What Would I Be Like If I Were Straight?

Sometimes I think about what I would be like if I liked vagina. How much of me would stay the same and how much would be different? Is there even such a thing as a gay characteristic or quality?

If I were a straight dude, maybe I wouldn’t find Showgirls to be so damn funny. Maybe the campiness would be lost on me and I would just think it’s a really awful movie instead of being a piece of art. Maybe I wouldn’t think it was so cheesy when Nomi pronounced Versace incorrectly. That’s only funny to gay dudes and girls, right?

If I were a straight dude, maybe I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about the pasta I’m eating. Maybe I would let myself go completely. Seth Rogen and Jim Belushi can do it so why can’t I? I could still get a hot girl with a beer belly.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I would think John Waters was a freak instead of an artistic genius. Maybe drag queens would weird me out. Maybe going to a place like San Francisco would give me anxiety. I wonder if I would be the kind of straight dude with tons of gay friends or if I would be someone who kept himself at a distance.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I wouldn’t get so pumped when Britney Spears goes, “It’s Britney, bitch!” at the beginning of “Gimme More”. Maybe it would just sound like unnecessary noise. Maybe Jack Johnson would speak to me instead of a 29-year-old trainwreck.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I wouldn’t be so funny. Maybe my sarcasm and snarkiness would be subdued and I would tell really shitty jokes. Maybe this would be because I wouldn’t have had to be funny to stand out and survive.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I wouldn’t know so much useless shit about pop culture. Maybe I wouldn’t know the entire filmography of Christina Ricci. Maybe I wouldn’t give a shit about Mary Cherry from Popular, Madonna, or The Olsen Twins. Maybe I’d care more about someone bland like Megan Fox because she’s so hot and that’s it. Hot. Satisfied.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I’d have less sex. Maybe I’d have to work harder because girls are complicated and expect more things from someone before they can put their thing in the other thing. Gay men are usually more direct. We don’t fuck around. Actually, that seems to be a large misconception. Gay men are neurotic as shit and come with their own unique set of baggage. Sorry. Gay, straight: We’re all too crazy to fuck!

If I were a straight dude, maybe I would be a terrible dresser. Maybe I would be content with just wearing ill-fitting jeans and a polo shirt. Maybe I wouldn’t get excited over a really cute Rodarte sweater that has the California Republic emblazoned across it because oh my god, I love California and Rodarte! Maybe that wouldn’t even cross my damn straight mind.

If I were a straight dude, maybe I would be happier because I could hold the person I love’s hand anywhere I want. I could get married. I could’ve had what a lot of people wanted me to have. Hmm. I don’t know about that one.

Maybe this is all stereotypical and offensive. Maybe this is me being both heterophobic and homophobic. Nonetheless, it’s interesting to think about how much of a role your sexual preference plays in forming your identity. Do I like campy films because I’m gay or because I’m Ryan O’Connell? Where does one end and the other begin? Just another thought for Thought Catalog. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – The Hangover

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