Dear Gay Dude,
I am one of those straight dudes who happens to live with an incontrollable gay vibe around himself. I’m comfortable with the fact that I’m into girls, but my taste in music (GAGA!), fashion (BALENCIAGA!), and my hobbies (KNITTING!) seem to mislead many people, particularly impressionable young gay dudes, into ignoring what I say when I try to be honest about my sexual preferences (come out of the heterosexual closet, if you will). It’s like they see me the way Kurt sees Blaine on Glee: as someone super comfortable with his sexuality and identity, even if they refuse to accept that the sexuality I’m comfortable with is eminently heterosexual. This leads many gay dudes into not understanding that my lack of attraction towards them isn’t a personal “I’m not into YOU” thing. It also drives many straight girls into adopting me as a sort of gay best friend who just happens to be straight, all without giving further consideration to the fact that I may very well be attracted to them or their super cool female friend. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel like I’m breaking some kind of rule when I have to tell yet another incredulous gay dude that I am not gay or yet another oblivious female friend that I am actually attracted to her. Maybe it’s because of the community I live in, which is kind of conservative, but for some reason they never, ever take it well and always assume I’m lying to cover up my gayness. Sometimes it’s just easier to give it a rest and let people think I’m gay. How can I be honest with people about my sexuality without hurting their feelings? Should I even try?
-Glitch in your gaydar
Dear Glitch (I originally read that as glitter) in your gaydar,
The solution to your problem is easy: Stop acting like such a fag, you sissy! Man up! JUST KIDDING. Oh my god, can you imagine if that was the kind of advice I gave? Spooky. In all honesty though, I’m obsessed with your dilemma because it’s so 2011. Welcome to the burden of…heterosexuality. You can thank the media for bombarding us with the Will & Grace‘s and Queer Eye‘s, and creating this archetypal gay dude. Now there’s like this paranoia amongst straight women that’s like, “Oh no. This man I’m on a date with hasn’t destroyed my self-esteem yet and he’s wearing really nice loafers. Must be gay!”
I have some advice for you. My first suggestion is that you just move to New York City and live amongst straight men who are more like you. Here you can like Balenciaga, Gaga, and knitting, and no one will give a shit. New York is just progressive like that! But if you can’t move to New York just because some dude at Thought Catalog told you to, here are some other tips. Regarding the gay men who are on your jock because they think you’re a big ol’ closet case, don’t even worry about them. Swat them away like flies. They’re harmless. With girls, however, it’s going to be trickier. First of all, it’s possible that women are so quick to adopt you as a friend rather than a lover not because they think you’re gay but because you’re non-threatening. When you meet someone you have a boner for, you have a small window of opportunity to show them that you’re interested in seeing them naked (especially if you’re being perceived as having a lot of feminine qualities). If a woman doesn’t get the vibe that you’re into her parts, they’ll quickly move on and compartmentalize you as a friend. I think you may be missing your window. And I know this advice may be kind of cheesy and bordering on Cosmo but you should just try to be more assertive. Don’t go up to a girl and rub your hard dick against her and be like, “See? You are responsible for this erection. You made this happen! Not a guy, a girl!” but just ask her out on a date or something. Or you could be kind of a freak and casually mention all the ex-girlfriends you’ve had so she gets the hetero memo. You could definitely find a way to drop hetero bombs without seeming so “doth protest too much.”
You’re also probably going after the wrong girls. You seem like a sensitive nice guy who’s falling for the girl who likes macho assholes. You need to find a female who wants to wear Balenciaga with you and will get excited when you knit her a sweater. Honestly, just move out of your conservative town and move to any metropolitan city. You’ll get more vagina than you know what to do with.