Start with 4 scoops of I Hate Myself (you can buy this at your local grocery store for $6.66). Have something in your life—a relationship, drugs, chocolate cake—that you must get rid of. It has begun to impact your life negatively, you’re doing it to excess, you wake up every morning disliking yourself because of it. It’s just no good.
Add a liberal amount of denial. You can’t fathom having your security blanket ripped away from you. I mean, you’re too young to stop something completely. Isn’t this the time to make mistakes anyway? You can afford to waste a few years. You can afford to be with someone who treats you badly, you can gain the weight and lose it later, you can be an alcoholic till your thirty. Thirty is the age you’ve made up in your head for when good things become bad. Before that, it’s just being young and fancy free.
Be alternately fascinated and terrified by the disconnect that exists in your brain. How could we continually do the things we know that will hurt us? How can we no longer say no to ourselves? Where did the power go? Discover that we all lose it at some point, but to varying degrees of severity. We all have had no learning curve at some point or another. There are moments when we are not the boss of ourselves. Our boyfriend is king, our manipulative friend gains power, our Adderall casts a spell on us. We become second billing. “My life story starring: NOT ME (fuck!}.”
Add 4,000 cups of resolve. Say to whatever it is that’s taking over your life, “I’m not your bitch, bitch. I’m numero uno!” Deliver this while an empowering song plays in the background; something of the disco variety, rap, or Journey. Then throw the awful evil thing that has been ruining your life in the trash (this can even include your loser boyfriend or your crippling struggle with bulimia), and be like, “XOXO, In Recovery Gurl.”
Add 10 dashes of euphoria. For the first few days, quitting will be the best thing ever.Just knowing that you have the power to delete something that was once taking over your life is going to feel amazing. And then it’s not. Then it’s going to feel bad, then it’s going to feel like quitting. But keep on with it and it just becomes another facet of your life. You used to be a person who did this and that until you could no longer do this or that.
Garnish with 1 epiphany. Everyone quits something in their life—from a bad relationship to heroin—and it’s painful and it sucks. But quitting something is also insanely rejuvenating. It’s a sign that you’re doing life the right way, and you’re not going to settle for anything less. Quitting is winning.