Thought Catalog

This Gay Boy Wants A Boyfriend

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This gay boy wants a boyfriend. This gay boy doesn’t feel like taking another person home from da club whose body is caked in glitter. Every time I see an image of the lonely single gay best friend on TV, I hug my solitary dinner that much tighter. Is this simply a case of life imitating Will & Grace? If so, why is the media cockblocking me from finding a boyfriend? What the  hell did I ever do to the execs at NBC?

This gay boy wants to belong to the exclusive club of gay men who are in long-term monogamous relationships. They live among us! They find their partner one day in a crowded room, nest together, and become each other’s mates for life. They pick out antique furniture together at flea markets, throw dinner parties, and become that amazing gay couple that everyone is envious of.

But how do you go from point Gay to point Monogamy? How do you navigate your way through a culture that reportedly doesn’t want relationships? They want Grindr, they want Craigslist, they want to be free. Is this even true though? Gay or straight. don’t we all just want somebody to love? Eventually you’ll have to want to leave the party, right?

This gay boy wants to find the peanut butter to his jelly. I want to go home to more than my DVR recording of Mildred Pierce and the new Panda Bear record. Is this owed to me? Is love owed to anyone? Yes, it’s owed to all of us. But finding love might be harder for gay men than for straight people. I can’t know this for certain, but it just feels this way. It just feels like there are a lot more sad older gay men putting around the internet looking for someone to be with for a few hours.

This gay boy is terrified of becoming an older gay man. Getting older is the pits no matter what in this society, but with gay men it’s even worse. You could potentially become what they refer to as, “a bitter old queen.” Sometimes I think of my fifty-something gay uncle in California who haunts his big mansion of a house, goes to movies alone, and trolls the internet for men, and I can’t help but get a little sad and sick. Is that my fate? Is that our fate?

There’s an unspoken race to end up in the arms of someone who’s willing to love you forever. On your mark, get set…. TC mark

image – One From RM

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    • cazador

      I've found an appropriate jelly, we mesh in a sandwichey way, but he can't “be my boyfriend” he “likes to screw around” even though he isn't actively doing this. What is wrong with boys? What is wrong with men? I don't want to be free, someone chain me up plz (in the least kinky, most loving way possible).

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

      You are very young. This is not a real problem.

      • cazador

        wut?

      • http://twitter.com/jimmy7879 James Mitchell

        Of course it's a real problem. Are you a bitter old queen?

    • Eric

      CONSTANT FEAR like this actually seems really scary

    • Lindsey

      This reminds me of this song:



      P.S. Ryan O'Connell, you're my favorite TC author :)

      • DJ Carnita

        I PUT THIS VIDEO ON IMMEDIATELY AFTER READING THIS! Genius.

    • Aaron

      I'll be the peanut butter to your jelly.

    • Marcus Estvanko

      I feel the same way sometimes too, but I know that it'll happen when it does.

    • Andrew

      Do be so closed off to “da person from da club caked in glitter” or a boy on Grindr or Craigslist. You never know when there is someone out there, just like you, looking for a serious, long term relationship and tries one of those sites or hits the club one night with friends. When you're so focused and tunnel visioned onto finding something you don't think exists, you might be missing out on several opportunities that could have fulfilled your dreams.

    • Luke

      how would you feel about just posting less ryan. seriously think about it.

      • OhYaKnow

        I started reading this site because of Ryan's posts. Just saying.

    • Andres

      Ryan I love your posts. I am in full agreement with you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you too are one of my favorite TC authors!

    • Peter

      love being alone. desire is a delicious trap. fifty and single and not bitter and loving it.

    • http://twitter.com/maybeL8er Drew DeMartinis

      When you abort the mission, your mission will be complete. A week after I aborted my mission of finding a husband, my now-fiancee asked me on our first date a week later. I know not everyone has my silver screen story, but it became a lot easier when I stopped looking and he found me :)

    • Scott

      Instead of reproducing harmful stigmas about single people, promiscuity, and gay relationship deficiency, I think it would be more useful to raise awareness among singles as an oppressed class of people. CR group, anyone?

      • PORTS1961

        Singles Anonymous, much? Haha.

    • Arthur

      I was already feeling like I'll be single forever today then reading this didn't cure that feeling of loneliness. But, it does perfectly describe the way I feel, and thanks for putting words to something I cant put words to.

    • Owen

      CTFO. love is slow and quiet, and you'll scare it away.

    • TheGlitteryGay

      i wonder what would happen if you spent less time flirting with your dvr and went to one of those “gay bars” you trashed in this post. you might be surprised by someone buying you a drink, without the intention of sex. you sound closed-minded and bitter, and that's probably why you're single. not because of “our culture”.

      and ps, all the things you write about older gays? have you never met a cat lady? or a sad, old bachelor?
      and love is not something you do just so you don't end up alone. love isn't really something you can choose to do.

      anyway! just a few thoughts :)

    • yosoyrichie

      it's nice to know that a lot of gays do want a real relationship. of course clubbing is fun and all but even the disco ball got its dull sides. i used to be jaded that there is such thing as sweet smooth love for gays, because all i've ever known is the bitter complicated ones and some of which costs a little more. now i do want to meet that future partner who i will endure the rest of my life as much as he would do me. and yes i want to get married to him. thanks ryan for your post.

    • queernotgay

      Wow, it strikes me as incredibly problematic that you're busy equating monogamy with a successful romantic relationship. One can have intimacy with another human being without demanding sexual exclusivity and ownership. Those ideas are permeate straight culture and make for many unhappy, sexless marriages.

