I Don’t Care About The Royal Wedding

In my brain, there is only so much room for pop culture crap. And since it can get so easily flooded with useless information, I have to be particular about what I allow my brain to process. As of April 25th 2011, the things most important to me are The Real Housewives franchise, anything and everything pertaining to Lindsay Lohan’s very sad life (this includes the terrifying reality show Living Lohan), the whereabouts of forgotten star Taryn Manning, C-list gay reality stars that are featured on Bravo (this is a very small list and therefore doesn’t take up much space), any instance in which Mary-Kate Olsen is letting words form and come out of her mouth on camera, anytime Mary-Kate Olsen is seen breathing and wearing an Alia gown to the bodega, the legendary short-lived reality show Hey Paula in which Paula Abdul’s painkiller consumption was vehemently denied and then inexplicably broadcasted for all of America to see, the life story of Anna Nicole Smith and her cousin Shelley, and last but certainly not least, any TV series, movie, or musical artist from the 90s that invokes heavy nostalgia about my childhood.

That’s it. I can’t fit anymore stuff. I’m at capacity. There’s no vacancy at my pop culture hotel. You’re telling me there’s a book about a wizard going to a school called Hogwarts? Sorry, I can’t seem to fit that in. The Simple Life: Season 5 just premiered and I’d rather make that a priority. There’s a book series about vampire Mormons? No thanks. The existence of a person named Taylor Momsen? I can’t hear about it. Sorry!  I’m just so picky about what I choose to obsess over in pop culture. I’ve never read a Harry Potter book or seen the movies, but I can list my top ten favorite Olsen Twins candids. I’ve never seen an episode of most popular television shows on the air right now, but I can recite any line ever uttered by Mary Cherry on the forgotten show Popular.

What can I say? I like what I like. I see something that interests me in pop culture and I commit to it. I can tell you what doesn’t interest me though: The Royal Wedding. What is it? Why is it here? Why is it taking up space on my favorite blogs? Here’s what I’ve been able to deduce so far from this whole shitshow of an event. Some balding British guy who peaked when he was 16 (#dark) is marrying a woman named Kate Middleton. OK. When is the caring supposed to begin? I know it’s an American tradition to obsess over royalty, but I’ve never actually understood why. Why can’t we just focus on our own royalty: Fast food, texting, and aging white women who talk about blowjobs? I was fine with that. Why’d we have to go get all crazy over another country’s drama?

I won’t be watching their wedding because I don’t know Prince William and Kate Middleton personally and I wasn’t invited. It would feel like a scene out of Wedding Crashers if I actually did participate in the ceremony. Instead, I’ll just stick to what I know: celebrity drug problems, gay drama, and Lindsay Lohan’s court outfits. TC mark

image – via

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • YO

    “first”

    • http://twitter.com/blingless Dave P

      Lamestreamer.

      • YO

        2k7 HRO “first” = 2k11 TC “first”
        (in buzzbucks)

      • http://twitter.com/blingless Dave P

        Wishful thinking, bb

      • YO

        走著瞧

      • シャットアップ

        馬鹿

  • ZaneEatsWorld

    Kids these todays! They don't care about anything!

  • JS

    Always entertained and impressed by Thought Catalog articles. This one is by far the most pointless.

  • steviekew

    Unfortunately, I care. Traditionalist, monarch-loving, slightly materialistic, female swine I am. There need to be more Jaffa cakes all up in this bitch.

    • danhoopes

      “I've got some fucking Jaffa cakes in my coat pocket!”

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      Ewww. I cannot stand Jaffa cakes or those friggin' Jammer cookies. But I too am a monarch-loving, slightly materialistic, female swine . . . so you're in good company.

  • http://profiles.google.com/taw.woods Todd Woods

    You're finding it hard to ignore? Try living in a country where his grandmother is head of state, and you have to look at her portrait every-time you pay for something. #bleak

    • Dan

      yet somehow, through it all, you cope.

  • http://www.facebook.com/madeline.criswell Madeline Criswell

    So you don't care about one useless thing but you care about a bunch of other useless things.
    this article isn't even filler its…nothing.

    • faith

      so don't read it..

  • dan hoffman

    how could you avoid not reading/watching harry potter? i feel like someone would have forced you by now

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    I thought it goes without saying that no one cares about the royal wedding? And thought all the blog coverage is being done as a joke. Like “Oh y'all look, silly brits will buy jelly beans shaped like Kate M's face!” Seriously, who cares on this side of the pond?

    Also look what happened last time we all fell in love with a Princess and then she got killed and it was a global downer or something. I was too young to understand much of anything, but even I got the basic message that everyone was freaking out about it even though we weren't British. And that paparazzi were the devil.

    • Johanna

      It got on the news the other day that somebody found a jelly bean shaped like Kate's face.

    • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

      For the record, we Brits mostly don't give a shit either.

  • Cool Mom

    Okay I am having the darndest time getting into Popular!! When does it start getting funny??

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    [something about Kate Middleton's finger]

  • Paul S

    I don't care about it so much that I didn't even write a blog post about it.

    • derper

      but you did read one! derp derp

  • Guest

    Ryan,

    What are your fav blogs??

  • Dan

    can you write more objective articles please because we don't care about how you “feel”.

    • Can

      can you write more emotional comments please because we don't care about how you “think”

  • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana Z.

    William reminds me of one of my mom's childhood friend's son. The one I used to have a crush on because he was an “older man” and he was nice to me when we were trapped in those endless dinner parties and told to go to the playground. Now we're both older and I see him for the first time in about 10 years. He's starting to bald and he's a businessman of some sort. Maybe married with a kid on the way. I look at him fondly and remember the good times had crushing on him, but the love's definitely not there anymore.

  • padface

    British TV is the worst, every other ad relates in some way to the wedding (“Excited about Will and Kate's wedding? Buy a fridge!”). I have lost count of how many inane TV shows there are dedicated to it.

    Also they keep calling Kate a commoner. Wtf. She went to school with the sons and daughters of DUKES for fuck sake.

  • Paige M.

    Ryan- I love reading your articles…. You're the perfect blend of cynicism, sarcasm, and ridiculousness. Keep them coming!

  • http://Tarynmanning.com hearts

    what the hec did i do…..C for CLASS u mean? T.Manning

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