Don’t lie about weird shit. Don’t tell people you’re a nationally-ranked tennis player when you just used to pay a lot when you were younger. Don’t claim you grew up in Bel Air when you really grew up in the valley. Don’t tell people you used to date someone when you actually just frenched them three times on your couch. Oh my god and please don’t lie about someone you know having cancer or some weird terminal disease. Because people will find out the truth and just be like, “What? K bye.”
Don’t befriend someone you don’t know on Facebook and then add all of their friends. The original person will notice on their newsfeed and ask their friends, “Um, do you know this person?” They’ll say, “No, I thought you did!” and everyone will just be really creeped out. F.Y.I: every insane thing you do on the internet can be found out by just doing a little Nancy Drew detective work. People leave a virtual trail of crazy person breadcrumbs wherever they go. You could be two clicks away from being discovered at any moment. Honestly, it’s easier just to act like a freak IRL.
Don’t be paranoid about your friendships. Don’t find pictures of some of your friends hanging out at a fondue party and text them being like, “Looks like you had fun at the fondue party….wish I could’ve been there?!” Chill. It’s not because your friends hate you. Sometimes fondue parties are impromptu intimate affairs. By acting passive-aggressive, you’ll just end up looking really insecure and needy. Then your friends REALLY won’t invite you to the next fondue party!
Don’t tell people you just met your deepest darkest secrets. After ten minutes into a conversation, don’t be like, “This one time I was abused by an ex-boyfriend….” or “I used to be addicted to meth.” It’s too much too soon. Self-disclosure is a delicate thing and telling people about your past meth addiction within moments of just meeting them just makes you look like a damaged oversharer. Opening up is a gradual process. You need to be perceptive about social cues and people’s individual comfort levels. So save the story about your abortion for meeting number six or something.
Don’t hack into your significant other’s emails or text messages and delete anything that looks suspicious. Don’t inquire about their schedule every moment of every day. Listen, relationships bring out the crazy in people. It’s sort of unavoidable but you need to stifle the insanity that exists inside of you. Only one person should know about the freaky thoughts that run through your head and that’s you. Period. Craziness: party of one.
Don’t be shady. Don’t tell people you’re going somewhere when you’re really going to do some weird shameful secret activity. Leading a double life is actually the craziest thing ever. Go into any nice hotel and you’ll see so many people living their secret life. You’ll see men with children who live in New Jersey escaping to New York City to pee on some hooker’s leg in a shower for $200.00. One moment they’re kissing their wife on the cheek and the next they’re telling some random person to call them Daddy in midtown. It’s real. Too real.
Be nice. Be honest. Be sensitive. Be aware of social situations and pick up on moods. Be not crazy.