1. Andy Warhol
Andy Warhol was sort of living la vida Internet before it even existed. I mean, didn’t he predict it or something? It would make sense considering he laid the foundation for this “15 minutes of fame” tabloid culture we live in today. He loved plucking someone from obscurity and making them famous for no reason. All of his Factory films were pretty much reality shows i.e. improvised fragments of “real” life.
Andy would’ve ruled supreme on the web. He would’ve beat Kim Kardashian in Twitter followers, and a tweet as simple as “i like oranges” would’ve gotten, like, a thousand retweets. He would love Twitpics. There’d be photos of Viva slumped over in the corner of the Factory in a heroin daze with the caption: “viva goes zzzzz.” His Facebook fan page would have so many “like”s but the comments would be terrible. “Andy is the worst. I wish he would just die!” or “he’s sO UGlY N siCk ewwww. whatAfAG!” When he was shot by Valerie Solanas though, there would’ve been an outpour of digital love. Fans would write, “Hang in there, Andy!” and “Say hi to Edie in heaven for me…” And like the freak that he is, he would’ve tweeted from his hospital bed something like, “someone shot me today and it was brilliant….” Ugh, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe Andy would’ve just had the most annoying internet presence in the world.
2. Edie Sedgwick
If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that we should never give an unstable narcissist a Wifi connection. But if Edie had been around when the internet was invented, she would’ve been obsessed with it. Andy Warhol may not have even played a pivotal role in her career because she just could’ve risen to fame like any other It Girl: by being excessively photographed and starting her own fashion blog. Hers would be called something like “Riches To Rags”, and it would probably be hosted on Blogspot rather than Tumblr. Everyone would adore her kooky irreverent style and she would have had a column in the 1960’s version of Nylon in a second. A sample column would be called “Shopping With Edie: How To Make A D.I.Y. Heroin Kit In The Cleaning Aisle At Walgreens!” When Andy and her had that huge falling out, you just know Edie would’ve taken to her Twitter to talk shit. “Looks like @DANDYANDY has replaced with me some lifeless hag named Stardust. TTYL. Barbituates are calling me…” Edie would’ve been like Lindsay Lohan on the internet—a terrifying psycho.
3. Marie Antoinette
If you were put in charge of a country when you were a teenager and married off to a closeted king, what would you do? Ignore all of your responsibilities and spend all day on the internet, duh! Marie Antoinette would totally be posting pics of her decadent parties while her impoverished servants would tweet at her, “WTF? I can’t eat and you just threw a birthday party for your horse? Fuck you!” When the whole “let them eat cake” fiasco occurred, Marie Antoinette would’ve released a statement on her Twitter that said something like, “i srsly didn’t say that. but now that u mention it, i could go for some strawberry shortcake right now…” Who could blame her for being the # 1 internet diva? She never got laid because her husband was dry humping his train collection so all she really had was couture, sweets, and the occasional affair. Get it, girl.