      This entire piece is full of internalized homophobia. Intimacy and sexual freedom are not mutually exclusive. Our modes of sexual expression as gay men do not need to reinforce dominant hegemonic ideas regarding sex, intimacy, and gender.

      The assumption that joy can only be found in monogamy and everyone is else is miserable…fuck man. And the way you talk about other gay men…

      No one is queer anymore–all you guys just want to fit in.

      • OhYaKnow

        Because when it comes to reprogramming your brain and the way society has taught you to think from the moment of conception or trying to find someone to love forever and be with, it's SUCH an easy choice!

      • Gay too

        I come from a perspective similar to Mr. O'Connell's, and I have to check myself with “the way [I] talk about other gay men” too. But I take serious issue with your claim that monogamy “make[s] for many unhappy, sexless marriages.” My parents have been married for 37 years. Is every day in their household a picnic? Of course not. Do they have sex regularly? I don't know, and I prefer not to. Are they unhappy? Absolutely not. What emboldens you to so broadly trash the choices they, and countless others, have made for themselves? Perhaps you're not seeking respect for the choices you've made; (you imply you're not interested in “fitting in”) but if you are, I suggest you start by holding back on the vitriol. Consider me duped by society – but, yes, that – commitment, stability, and the-big-L-word – is what I want. I don't find my desire to find a life partner to be irreconcilable with fully embracing my gay identity.

        • Queer too

          Perhaps I should have written “Queer too” in response; forgive me, I was clearly a bit incensed after reading your initial post.

        • QUEERNOTGAY

          I think the standards set by our society create a culture of serial monogamy and adultery. All one has to do is look at the divorce rates and the levels of reported cheating in our country. Many of those people would still be married if they didn't feel the need to lock up each others' genitals for life.

          I'm happy for your parents if they've worked out a marriage that accommodates their needs. I'm not trashing their choices and I'm not arguing that monogamy is not a standard that works for some people, but I do think it's important that we don't make moralizing judgements about those who chose not to adhere to it.

          As a gay man, it's fine to want monogamy and it's fine to want to fit it. But, when you trash other gay men who haven't chosen that path or who don't want monogamy and when you imply that their choice is bereft of value, that leaves me and many straight and gay people in nontraditional relationships feeling judged.

          We already have enough people hating us with Maggie Gallagher and the rest of the radical right. We don't need to sit around lambasting anyone who is using Grindr or hooking up.

          We don't need to imply that commitment, stability and Love are only possible within heteronormative structures. I have all three of those things with my life partner and we don't feel the need to hew to monogamy.

          Ryan's critique of gay culture says more about his own anxieties about being gay than anything else.

          All that said, congrats to your parents on 37 years!

        • Queer too (Orig. Gay too)

          Totally legitimate! Maybe if we all listened to each other more we'd have a happier world.

      • ricky sccchitliyz

        man u r a fucking faggot and i dont mean that in the gay sense i just mean ur a fuckin idiot faggot

      • xtos

        Wow, it strikes me as incredibly problematic that you're busy presuming to know what somebody else wants and to try to tell them they don't know it themselves.

        • QUEERNOTGAY

          Someone can know something that they want without attacking every other people in their own community.

    • TheLandStander

      I met my first(and far from last) boyfriend on adam4adam of all places. Just be open to new things/people/ experiences and remember that you must respect and love yourself first. It'll happen.

      That being said, can I take you out for a drink this weekend? Flying into NYC via Chicago for the Zola Jesus show on Saturday. Would love to hang for a bit, if possible…

    • Guest

      seems maybe easier for gay ppl to find 'true <3' rather than just 'a relationship', though, which so many straight ppl seem to feel obligated into via social pressures/babies/etc. So you're more likely to end up w someone who you always go out & have fun with, instead of getting stuck in some rut, always been a little jeal :(

    • Sunday Kavanagh

      Ryan your internalised homophobia has reached a new apex in this piece. It's actually breathtaking.

    • Ashley McKenzie

      don't worry man, plenty more rainbow fish in the sea.

    • Dan Hoffman

      WOOP DE DOO

    • LondonBoy22

      At the end of the day, your life is what is happening NOW. We aren't getting younger. So many of us focus on the future and the what ifs, which is normal, but life is ultimately about creating yourself. So be open, love yourself, and you never know….

      But seriously – sex is too easy for us gays. It takes away from the romance, the flirting, the feeling… Guys need to realise that casual sex gets boring after a while, and sex is AMAZING with someone you actually have feelings for. Seriously – how is this not obvious, fellow gay world?!?! Do you want to die alone?!?!

      I attribute a lot of these issues to internalised homophobia and it's sort of a vicious circle. There are too many gay men who have issues about their sexuality because society still has issues with gays. Honestly, I'm gay and I love being gay. It is completely natural and that's that.

    • anonymous

      Ugh, some people should not be allowed to comment. No one with a satirical twitter called beinggayisgay could actually have serious internalized homophobia DUHHH otherwise it wouldn't be funny. Don't let the haterz get you down ryan, you da best on TC!

      • NotSoTrueAnonymous

        i disagree. and i adore #beinggayisgay

        but a good sense of humor + internalized homophobia = best gay satirical twitter account there is

        and to be fair to ryan. when you're inculcated into this system since birth.. how can you not have it to some degree?

        • PORTS1961

          Wow, that last sentence seems so absolutely hopeless. Just because society is a certain way doesn't mean that we can't be stronger and smarter than it and figure out what's right and wrong for it and what is right and wrong for ourselves. I think you're selling Ryan as well as gay men, throw in any minority out there as well, short beyond belief.

    • Mike

      Ryan O'Connell's posts always brighten my day, if just because they let me know there are gay guys my age who feel the same way I do. Here's to being a hopeful romantic :)

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