Newsflash: Your body probably hates you in your twenties. After eating crappy food, experimenting with drugs, and drinking enough alcohol to vomit rainbow colors, your body is officially fed up. It kind of feels like your mind and body are bickering conjoined twins sometimes. The two often want different things but they need to meet each other halfway in order to survive. Do you ever wonder what your body would actually say to you if it had the power to talk back? I do. It would probably say something like this…
My body’s feelings about pasta, bread pudding, vanilla wafers, hamburgers, milkshakes etc.
Your diet makes me cower in fear. Every time you order your gourmet macaroni and cheese with a side of mashed potatoes, I silently weep. Don’t you know that you’re killing me? Those four slices of pizza you ate last night deleted three and a half days off of my life span. I calculated it. And not only are you going to die of a heart attack, but you’re going to die fat. You know what? Just to spite you, I’ll make it so you gain weight in strange places. You’ll be disproportionately overweight with chicken legs and a big belly. Look, you need to remember that I’m the boss, applesauce. Screwing me only means you’re screwing yourself. Now go get me some kale and something that’s gluten free. I feel an allergy coming on….
My body’s feelings about anal sex
You are not putting that penis inside of me! It’s humongous! Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to see me cry? Look, I’m all for you getting laid. Sex makes me feel warm and happy, and I don’t ever develop feelings for the person. That’s your mind’s job. But there is such a thing as “too big” and this guy is it. Why don’t you just get back together with your ex boyfriend? I barely felt him! It was perfect. I swear, if you let this boy fuck you tonight, I will rebel against it. That’s right. Are you understanding what I’m trying to say? I WILL POOP ON HIM.
My body’s feelings about drugs
Smoking weed hurts my lungs. Pills hurt my liver. Coke hurts my soul and gives me a sinus infection. So why did you ever do these things to me? I thought we were friends! In high school, we were so close. You hated substances and so did I! But in college, you completely betrayed me. Things are admittedly better now. We’re rebuilding our relationship but I’m still having trouble letting go of the past. You need to promise me to never do those no good very horrible bad drugs again and then we can begin the healing process.
My body’s feelings about drinking
I know drinking is legal and widely perceived as being less harmful than drugs, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: It’s a lie. Excessive drinking is just as bad for me if not worse than when you do a few lines of coke. It’s basically poison. Why do you think I vomited last year when you ate six jello shots? Why do you think I have the runs the entire next day? Why do you think you can’t move until 7 p.m.? It’s because alcohol fucks my shit up. Not to mention all of the mysterious bruises you give me when you’re wasted. (Thanks babe!) I wake up looking like a bottle of Jim Beam beat the crap out of me. I wish I had the power to snatch that drink out of your hand, but that’s unfortunately only something your mind is capable of doing. Speaking of which, why is your mind such an idiot sometimes? It gets me into so much trouble and causes me (literal) pain. Can it make some better decisions ASAPular? Because I’m the one who pays for its poor judgement. It’s not fair!
My body’s final message to me
Here’s the deal. I love you. I just need you to love me back. Even though you can treat me like crap now without seeing many drawbacks, I assure you that will change. There’ll be no more Mr. Nice Guy when you get older. I’m not going to be a pushover in your thirties and forties. I will shut down on you! So treat me with kindness now. Give me warm tender kisses and long embraces. Give me massages, vegetables, a healthy amount of sex, exercise, facials, and most importantly: SUNBLOCK. And then we can be happy and old together. It’ll be just you and me, babe. You and me.