1. Working out at the gym
Hipsters typically get most of their exercise from pressing “Refresh” on their MacBook Pro and making up strange dance moves at a bar. But some of them are secret fitness fanatics. Seeing them at the YMCA or 24 Hour Fitness sweating to Lady Gaga in a unfashionable outfit is unexpected and even jarring. Instead of wearing Doc Marten’s or Mary Jane’s, they’re wearing New Balance sneakers and loose-fitting pants. Having all of that room to move their body around must be unusual for them. After all, they’re used to skinny jeans and skinny tees and oh my god, I can’t breathe but damn I look good. But I think more hipsters go to the gym than we think. They’re too hot and their bodies are too perfect. They don’t become that way from just dancing at a Glass Candy show and going on a coke binge.
2. Hanging out with their family
Hipsters would like you to think that they don’t have parents. It’s as if they just appeared on the streets of Bedford Avenue or Silverlake fully formed with a cigarette dangling from their lips and a fake ID. That’s why seeing them somewhere on a family outing is so insane and rare. They’ll be decked out in a super cute outfit looking so bored with their uncool family. Their dad will be portly and their mother will wear an outfit from Chico’s and like to talk a lot about delicious meals and the weather. Maybe the hipster will have a five-year-old brother who still poops his pants and causes a ruckus. They’ll just look so over it the entire time and hide behind a fedora whispering, “I wish my parents were chic. Like Diane Keaton and Woody Allen in Annie Hall or something.”
The people who attend weddings are usually old drunk family members who cry and like to dance to Oingo Boingo. If the bride and groom are young and of hipster age, it usually means they’re Christian, which means they and their friends are not hipsters. Occasionally though, you’ll come across the one alternative guest who’s wearing a funky untraditional outfit and getting drunk at the “singles” table. They’ll pick at their cake and feel self conscious about doing the Macarena. They are typically alone in their hipsterdom and are given confused looks by their peers and grandparents. In an even rarer instance, there can be an entire hipster wedding. The bride and groom are very Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer and they met at a flea market fighting over the last antique typewriter. Instead of giving the guests disposable cameras, every table will have a Holga or Polaroid camera. Their song will be “I’ll Be Your Mirror” by The Velvet Underground and there will be a lot of Betsey Johnson dresses. For dessert, they’ll serve something precious and twee like tarts or cupcakes with vegan options. Someone will arrive on their fixed gear bike. Maybe it will even be the bridge and groom.
4. Planned Parenthood
Even though most hipsters are babes, they have a weird asexual vibe to them. Some of the girls are too into dressing like their grandma and the guys can be non-threatening sweethearts. They make out a lot to mixed tapes and go on bike rides together, but it’s hard to imagine some of them getting fucked and being very sexual. I’ve never been to Planned Parenthood before but I imagine it to be full of smarter Teen Mom‘s. Having a girl walk in wearing an Angela Chase shapeless floral dress and being like. “I need a morning after pill or an abortion. Make it quick because I’m expected to fly kites with my friends later! ” would come off as very strange.
5. Going to a chain restaurant (without a sense of irony)
Lately there seems to be a trend amongst hipsters of going to a chain restaurant like T.G.I.Fridays or The Cheesecake Factory. They sneak in next to the obese family of ten and tweet pictures of their giant plate of nachos. The last time I went to The Olive Garden, I spotted five groups of hipsters. They’re such a tricky bunch! Once you feel like you have them pegged, they’ll do something outrageous and leave their vegan co-op and get an oversized plate of pasta and chocolate cake. It’s kitschy, amusing, and above all, so unhip that’s hip.