Five Celebrities I Would Like To Be Friends With

1. Lindsay Lohan AKA The Crazy Friend

We’ve all been friends with a Lindsay Lohan—a crazy hot girl who’s a blast to hang out with until she’s stolen all of your drugs, clothes and boyfriend. She’s the friend you invite to parties with a warning. “Listen, my friend Lindsay is coming and she’s a bit of a loose cannon. Just be chill around her and I’m sorry if she does anything too insane. Love her though!” The Lindsay Lohans are self-destructive but they also have a kind of energy that’s intoxicating to be around. They’re just sort of fascinating tragic figures who live their life with such a fervor and when it comes crashing down, they’re just like “whatevs!” If I were friends with Lindsay, I would secretly switch out her coke for sugar and move her to Kansas City, Missouri where she can knit, make lemonade, and be the hot girl at the local bar. Did you hear that, Lindsay? Call me. I think you left your career at my house.

2. Dakota Fanning AKA The Really Young Friend

Have you ever met someone really cool and found out they were still a baby? It’s a bummer but it doesn’t mean you should forego a friendship with them. Dakota Fanning would be like my little sister. I would try to be a mentor and steer her in the right direction. I would marvel at how much energy she had (OMG teenagers are so youthful and exhausting) and give her boy advice like, “That kid will break your hymen and then your heart. Stay away.” And she’d be super cute about everything and maybe talk shit about her little sister Elle. “She stole my Barbies when we were younger and now she’s stealing my movie roles!” and I’d be like, “I know, Dakota. It’s so fucked. Do you want another chai?” Sometimes having a younger friend is refreshing. For a moment you can kind of pretend you’re still 16 and caring about things that don’t matter. It’s cute. Dakota, call me. My number is 420-6969. I think you left your cheerleading outfit at my house.

3. Kirsten Dunst AKA The Cool Friend

So I know Kirsten Dunst has sort of embarrassed herself like Lohan has but she’s recovered quite well. She’s getting her career back on track and drinking her wine behind closed doors. I personally love her. She just seems like a normal hipster you’d meet at a bar except she has a lot of money, has dated 8,000 famous people, and made out with Brad Pitt when she was like ten on camera. I would love to accompany her on a shopping trip to buy furniture for her Los Feliz bungalow. I’d be like. “Kirsten, you need this thousand dollar Barbarella glass bubble chair. Jane Fonda just texted me and was like, ‘Buy it.’ Oh my god, you’re so much prettier than Jane Fonda though. You’re like seriously pretty.” And then she would do it and then we would saunter off to a lunch date at some vegan cafe and talk about how much we hate Scarlett Johannson or something. During lunch she would get an alarming text and be like, “Oh no. Lykke Li is having another breakdown. Gotta go!” I would understand because Lykke Li always has breakdowns and Kirsten is such a good friend. Kirsten, call me. You left your harem pants at my house.

4. Natalie Portman AKA The Smart Friend

Natalie Portman is sort of like jesus Christ but better because she can do ballet and she has a degree from Harvard. I think she would be a really good listener. She would just get it. And she’d never talk about Hollywood. She’d only discuss Jerusalem and Joan Didion and maybe this tasty particular kind of hummus from Trader Joe’s. Edit: Natalie and I are friends! Here’s the two of us at some premiere!

Jealous? Natalie, call me. You left some thick intimidating book at my house.

5. James Franco AKA The Enigmatic Weird Hot Friend

It’s always kind of a buzzkill when a really hot guy turns out to be a freak. They’re way too inside their own head and difficult to deal with. James Franco is worth the effort though. I would sit through an entire rehearsal of James Franco by James Franco for James Franco: The Musical if it meant we could maybe makeout later. I would probably need to take some kind of drug though to deal with the weird things that came out of his mouth. I would place invisible tape over his lips and just chant to myself, “He’s a babe. He’s a babe. He’s a babe.” James, call me. I think you left your homosexuality at my house. You better come pick that up! It’s important. TC mark

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original image – Gordon Vasquez

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • CC

    New favorite Thought Catalog article of all time. Ryan, you are number 1 on my list of internet people I would like to be friends with.

  • Stephanie Georgopulos

    I lol'ed multiple times

  • Erik Stinson

    wee man?

  • jmbg


  • myownmetaphor

    So obviously move to New Haven so you can befriend James. And also me. I can be the stand in for Dakota. Only better, because I'm not blonde! It really is just too perfect. Side note, this shit is hilarious. I wonder if some celebrities want to be friends with one another and think this same type of thing? I realize there was no segway between those two thoughts…

  • Joseph Ernest Harper

    would like to be friends with Larry David. Would like to be his son.

  • Aja

    I like this but I wish everyone would stop with the “Natalie Portman can do ballet” schtick. I'm sure she's got plenty of talents (like being an awesome actress and super smart), but the girl had a body double. Ballet is hard and cannot be mastered in a year. End of story.

    • OhYaKnow

      Ballet can't be mastered in a lifetime, but look at what she actually did. It's fucking impressive how little they used her double.

      • Aja

        I disagree. Her shots were all of her upper body or being carried by a dude. Impressive? Not particularly. I've been dancing for five years. I am not even remarkably close to doing half of what her body double did. I just don't subscribe to giving celebrities so much credit. It's bad enough they make more money than the rest of us.

  • Jenni

    If I could have dinner with all of them at the same time, I'd have Natalie on my right so we can discuss Kant and Lindsay on my left so we can talk about 'The Parent Trap'…and James, well, he'd have to sit across from me. Obviously. :)

    • georgie

      I'd have James next to me. Obviously ;)

    • Mish

      I'd be sitting on top of him.

  • Diana Z.

    One time a few years back, I imagined taking LiLo away from hollywood and taking her on a road trip. on this road trip, she would go back to “what really matters”. We could chill out at rest stops drinking coffee, and she'd realize that she's better than all bullshit she usually has to deal with. Maybe I've just invented a new type of rehab.

    Of course, that was before the whole “shoplifting” incident. She's beyond help now.

  • Cool

    I wish Natalie Portman acted as smart as she actually is.

  • Whyyyyyyyy

    I remember Devendra Banhart told some magazine who was interviewing him that he regretted dating Natalie Portman because she was so fucking creepy and crazy. That's coming from the dude who invented 'freak folk' and used to have a 40 inch long beard before he shaved it off and became a Los Angeles hipster twink.

    • he said he said

      my friend dated devendra directly after nat-po and he said that she was just too uptight and didn't like his friends…

  • OhYaKnow

    I'd add Mika for that friend of whose sexuality is never found out but you secretly have all that tension with and end up texting until like, five in the morning, but nothing ever comes of it because he gets a super-hot friend named Alex while at school.

  • Urethra Franklin

    Ryan O'Connell is a jack of all trades.

  • Michael Koh

    This made me laugh. Thanks man, thanks.

  • Katie

    Ryan you left your friendship 6-pack I got us at my house.


    I know he's not very young or cool, but I think Matt Damon would be great to know.

  • sillyselfishdizzy

    cool phone number!

  • Carlywho

    I see Kristen Dunst at bars all the time around Los Feliz / Silverlake. She is always shit-hammered.

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