Throw in a million moments of “I can’t keep going like this.” Be at a breaking point. Every day is filled with the same stress and the same bullshit. You wake up every morning with a sense of dread and go to bed feeling anxious. You’re too young to feel this old. Realize you need a day to disconnect, to unwind, and relax. Tell your boss via email that you’re projectile vomiting and hallucinating koala bears, and won’t be coming into work. Before you have a chance to see their response, turn off your phone and say to yourself, “Bye bitches! I’m doing a freelance job today at a place called Do You.”
Take 1 long bath. Baths only make sense for children and stressed out twentysomethings. Soak in the tub with a glass of wine with some Miles Davis wafting through your speakers. Feel so chic! Your skin will start to prune, which means you must stay in the tub for twenty more minutes. Go underwater and play dead. Feel like your Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted. For some reason, it feels exciting instead of depressing. When you get out, notice that it feels like you’ve just had a 90 minute massage. Make a promise to yourself you know you can’t keep about taking a bath once a week.
Walk around the house naked. Clothing should be illegal on relaxing days. Pay attention to the way your body moves when it’s not cloaked in oppressive fabric, and then get into bed and fuck yourself. That’s right. Fuck. Yourself. Have 1 hot masturbation session—the kind that involves you moving around dramatically in the sheets and making noises you didn’t even know you were capable of making. Apologize to your body for neglecting it. (Note: If you have a BF/GF, call them up and be like, “I’m taking the day off of work. Come over and get on top of me.” and spend a good portion of your day swimming in the sea of your partner).
Light 10 candles so your apartment smells like a bourgie clothing store. Watch an episode of Friends, Sex and the City, and The Hills— three shows that are the TV equivalent as a bar of Xanax. It’s like eating mashed up baby food; they’re the easiest things in the world to digest/watch. You could watch an episode with one eye open, drooling, and with partial brain damage, and still get the gist of the plot.
If you’re on a diet, delete it immediately. No one can relax by eating a kale salad. Order 2 hamburgers (marinated in regret) with a side of Fuck, This Tastes Good. (Fuck, This Tastes Good cannot be purchased at Whole Foods or your local organic grocery store. Sowwy). Eat the food with fervor. Moan in ecstasy. Let things drip from your face. Go from your boyfriend’s cum to yum!
Make 1 important promise to yourself. Don’t go outside. Outside is too real. Outside has the potential for stress. Outside doesn’t have internet porn or smell like your amazing candles. Watch the sky darken from your window and feel good about it.
As the night winds down, feel an important sense of accomplishment wash over you. Realize that sometimes doing nothing can be the hardest job of all. Disconnecting from your electronic leashes can be a more difficult task than answering 50 emails in 30 minutes. The point of a relaxing day is to reacquaint yourself with You again. You has been buried. You has been drowning under all of the things they need to do in order to “live.” You has been at the dry cleaners, at the grocery store, at the bank and most of all, You has been at the office. Screw that and save You. Decide to fuck You, feed You, bathe You, love You! Because if you don’t, you could end up hating You along with everyone else.