A Guide To Celebrating Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo is here! Which means what exactly? I’m not entirely sure. Hmm, good question. Gee, I’m coming up empty on this one. Oh wait, I got it! It means you’ll be very drunk tonight. And full of Mexican food. Yes, Mexico’s independence means you have an obligation to get wasted and eat burritos. Let’s sketch out your day then, shall we?

10:00 a.m.: Why are people wearing sombreros? Furthermore, why do I want to wear a sombrero?

12:00 p.m.: Holy hell, it’s Cinco De Mayo—my seventh favorite holiday! How could I have forgotten it? I’m texting my friends immediately, “Cinco De Mayo, bitches! Que pasa? Let’s rage! Ariba!” Was the “Ariba!” too much? I’m trying to simplify my text messages.

1:00 p.m.: Only one friend has responded so far and she said, “Isn’t today May 4th?”No, you fool! Cinco De Mayo means it’s May 5th. Right?

2:30 p.m.: I’ve been listening to so much Selena today to get in the mood. And Manu Chao too!

2:35 p.m.: Oops, Mau Chao isn’t entirely Mexican. Like at all. Whatever, I love Manu Chao!

3:00 p.m.: I just took a shot of tequila with Darcy, the girl who works in HR. I hate Darcy.

3:02 p.m.: I think I’m drunk.

3:03 p.m.: No, I’m not.

3:04 p.m.: Yes, I am.

3:05 p.m.: No, I’m not!

3:06 p.m.: Sigh, I guess I’m not.

3:30 p.m.: Darcy just asked me if I wanted to get margaritas with her after work. As if! Slash maybe because none of my friends have texted me back yet….

5:00 p.m.: Answered prayers! My friend Anastasia Diamond has responded and wants to hang out! She’s such a maniac. Last time we hung out, she got drunk, puked on my floor, and tried to sleep with my boyfriend. I love her so much. Truly feeling blessed right now.

6:00 p.m.: Off of work! Anastasia wants to meet at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place for food and drinks. That’s exactly what I wanted to do! Crazy.

6:30 p.m.: Um, Anastasia is already wasted. And she told me that I looked like a chic Kindergarten teacher. Is that even possible? I sort of want to cry.

7:00 p.m.: Dear God, these margaritas are strong. Viva Cinco De Mayo! There’s a Mariachi band here and everything. It’s so sad that my other friends decided not to celebrate this important cultural holiday.

7:30 p.m.: Anastasia just invited Jose, the barback, to come sit with us, and now she keeps sliding her foot up my dress underneath the table. Does she know it’s not Jose she’s feeling up?

7:45 p.m.: I think Anastasia’s foot just impregnated me. This is not how I planned to celebrate my seventh favorite holiday!

7:50 p.m. Anastasia just texted me from across the table, “I’m totally going to second base right now with Jose. hehe.” Oh my god.

8:15 p.m.: Update: I’m drunk and I hate you.

9:00 p.m.: I’m salsa dancing at a bar right now! This is crazy. I would NEVER do this. Behold the power of this magnificent holiday.

9:45 p.m.: Anastasia just threw up in my hair and called me a bitch. Ugh, she is just such a free spirit! Inspiring.

4:00 a.m: Sorry, I wanted to live in the moment for a sec and experience some things just for myself. I’m walking home right now. Cinco De Mayo was truly outrageous! I got drunk off of margaritas, went salsa dancing, and ate enchiladas in an authentic Mexican restaurant. It’s a bummer that I have to wait an entire year before I can experience any of those things again! TC mark

image – Cillian Storm

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://twitter.com/chantzerolin Chantz Erolin

    you should probably slip ” for white people” into the title up there.

  • Sam

    Cinco de Mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day.

  • Girl In Miami

    mmm cinco de mayo is not the independence of mexico…

  • not so

    Unfortunately Cinco De Mayo is not Mexican Independence day. September 16th is. May 5th is to celebrate the defeat of the french in The Battle of Puebla.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      But somehow the error works considering who it is I'm talking about, right? RIGHT?

      • Girl In Miami

        it does

      • Ryan O'Connell

        What I mean to say it was a DELIBERATE error (for once). The girl I'm describing wouldn't know what the holiday actually was. I'm glad y'all do though.

  • http://profiles.google.com/veinsonfire Carlos Ortiz

    Cinco de Mayo is the date of the battle of Puebla, where the Mexican army defeated the better-equipped French army on Mexican soil, considered one of the most powerful at the time, despite being outnumbered.
    Mexico's independence day is September 16th.
    It was annoying to read that inaccuracy being virtually Mexican myself.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      babe, this whole thing is a parody! the girl i described in the article would not know the true meaning of the holiday.

      • http://profiles.google.com/veinsonfire Carlos Ortiz

        Oh jesus I realize that now, see my comment above, I'll refrain from commenting before I read the whole article next time.

    • http://profiles.google.com/rosebudmeza Rose Meza

      How is someone “virtually” mexican?

  • http://profiles.google.com/veinsonfire Carlos Ortiz

    Ok so it was intentional, now I feel a little like an ass.

  • Kristy

    Major lulz. Today is cinco de mayo? Oh sorry I didn't notice, I'm not in college anymore.

  • Natalie Lee

    Ryan, I can always count on you to tell me how to celebrate a holiday.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    Some underage college kids paid me to buy alcohol for them for Cinco de Mayo. Felt kind of jealous of their excitement about “getting wasted”.

  • Matt

    I love Mexico's Independence Day!

    • Gigi

      see Daniel Soto's comment. Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day, it's the day the Mexicans beat the French at the battle of Puebla.

      • Gigi

        of maybe you were joking too? woops, sorry…

  • :)

    Do people know we (in Mexico) don't even celebrate this? Like yeah, it's a “holiday” so you might get off work/school but that's kinda IT.. That celebration sounds like fun, though..

  • http://profiles.google.com/danielsmorfin Daniel Soto

    I'm sure that Ryan knows that 5 de Mayo is not Mexico's Independence day, otherwsie my heart will be broken, for I adore him and I'm Mexican… He knows that Mexico's Independence Day is celebrated on the night of September 15th, right Ryan? Right? *hearing his heart break*

    • Ryan O'Connell

      yes hunny. its a parody. I WOULD NEVER BRAKE UR HEART

      • http://profiles.google.com/danielsmorfin Daniel Soto


      • Susie Q

        brake? another parody?

  • raerae

    Ryan, I wish I was drinking a margarita right now and could cheers you for this.

  • http://twitter.com/rhodeislander rhodeislander

    A Mexican co-worker and I scoured our place of employment for French people to beat up for Cinco de Mayo, but had to settle for telling a Quebecker to go fuck himself.

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