5 Things I Don’t Want You to Ever Do to Me

1. Ask if you can try on my glasses

Here’s something that’s completely uninteresting about me: My vision is terrible. It’s so bad that anytime I’m out and about, someone will inevitably look at my lenses and be like, “Whoa, you’re like really blind!” and I’ll respond with, “Yeah. I like really am.” Then they’ll ask what my prescription is and I’ll say something like, “-8000. I don’t know.” Finally they’ll ask me the most dreaded question ever which is, “Can I try them on for a sec?” I used to say yes and they would put on my glasses and be shocked. “Oh my god. I can’t see anything. Fuck man!” Meanwhile, I would just stand there not being able to see shit while slowly getting a headache and say back, “Yup. I told you. I’m blind.” This exchange became even more frequent when I started to wear a pair of glasses that looked eerily similar to Harry Potter’s. I ordered them four days before I was hit by a car and put them on for the first time in the hospital. With my giant cast, my morphine grin and nightgown, I looked like a total freak.

Even without a morphine drip and hospital fashions, the Harry Potter glasses still made me look a weirdo. But I ended up wearing them for four years anyway. Maybe it was some sort of sentimental attachment that compelled me to do so. It was as if they were a symbol of my survival because if I had died I would never have had the chance to wear them. Or something. I don’t know. The point is that people started calling me Harry Potter everyday and ask if they could try them on. I hated it. I eventually had to start saying no to people because it was getting so damn annoying. F.YI. if you’re blind, it’s not fun to be without your glasses. This one time my lens popped out while I was literally across the street from a Lenscrafter’s and I still managed to trip and eat shit while walking the 100 steps to it. So please don’t take my vision away from me so you can tell me how blind I am. I know. I can’t even see you when you’re telling me I can’t see. (#dark)

2. Give me a hickey

I don’t know what it is about me that invites such poor sexual etiquette but every guy I’ve been with has covered my neck in hickeys. Hickeys are only fun when you’re 16 and need physical proof that you’re hooking up. “Oh my god, look! Someone liked me enough to do this to my body. Jealous?!” Anytime after that though, hickeys are tramp stamps done to you by a thoughtless lover. They represent sexual immaturity, four mojitos and a moment of inattentiveness. I dated a boy for three months who I sort of treated like crap and as a form of passive-agressive revenge, he would give me so many hickeys on my neck. That’s right. Hickeys in your twenties are a form of revenge, not affection.

3. Peer pressure me into doing drugs

I’m a man with specific vices. I don’t venture much into other drug neighborhoods, I’m content with staying on my cul-de-sac and don’t like it when people want me to explore new hoods. I remember one night when my friend tried to pressure me into taking an Adderall. The thought of being denied food and sleep sent chills down my spine and I gave him an emphatic no. He wasn’t satisfied with my answer though and he kept on pestering me to take the pill until I literally had to take the pill and hold it under my tongue while I went to the bathroom to spit it out. Today I would’ve just told him to screw off but this was when I was still very young and had a problem with being assertive. So for the future, don’t ask me to eat something that will make me hallucinate for eight hours. Don’t ask me to watch the sun rise over white lines of fun. Just don’t.

4. Follow Friday me on Twitter without actually following me on Twitter

This requires little explanation. Why do people do this? It boggles my virtual mind. I lose sleep over it, become hysterical, and think about throwing my computer out the window. It’s that serious and bizarre.

5. Try to set me up with your other gay friend

This might come as a shock to some but gay men need to have more in common with someone than just “I like dick” in order to have a relationship with them. I don’t hook up my straight girlfriends with my straight guy friends just because they both prefer the opposite sex. Why won’t people extend the same thoughtfulness to me?! TC mark

image – Marc Falardeau

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • LDN

    i didn't know you were that hot. i would.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “…hickeys are tramp stamps done to you by a thoughtless lover.”

    Tell that to my roommate with three enormous hickeys on his neck.

  • http://twitter.com/rebeccaaaa Rebecca Sutter

    Can we talk about the Follow Friday thing? I woke up this morning and realized my former boss who I've been following for 3 years just did this to me. I don't get it.

    • London

      I don't even know what that means

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    this is how i got rid of the hickey problem https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac
    1 fight but no more hickeys 4 me

  • http://twitter.com/Dan_Hoffmann Dan Hoffman

    damn Ryan, I'm sorry for asking to to see your glasses that one time.

  • http://pellytwins.blogspot.com jenn pelly

    “Hickeys in your twenties are a form of revenge, not affection.”

    lol-ed so hard at that


    We need to start a TC fundraiser to get you some Lasik surgery. I'm truly worried about you now.

  • http://www.behance.net/clifwith1f clifwith1f

    Kudos on the drug stance. I feel the exact same way, and it pisses me off when people act almost offended that I don't want to take their pills. I'm fine with what I do, thankyouverymuch.

    • SaraJane

      <3 !

  • Fanl

    if you're writing something for the public shouldn't it be interesting to people who don't know you personally


    • Ana

      shut the fuck up

    • luanne

      It IS interesting–to people who like to read. I like Ryan's writings and today is my first time.
      I also like the note at the top about the principle who acted according to his principals–don't let the Bullies take over. We've just got to be smarter than them.
      Also, you can follow me on Lifevorce to see new and exciting videos, plus lots of good Oldies–

  • Rupaul

    wait, but i really want to try on your glasses.

  • SousChefGerard

    That is one drugged up smile.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

    You should've passed that adderall this way.

  • @Your_Monster_

    Lmao yur cute. ^__^

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    i love love love this article.

  • faith

    relatable on a personal level. yeah.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/G-rac-Ushdugery/100000870217856 G-rac Ushdugery

    Agree with every one of those except 4 but only because I've got no clue what it means.

  • http://twitter.com/kas_x KAS

    god damn i am so with you on the last one.
    every time i tell someone that i like girls, they would link me to theirother lesbian friends. that is so annoying.
    after a while i just avoid to talk about my sexuality

  • http://www.crmunar.tumblr.com crmunar

    #5 spoke to me.

  • diego

    i was hit by a car too and i am blind too. #word

  • Lucky

    I can relate so much to #1. People ask you to try your glasses and then go “God, you’re blind” EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. It’s like “yeah, I’ve never heard that one before”. Gosh

blog comments powered by Disqus