A Guide To Celebrating Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo is here! Which means what exactly? I’m not entirely sure. Hmm, good question. Gee, I’m coming up empty on this one. Oh wait, I got it! It means you’ll be very drunk tonight. And full of Mexican food. Yes, Mexico’s independence means you have an obligation to get wasted and eat burritos. Let’s sketch out your day then, shall we?

10:00 a.m.: Why are people wearing sombreros? Furthermore, why do I want to wear a sombrero?

12:00 p.m.: Holy hell, it’s Cinco De Mayo—my seventh favorite holiday! How could I have forgotten it? I’m texting my friends immediately, “Cinco De Mayo, bitches! Que pasa? Let’s rage! Ariba!” Was the “Ariba!” too much? I’m trying to simplify my text messages.

1:00 p.m.: Only one friend has responded so far and she said, “Isn’t today May 4th?”No, you fool! Cinco De Mayo means it’s May 5th. Right?

2:30 p.m.: I’ve been listening to so much Selena today to get in the mood. And Manu Chao too!

2:35 p.m.: Oops, Mau Chao isn’t entirely Mexican. Like at all. Whatever, I love Manu Chao!

3:00 p.m.: I just took a shot of tequila with Darcy, the girl who works in HR. I hate Darcy.

3:02 p.m.: I think I’m drunk.

3:03 p.m.: No, I’m not.

3:04 p.m.: Yes, I am.

3:05 p.m.: No, I’m not!

3:06 p.m.: Sigh, I guess I’m not.

3:30 p.m.: Darcy just asked me if I wanted to get margaritas with her after work. As if! Slash maybe because none of my friends have texted me back yet….

5:00 p.m.: Answered prayers! My friend Anastasia Diamond has responded and wants to hang out! She’s such a maniac. Last time we hung out, she got drunk, puked on my floor, and tried to sleep with my boyfriend. I love her so much. Truly feeling blessed right now.

6:00 p.m.: Off of work! Anastasia wants to meet at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place for food and drinks. That’s exactly what I wanted to do! Crazy.

6:30 p.m.: Um, Anastasia is already wasted. And she told me that I looked like a chic Kindergarten teacher. Is that even possible? I sort of want to cry.

7:00 p.m.: Dear God, these margaritas are strong. Viva Cinco De Mayo! There’s a Mariachi band here and everything. It’s so sad that my other friends decided not to celebrate this important cultural holiday.

7:30 p.m.: Anastasia just invited Jose, the barback, to come sit with us, and now she keeps sliding her foot up my dress underneath the table. Does she know it’s not Jose she’s feeling up?

7:45 p.m.: I think Anastasia’s foot just impregnated me. This is not how I planned to celebrate my seventh favorite holiday!

7:50 p.m. Anastasia just texted me from across the table, “I’m totally going to second base right now with Jose. hehe.” Oh my god.

8:15 p.m.: Update: I’m drunk and I hate you.

9:00 p.m.: I’m salsa dancing at a bar right now! This is crazy. I would NEVER do this. Behold the power of this magnificent holiday.

9:45 p.m.: Anastasia just threw up in my hair and called me a bitch. Ugh, she is just such a free spirit! Inspiring.

4:00 a.m: Sorry, I wanted to live in the moment for a sec and experience some things just for myself. I’m walking home right now. Cinco De Mayo was truly outrageous! I got drunk off of margaritas, went salsa dancing, and ate enchiladas in an authentic Mexican restaurant. It’s a bummer that I have to wait an entire year before I can experience any of those things again! TC mark

image – Cillian Storm

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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