Do you ever wonder what celebrities do when they hang out together? Like behind closed doors without any paparazzi lurking in the corner? I stopped wondering awhile back when these INSANE candids leaked of Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen partying in a mansion looking fucked up out of their minds. Like they seriously look as if they’ve been doing heroin. They’re also all wearing flannel and swinging at a pinata. Celebs: They’re just like us?

Anyway, I thought it’d be funny to make up a conversation between Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen regarding that night. Don’t sue me. This is not real. But it could be real…

Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen take a seat in a plush restaurant in Los Angeles. A parrot is resting inexplicably on Mary-Kate’s shoulder.

Nicole Richie: Mary-Kate, why the fuck is there a parrot on your shoulder?

Mary-Kate Olsen: Parrots are my spirit animal, Nicole. I took a quiz online.

Nicole Richie: Shouldn’t your spirit animal be more malnourished and bitchy? Just kidding! Love you so much….

Mary-Kate’s Parrot: Nicole Richie is a fat pariah!

NR: MK! Your parrot is such an asshole. What the hell have you been teaching it to say?!

MKO: Nothing. It’s a free bird. Just like its owner. I didn’t teach it anything!

NR: You’re such a lying skank. I’m obsessed with you.

The waiter arrives.

Waiter: Good afternoon ladies. What can I get you today?

MKO: I’ll have the Spa Salad with no dressing, no chicken, no cucumbers, and no carrots.

Waiter: So just the mesculin greens?

MKO: Oh god, no. Leave those out too.

Waiter: But then there’d be nothing left.

MKO: Gold star for the help.

Mary-Kate hands back her menu.

NR: I’m feeling like a total cow today so I’m going to get a packet of Splenda. Don’t judge.

MKO: I would never.

Mary-Kate writes down on a pad. “Food consumed at lunch. MK:  Nothing. :) Nicole: Splenda :(.”

Confused and terrified, the waiter leaves.

NR: So babe, I’m so glad we decided to get lunch today because I feel like things have been weird between us lately.

MKO: Dark. Why?

NR: Well remember that “Heroin and Flannel” party you threw awhile back?

MKO: Was that the one where I required everyone to do heroin and wear flannel?

NR: Yeah.

MKO: How could I forget? Kate Bosworth wore the ugliest flannel I’ve ever seen.

NR: I know, right?! Anyway, I don’t know if you remember this because you might’ve been in a drugged out haze but you totally made fun of my new fragrance that’s coming out in September!

MKO: The one that’s being exclusively sold at Macy’s? I mean, I’m so proud of you. What did I say?

NR: You made fun of the name: Nicole Richie by Richie Nicole in collaboration with Nicole Richie.

MKO: I would never! I love that name. It’s so…you.

Mary Kate’s Parrot: Nicole Richie’s fragrance name is a hilarious joke.

NR: MK! Stop it. Your parrot is hurting my feelings.

MKO: You can’t tell it what to do, Nicole. That’s oppression depression. That’s animal cruelty.

NR: Actually Kirstie Alley, that’s exactly what you do with a parrot. It’s a mimic. God, I’m this close to force feeding you a Big Mac just like they did to you in Cirque Lodge. I’m so annoyed!

MKO: How dare you mention that! The scars haven’t healed.

NR: You mean the stretch marks? I’m over this and I’m over you. I’m taking my Splenda to go.

MKO: Nicole, if you walk out on me, I will do the following things: Tell Us Weekly you have herpes, unfollow you on Twitter, and potentially make out with your husband while holding your baby.

NR: Oh really? If you do any of those things, I will tell Lindsay Lohan you want to be friends with her again. She’ll be at your doorstep guaranteed in five minutes. Good luck getting rid of her!

Mary-Kate gasps.

MKO: But she’s insane! She took locks of my hair last time we hung out.

NR: Smooch.