5 Activities To Do On Ambien That Don’t Involve Sleeping

When you take an Ambien, you can do one of two things. 1. Use it for its intended purpose and actually sleep. 2. Get fucked up. To be fair, sometimes the latter happens on accident. When you take the pill, you have a small window of opportunity to actually get in your bed and shut your eyes. It’s almost like you’re in a race. Who’s going to win? Sleep or Ambien? I made the mistake one time of taking an Ambien and then doing my bedtime rituals (brushing my teeth, locking the door, changing into pajamas, and tidying up). Even though these things take me no more than ten minutes to actually do, the Ambien had already kicked in mid-toothbrush stroke, and I realized I was doomed. Things immediately got wobbly and even though I ran into my bed, went under the covers, turned off the light, and shut my eyes tight, I knew that the Ambien was going to tell me a little bedtime story before I could go to sleep. Unfortunately, this bedtime story involved doing most of the activities listed below.

1. Eat

Ambien is a fatass. It puts weed munchies to shame. You could have eaten a huge dinner and it still wouldn’t matter because when the Ambien hits, a ravenous hunger takes over you and you begin to crave strange things like hard boiled eggs, spaghetti and meatballs, and an entire box of Wheat Thins. Ambien wants what Ambien wants and it will leave a path of destruction in its quest to be satisfied. I have woken up with a half-eaten Oreo on my chest the morning after an Ambien night with hummus and crackers strewn across my floor. It looked like the Cookie Monster broke into my house or something! People who take Ambien regularly must gain 50 pounds. And the worst part is that you have no recollection of consuming the 2,000 calories. Your entire weight gain is achieved in a blackout.

2. Fuck

This one is obvious. We’ve all heard that sex on Ambien is supposed to be insane. It’s never described as good or bad sex, it’s just insane. I’ve never done it, but I’m curious as to what it would actually feel like. You’re not very coordinated on Ambien so would it just be two bodies flopping together in ecstasy? The thing that would worry me the most though is the increased likelihood of having unprotected sex. In an Ambien haze, you can’t even remember to turn off your lights so what makes you think you would have the foresight and dexterity to put on a condom? I bet there’s going to be a new term coming up in the next year or two. It’s going to be called “Ambien baby.” Imagine explaining to your child, “Honey, you weren’t a mistake. Mommy and daddy were just fucked up on sleeping pills. We don’t even remember you being conceived! Love you so much though.”

3. Write fan mail

I got the funniest email once from someone who admitted she was composing the entire email on Ambien. Republished with permission from the author, here’s an excerpt I’d like to share:

my most recently developed post-graduate lyfestyle tradition is to write an e-mail to someone when i take an ambien before completely passing out. this has happened a few times now (this drug makes me feel too weird to take it more often than that), and i really enjoy its function as written documentation of a drug experience. i can’t wait to regret this later in life when i am trying to be a post-modern politician… j/k!!

in the past, i have always written these e-mails to trusted friends. reasons for this are pretty obvious; friends know the usual things to expect to come from my waking, generally functioning brain. you know, totally clever/witty/on-point/just drop a beat and i’ll bust a freestyle rap track. and so, with the ambien email we can all find fun in some non-judgmental lolz the next morning from reading a new record of devolving coherence // drug-induced departure from reality. everyone loves a good rendition of neurotransmitters working their magic, right? this is scientific data y’all.

but tonight i am taking a new approach to the ambien e-mail (ambiemail?) tradition, because i am writing to you, ryan o’connell. unfortunately (for me at least), we are not friends, but apparently i still decided to choose you to be the receiver of my next a-mail. this fact has not seemed to stop my flow, considering how many sentences it appears i have already produced whenever i scroll up. when did those even happen? looks like a bit of ramblien, so glambien right now.

so what i’m realizing (besides that i do not need to be listening to godspeed write now if i’m going to finish this sitting up) is the thread you share with the other receivers of these ambiemails. as with my friends who know how my mind works normally, i apparently trust explaining/exposing things to you in a context like this one. it seems that you too have a sense of how my brain might work “regularly,” despite having never met me. this is a form of trust that you have instilled through your writing, in myself and surely many other readers of certain demographics. i don’t know about calling it a gift or a power or anything, but it’s certainly an accomplishment. it is important.

Ramblien? Glambien? Funnier words have never been typed!

4. Do yoga

When my friend and I were traveling through Europe, we did take the occasional Ambien to help with jet lag (Don’t judge. I was jet lag’s bitch for a solid week!) Anyway, shortly after my friend and I had taken it one night, I heard a noise in the living room and found her getting into yoga positions. She was essentially doing Ambien P.E. (a class I wish I took in high school). I don’t really know what implored her to get her fitness on at 2 a.m. in our apartment in Barcelona while under the influence of Ambien, but she seemed to be really into doing downwards facing dog.

