How to Not Be Crazy

Don’t lie about weird shit. Don’t tell people you’re a nationally-ranked tennis player when you just used to pay a lot when you were younger. Don’t claim you grew up in Bel Air when you really grew up in the valley. Don’t tell people you used to date someone when you actually just frenched them three times on your couch. Oh my god and please don’t lie about someone you know having cancer or some weird terminal disease. Because people will find out the truth and just be like, “What? K bye.”

Don’t befriend someone you don’t know on Facebook and then add all of their friends. The original person will notice on their newsfeed and ask their friends, “Um, do you know this person?” They’ll say, “No, I thought you did!” and everyone will just be really creeped out. F.Y.I: every insane thing you do on the internet can be found out by just doing a little Nancy Drew detective work. People leave a virtual trail of crazy person breadcrumbs wherever they go. You could be two clicks away from being discovered at any moment. Honestly, it’s easier just to act like a freak IRL.

Don’t be paranoid about your friendships. Don’t find pictures of some of your friends hanging out at a fondue party and text them being like, “Looks like you had fun at the fondue party….wish I could’ve been there?!” Chill. It’s not because your friends hate you. Sometimes fondue parties are impromptu intimate affairs. By acting passive-aggressive, you’ll just end up looking really insecure and needy. Then your friends REALLY won’t invite you to the next fondue party!

Don’t tell people you just met your deepest darkest secrets. After ten minutes into a conversation, don’t be like, “This one time I was abused by an ex-boyfriend….” or “I used to be addicted to meth.” It’s too much too soon. Self-disclosure is a delicate thing and telling people about your past meth addiction within moments of just meeting them just makes you look like a damaged oversharer. Opening up is a gradual process. You need to be perceptive about social cues and people’s individual comfort levels. So save the story about your abortion for meeting number six or something.

Don’t hack into your significant other’s emails or text messages and delete anything that looks suspicious. Don’t inquire about their schedule every moment of every day. Listen, relationships bring out the crazy in people. It’s sort of unavoidable but you need to stifle the insanity that exists inside of you. Only one person should know about the freaky thoughts that run through your head and that’s you. Period. Craziness: party of one.

Don’t be shady. Don’t tell people you’re going somewhere when you’re really going to do some weird shameful secret activity. Leading a double life is actually the craziest thing ever. Go into any nice hotel and you’ll see so many people living their secret life. You’ll see men with children who live in New Jersey escaping to New York City to pee on some hooker’s leg in a shower for $200.00. One moment they’re kissing their wife on the cheek and the next they’re telling some random person to call them Daddy in midtown. It’s real. Too real.

Be nice. Be honest. Be sensitive. Be aware of social situations and pick up on moods. Be not crazy. TC mark

image – Girl Interrupted

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • bebop

    i wanna read that slutwalk stuff.

    • JJ

      Don't be crazy.

  • CC

    this is actually a really helpful checklist, thanks.

  • http://robmoses.tumblr.com Rob

    DON'T HELP THEM OR WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHO THEY ARE

  • xmkdz

    the “everyone leaves a trail digital breadcrumbs” bit is very applicable to humanities, artistic crowds like this one. anyone who knows shit about computers knows how to hide their tracks.

    you know, you remind me, i've been spending too much time among you fucking tryhard art faggots in my online reading habits. the vast hoards of you people really are genuinely fucking useless in any kind of practical, technical matter at all. your advice is probapt for most people likely to read this tho

    • Alex

      uh oh, someone isn't sure how not to be crazy!

    • diddly

      calm ur tits qurl

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I think I just read a cracked article on this.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    can we show this to every1 on FB pls

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    this is more of a guide to how to be crazy, crazy people don't realize they are crazy. I like the passive aggressive fondue texts

  • sleepygirl

    Eep! it's play* a lot at the beginning not pay a lot*. Just noticed!

    Suchhh a good article. I'm pretty crazy in relationships, it's hard not to be xD

  • Catherine

    OMG I have a double life, am I a crazy person?

    • Vor

      “Don’t tell people you just met your deepest darkest secrets. After ten minutes into a conversation, don’t be like, “This one time I was abused by an ex-boyfriend….” or “I used to be addicted to meth.” It’s too much too soon. Self-disclosure is a delicate thing and telling people about your past meth addiction within moments of just meeting them just makes you look like a damaged oversharer. Opening up is a gradual process. You need to be perceptive about social cues and people’s individual comfort levels. So save the story about your abortion for meeting number six or something.” 
        I don’t like judgmental people that think this way.   If you’re unconfortable with the humanity of others how does that make them  “damaged”?  Even that word is anti-social. This kinda crap is one of many barriers to better communication in general.   We all have our social challenges.  One of them is appearing to be a social know-it-all when we can agree we are individuals.  Lets try to accept our differences and get to know each other with as few conditions as possible.

  • Lou Lou

    Craziness: Party of one. :)

  • http://twitter.com/LulabelleNiche Gabrielle Bodek

    I would love it if you wrote a whole separate article stemming from the all too common family man with a weird fetish. Maybe a look into the a day in the life of a Sugar Daddy?

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    True story: dated someone who lied about having cancer. We all learned some important lessons from it.

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      wtf that sucks . sorry on the behalf of humanity

  • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

    crap. It seems like I have been hanging out with crazy people.

  • tc

    ahaha I agree with the secrets one 100%

  • jen-knee-furr

    I've been some of those types of crazy. Took me a while, but I got over it and learned to relax.

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