1. Lindsay Lohan AKA The Crazy Friend
We’ve all been friends with a Lindsay Lohan—a crazy hot girl who’s a blast to hang out with until she’s stolen all of your drugs, clothes and boyfriend. She’s the friend you invite to parties with a warning. “Listen, my friend Lindsay is coming and she’s a bit of a loose cannon. Just be chill around her and I’m sorry if she does anything too insane. Love her though!” The Lindsay Lohans are self-destructive but they also have a kind of energy that’s intoxicating to be around. They’re just sort of fascinating tragic figures who live their life with such a fervor and when it comes crashing down, they’re just like “whatevs!” If I were friends with Lindsay, I would secretly switch out her coke for sugar and move her to Kansas City, Missouri where she can knit, make lemonade, and be the hot girl at the local bar. Did you hear that, Lindsay? Call me. I think you left your career at my house.
2. Dakota Fanning AKA The Really Young Friend
Have you ever met someone really cool and found out they were still a baby? It’s a bummer but it doesn’t mean you should forego a friendship with them. Dakota Fanning would be like my little sister. I would try to be a mentor and steer her in the right direction. I would marvel at how much energy she had (OMG teenagers are so youthful and exhausting) and give her boy advice like, “That kid will break your hymen and then your heart. Stay away.” And she’d be super cute about everything and maybe talk shit about her little sister Elle. “She stole my Barbies when we were younger and now she’s stealing my movie roles!” and I’d be like, “I know, Dakota. It’s so fucked. Do you want another chai?” Sometimes having a younger friend is refreshing. For a moment you can kind of pretend you’re still 16 and caring about things that don’t matter. It’s cute. Dakota, call me. My number is 420-6969. I think you left your cheerleading outfit at my house.
3. Kirsten Dunst AKA The Cool Friend
So I know Kirsten Dunst has sort of embarrassed herself like Lohan has but she’s recovered quite well. She’s getting her career back on track and drinking her wine behind closed doors. I personally love her. She just seems like a normal hipster you’d meet at a bar except she has a lot of money, has dated 8,000 famous people, and made out with Brad Pitt when she was like ten on camera. I would love to accompany her on a shopping trip to buy furniture for her Los Feliz bungalow. I’d be like. “Kirsten, you need this thousand dollar Barbarella glass bubble chair. Jane Fonda just texted me and was like, ‘Buy it.’ Oh my god, you’re so much prettier than Jane Fonda though. You’re like seriously pretty.” And then she would do it and then we would saunter off to a lunch date at some vegan cafe and talk about how much we hate Scarlett Johannson or something. During lunch she would get an alarming text and be like, “Oh no. Lykke Li is having another breakdown. Gotta go!” I would understand because Lykke Li always has breakdowns and Kirsten is such a good friend. Kirsten, call me. You left your harem pants at my house.
4. Natalie Portman AKA The Smart Friend
Natalie Portman is sort of like jesus Christ but better because she can do ballet and she has a degree from Harvard. I think she would be a really good listener. She would just get it. And she’d never talk about Hollywood. She’d only discuss Jerusalem and Joan Didion and maybe this tasty particular kind of hummus from Trader Joe’s. Edit: Natalie and I are friends! Here’s the two of us at some premiere!
Jealous? Natalie, call me. You left some thick intimidating book at my house.
5. James Franco AKA The Enigmatic Weird Hot Friend
It’s always kind of a buzzkill when a really hot guy turns out to be a freak. They’re way too inside their own head and difficult to deal with. James Franco is worth the effort though. I would sit through an entire rehearsal of James Franco by James Franco for James Franco: The Musical if it meant we could maybe makeout later. I would probably need to take some kind of drug though to deal with the weird things that came out of his mouth. I would place invisible tape over his lips and just chant to myself, “He’s a babe. He’s a babe. He’s a babe.” James, call me. I think you left your homosexuality at my house. You better come pick that up! It’s important.