Thought Catalog

I Love You, I Hate You

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If you love someone, you run the risk of not loving them one day. You run the risk of seeing them in a grocery store years later and hiding behind the display of bananas so you won’t have to say anything to them and pretend that the love never happened. It’s funny, isn’t it? When you run into someone like your childhood best friend (the one you haven’t seen in years, the one who became a Christian and has a Coach bag), you say hello. You hug, quickly find out what they’re doing with their life, if they’re happy, and then you move on. Sure, it’s awkward, and there might be a temporary ache in your chest afterwards (time can be unkind) but you acknowledge them, you pay tribute with a smile, a hug, a “How are you doing?”

With the people you once loved, the people that once had an all-access pass to the most intimate details of your life, you sometimes can’t pay tribute. You can’t ask them about their work, their travels, or god forbid, their family. Your mind can’t process it. They can only exist in black and white; they can either be everything or nothing. You say hello to the person you played with when you were five, and ignore the person whose cum you swallowed, who once cried to you in a cab because everything was going wrong and oh my god, you wanted to help them, wanted to save them.

Who do we hold on to and who do we force ourselves to forget? The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. How quickly it can go from “hold me through the night” to “get fuck off of me.” One day you’re in a hotel gift shop with the person you love and you look over at them and start to see different things, things you wish you were never able to see. This is the beginning of the end, the beginning of “get the fuck off of me.” You know in that moment that you’ll be ignoring them five years from now in a grocery store.

You always have the ability to hate someone you love. Hate is passion just like love is passion. You must know this when you sign the love contract. “I hereby acknowledge that loving you carries the potential for disaster. I hereby acknowledge the possibility of hating your fucking guts!!!” Will this stop anyone from loving? More importantly, should it? No.

In a way, hate can be the best compliment next to love. Because the second you’re able to come up to your ex in that grocery store or on the street, you’ve healed and moved on.  The love exists now in a healthy compartment in your brain or not at all. This is all very well and good, but it also means that it’s truly done. Technically, this is what’s supposed to happen. This is the path you’re supposed to be on. But losing the passion can sometimes be the hardest thing to give up. Holding on to feelings, whether it’s love or hate, reminds you that you’re still alive and that the relationship happened. Or something. TC mark

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    • ricky schitltiiz

      me:
      If you love someone, you run the risk of not loving them one day. You run the risk of seeing them in a grocery store years later and hiding behind the display of bananas so you won’t have to say anything to them and pretend that the love never happened.
      how does this even happen
      i mean like
      do ppl actually have that bad of breakup
      Christos: thats bad

      • AL

        YES! I think Scott Pilgrim vs. the World illustrates the point that there are always two sides to a breakup and the person who's all, “meh” about it never sees the way in which they crushed/abandoned/burned their SO. Most people take comfort in being the one to end it first.

    • Mish

      Yes, Ricky. It does happen.

      • Mish

        but I hide and find more comfort in the in the alcohol aisles.

    • saritapatrice

      Omg, this is too true.

    • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

      What of our fwb, Mr. O'connell?

    • Kristy

      Too real, stop it.

    • Joel

      It feels nice to get to the 'get the fuck off me' stage and not necessarily feel hateful, just relieved that you aren't still in love with someone that is already at the 'get the fuck off me stage'. I guess that would be love existing in that healthy compartment of your brain, like you said.

    • MSandrews

      “You say hello to the person you played with when you were five, and ignore the person whose cum you swallowed, who once cried to you in a cab because everything was going wrong and oh my god, you wanted to help them, wanted to save them.”

      Brilliant. That's all.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      The biggest factor in a longterm monogamous relationship is not resenting the person. We all get mad, have resentments–and only people close to you can make you hurt the most, or the angriest. But what is the other option, being a hermit? I enjoyed this btw

    • DJ

      did you mean “complement” instead of “compliment”?

    • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

      Oh myyy goddd, TRUUUTH!!

      I awkwardly avoid running into a particular boy when I'm on-campus. The other relationships have reached the healed stage. Yikeees :[

    • Dissed and dismissed

      Ricky: They do. I don't go to events that my ex would enjoy, because seeing her makes me want to shoot my brain with a gun. I wouldn't hide behind a display, I'd abandon my cart and get out of the store.

    • steviekew

      This is everything I needed to read right now. Perfect. Some questionable English but otherwise perfect.

    • Mari_tolliver

      enjoyed this, although it sounded to me as if the author has never been married.

      • itsyanna

        he sounds very young. Real love is way more complicated than simple love/hate.

    • Reasoner5

      This is narcissist's behavior. Now that you are aware of it and the effects it has on other people, don't do it again. And don't assume that the only alternative is a hermetic life.

    • Zac

      I get that you're just expressing your thoughts as they relate to your life as of this moment, but there is a world beyond the duality of “love and hate” being somehow equal and concurrent. There is a love that is higher, and I am not talking about anything religious. Anyway, it seems you have things somewhat figured out for now, I would just warn you from falling into the trap of believing the two passions of love and hate are the same thing as true love. In true love, you can't hate your love object. And if you truly let love into your heart, you can't hate anything or anyone.

    • Dtapt

      If “love is a behavior, not a feeling,” what is the “get the fuck off me” stage called?

    • Philip

      Recently I was thinking of the people I know that put their ex-partners on a pedestal when they are together then talk about them like they are human scum after they break up. The only two things I could came up with is that either these people are self-absorbed or I just never loved someone so much that getting over them means cutting them out emotionally even if it means I have to hate them to do it. Your post strikes me the same way.

    • http://camelswithhammers.com Camels With Hammers

      Ingrid Michaelson has a wonderful song about the phenomena you describe here. It's called “Glass”

    • itsyanna

      I dunno if I agree with this. I didn't hate anybody I loved once it was over. I continued to love them, even when I was the one who broke up. The love eventually changed and became less painful, til one day I realized it had faded away. The only person I hated after it was over was my ex-husband and it was due to the absolutely nasty hateful way he ended it and hurt my kids.

      I don't think hate is a tribute to love. I think it's called immaturity.

    • Guest

      HEY MOTHER FUCKERS. KIDS IF YOU ARE READING THIS GO TO YOUR PARENTS AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU FOR THIS SAY TO THEM MUM YOU ARE A BIG HOMO MOTHER FUCKING SLUT AND YOU LOOK UGLY AND OLD/CRUMBLY AND SAY TO YOUR DAD YOUR A FAT DICK HEAD AND I ALOMST GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL AND YOU GUYS RUN I PLAN TO DEYSTROY YOUR HOUSE AND RUIN YOU LIFE. NOW IM GOING TO DRINK YOUR BEER DAD THATS IN THE FRIGE. TRY AND STOP ME I WILL GRAB MY DESERT EAGLE AND SHOOT YOU IN THE GRIND. I HAVE ALSO LOOKED UP PORN AND RAPED SOMEONE BEFORE AMD MASTERBATED IN THE LOCAL STREETS WHEN YOU GUYS WERE ASLEEP.

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