What Happens When Celebrities Hang Out With Each Other

Do you ever wonder what celebrities do when they hang out together? Like behind closed doors without any paparazzi lurking in the corner? I stopped wondering awhile back when these INSANE candids leaked of Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen partying in a mansion looking fucked up out of their minds. Like they seriously look as if they’ve been doing heroin. They’re also all wearing flannel and swinging at a pinata. Celebs: They’re just like us?

Anyway, I thought it’d be funny to make up a conversation between Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen regarding that night. Don’t sue me. This is not real. But it could be real…

Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen take a seat in a plush restaurant in Los Angeles. A parrot is resting inexplicably on Mary-Kate’s shoulder.

Nicole Richie: Mary-Kate, why the fuck is there a parrot on your shoulder?

Mary-Kate Olsen: Parrots are my spirit animal, Nicole. I took a quiz online.

Nicole Richie: Shouldn’t your spirit animal be more malnourished and bitchy? Just kidding! Love you so much….

Mary-Kate’s Parrot: Nicole Richie is a fat pariah!

NR: MK! Your parrot is such an asshole. What the hell have you been teaching it to say?!

MKO: Nothing. It’s a free bird. Just like its owner. I didn’t teach it anything!

NR: You’re such a lying skank. I’m obsessed with you.

The waiter arrives.

Waiter: Good afternoon ladies. What can I get you today?

MKO: I’ll have the Spa Salad with no dressing, no chicken, no cucumbers, and no carrots.

Waiter: So just the mesculin greens?

MKO: Oh god, no. Leave those out too.

Waiter: But then there’d be nothing left.

MKO: Gold star for the help.

Mary-Kate hands back her menu.

NR: I’m feeling like a total cow today so I’m going to get a packet of Splenda. Don’t judge.

MKO: I would never.

Mary-Kate writes down on a pad. “Food consumed at lunch. MK:  Nothing. :) Nicole: Splenda :(.”

Confused and terrified, the waiter leaves.

NR: So babe, I’m so glad we decided to get lunch today because I feel like things have been weird between us lately.

MKO: Dark. Why?

NR: Well remember that “Heroin and Flannel” party you threw awhile back?

MKO: Was that the one where I required everyone to do heroin and wear flannel?

NR: Yeah.

MKO: How could I forget? Kate Bosworth wore the ugliest flannel I’ve ever seen.

NR: I know, right?! Anyway, I don’t know if you remember this because you might’ve been in a drugged out haze but you totally made fun of my new fragrance that’s coming out in September!

MKO: The one that’s being exclusively sold at Macy’s? I mean, I’m so proud of you. What did I say?

NR: You made fun of the name: Nicole Richie by Richie Nicole in collaboration with Nicole Richie.

MKO: I would never! I love that name. It’s so…you.

Mary Kate’s Parrot: Nicole Richie’s fragrance name is a hilarious joke.

NR: MK! Stop it. Your parrot is hurting my feelings.

MKO: You can’t tell it what to do, Nicole. That’s oppression depression. That’s animal cruelty.

NR: Actually Kirstie Alley, that’s exactly what you do with a parrot. It’s a mimic. God, I’m this close to force feeding you a Big Mac just like they did to you in Cirque Lodge. I’m so annoyed!

MKO: How dare you mention that! The scars haven’t healed.

NR: You mean the stretch marks? I’m over this and I’m over you. I’m taking my Splenda to go.

MKO: Nicole, if you walk out on me, I will do the following things: Tell Us Weekly you have herpes, unfollow you on Twitter, and potentially make out with your husband while holding your baby.

NR: Oh really? If you do any of those things, I will tell Lindsay Lohan you want to be friends with her again. She’ll be at your doorstep guaranteed in five minutes. Good luck getting rid of her!

Mary-Kate gasps.

MKO: But she’s insane! She took locks of my hair last time we hung out.

NR: Smooch. TC mark

image – via

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I was hooked. Now I want to throw a 'Heroin & Flannel' party minus the heroin and flannel.

  • Casey Jones

    Didn't Tao Lin already write this novel?

  • Buellbuell2

    this should be a web episode of “Very Mary-Kate”

  • laura

    this is hilarious!

  • T6

    dude, you could seriously write for SNL. YOU MUST make this into a series on TC…

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