http://twitter.com/andeenero Andee Nero

    Its spelled Alaia. With an umlaut over the i.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      fuccckkkk

      • ADV

        I mean, Alaïa is like a totally important designer. This post is fantastic!

  • Girlfran

    Is Ryan high today? This was good.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    hahahahaha

  • Asforteri

    Help! I’m In a K-Hole With Pauly Shore.

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    Hysterical.

  • Joy

    “Dubai Diva, Hanging Out In My Drug Dealer’s Apartment In The East Village And Feeling Weird About It, I’m Skinnier Than My Sister, I Hate You But I Love Me: The Hamptons Edition, I Hate My Maid, I’m Eating Lunch Uptown And Making My Best Friend Feel Fat, Stop Texting Me, No Seriously Stop Texting Me, I’m A Scorpio, I Have A Perfume Line, and Help! I’m In a K-Hole With Pauly Shore”

    ^^I feel like these can be all one outfit.Dubai Diva, Hanging Out In My Drug Dealer’s Apartment In The East Village And Feeling Weird About It, I’m Skinnier Than My Sister, I Hate You But I Love Me: The Hamptons Edition, I Hate My Maid, I’m Eating Lunch Uptown And Making My Best Friend Feel Fat, Stop Texting Me, No Seriously Stop Texting Me, I’m A Scorpio, I Have A Perfume Line, and Help! I’m In a K-Hole With Pauly Shore”^^I feel like these can be all one outfit.

  • Lust

    This is perfectly acceptable to do as a boy right?

    • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

      Equal opportunity self-hating disorders.

  • e.p.

    probs one of the greatest things i've read on here in a while.

  • http://twitter.com/spencerhcain spencer cain

    Gah, this would have been funny like two years ago but they've really legitimized themselves, especially since The Row has taken off. They don't dress insane now that we know there is a ton of substance and talent behind it.

    • Dan

      wtf they own the row?

      I liked this article, I lol'd quite a bit.

  • tz

    This: Don’t be afraid to look crazy. Remember that tiny people can get away with murder because, oh my god, they’re just so small and creepy and cute! Take solace in knowing that you can fit in most overhead storage containers. Go to The Container Store in the middle of the day and play hide and seek. Peek a boo!

  • Chels

    this is funny as shite, favorite ryan piece ev.

  • http://gravatar.com/shanebeasley shanebeasley

    the fact that i know the look that parker posey wore in the scene described above worries me.

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-to-have-a-good-sense-of-style/ How To Have A Good Sense Of Style | Thought Catalog

    […] you need to realize that the culture of fashion is mostly bullshit. They’re all just rude, 90-pound aliens wearing bat wings and parakeets in their hair, and passing it off as cool. You can’t trust a […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/11/how-to-have-a-good-sense-of-style/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] you need to realize that the culture of fashion is mostly bullshit. They’re all just rude, 90-pound aliens wearing bat wings and parakeets in their hair, and passing it off as cool. You can’t trust a […]

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on Becoming an Icon and commented:
    Comical article written about dressing like an Olsen Twin. Something I think everyone can do a little more of in life!

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