5. Call your friends

“Ambidialing” blows drunk dialing out of the water. A few months ago, my friend called me on Ambien and started to tell me in a shaky ethereal voice that she was so blessed, her life was so blessed, her apartment was so blessed, her couch was blessed, her bed was blessed. I, for one, felt blessed to be the friend on the receiving end of the phone call. One thing I apparently didn’t know about Ambien? It helps you gain perspective and reach happy epiphanies about your life. “I didn’t know you could use Ambien to sleep. Cool!” TC mark

image – Ben Chau

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    TC2H

  • Uhnonnymus

    Best article on this website. That girl's letter, hahahaha!

  • Craig Messner

    At least i can blame my compulsion to seek out strange pornography on something external now

  • chelseafagan

    lolololololololol

  • Camille

    I've done all of these. One time on ambien, I found myself suddenly cognizant, blasting the Polyphonic Spree, making a nest for a stuffed dog toy in a birdcage adorned with jewelry and ribbons. I don't know why I thought the toy deserved a nest, but by God, he had one fit for a grand duchess.

  • federico

    does this work with rite aide or cvs brand sleeping pills? feel like ive ben doing the sleeping pill thing wrong

    • Captain Colon

      No; they aren't even remotely similar. OTC sleeping pills are just antihistamines.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “Honey, you weren’t a mistake. Mommy and daddy were just fucked up on sleeping pills. We don’t even remember you being conceived! Love you so much though.”

    Thank you Ryan, you are too funny.

  • DF

    was going to send this to a friend, then read #3 and realized that said friend wrote that #unnecessary

  • http://twitter.com/hallithbates hallithbates

    My mom takes ambien. One time my brother and I were talking to her while she was in bed and had already taken it, but wasn't falling asleep. She ended up agreeing to let us draw/paint all over her face, which we did.

    • Ardra

      Hahaha! :D

  • macwb05

    i wasn't on it, but apparently ambien really makes girls want to have a threesome

    like…a lot

  • Naya

    Get some food/bring it upstairs to your room/forget something (cutlery/beverage/condiments)/go back downstairs to get it/forget why you went downstairs/get more food/bring upstairs/repeat

  • anon

    Not “implored.” You mean something else but I can't remember the word, either. ;)

    Ah! Compelled!

  • dub585

    Ambien, the only reason my ex ever wanted to have sex! All I had to do was keep her from going to sleep during that small window.

    • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

      Creepy!

  • Hilary

    The Ambient baby thing is real. My friend has one! True story.

  • Guest

    This killed me. And Ambien sex is the real deal. Fortunately, I have a serious bf and take an oral contraceptive so I won't be needing an Ambiortion anytime soon.. However, without fail, when we take ambiens, we do it. It seems really awesome at the time, but it's always really difficult to remember the next day. It's pretty much like having a dirty dream… And although I don't eat on Ambiens, I can say watching television is FAR more awesome on them. That one, you should totally try.

  • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

    i can't wait to try this shit!

  • Brendafager

    I have experienced all of these! And I've been taking Ambien every night for almost 4 years. I take 15mg and sleep about 4-5 hours usually. If I'm 'unusually' tired, I sleep 5 1/2 to 6. I have either EXTREME insomnia or I'm what they call a 'short sleeper'. Doctor and counselor and I still working on figuring that one out. I actually was eating a bowl of cereal that I was inspired by Ambien to get for myself, when I spilled the cereal on my bed, cleaned it up, stripped the sheets, remade the bed – even putting a towel under the sheets on the wet part to keep it from soaking through the sheet! And the only reason I know I did this is because I saw the pile of dirty sheets on the floor at the foot of my bed the next morning!!! I have no actual physical memory of stripping the sheets, putting the towel down or remaking the bed. And I want to point out that I'm so anal, the sheets and blankets were on the bed perfectly when I woke up the next morning.

  • jessucka

    oh my god i love the ambien inspired neologisms… “ramblien” “ambiortion” … i am slain.

  • http://www.facebook.com/caitier Caitie Rolls

    I'm obsessed with this!

  • Fieldson32

    took one ambien.. 15 minutes later took 5 more… 15 minutes later took 5 more. mind you i only planned on taking 1 but you see how that worked out.  long story short i went for a drive and thats all i remember.  woke up the next morning to a phone call from a police officer “do you remember talking to me last night?” “well of course i do officer” (of course i didnt is more like it).  apparently i had run out of gas, the cop gave me a ride to the gas station to fill up a portable container, gave me a ride back to my car, helped me fill up my tank and let me drive away, all while i was under the influence of 11 ambien (i know this because i knew how many i had the night before and the next morning i was 11 short)

  • Fieldson32

    took one ambien.. 15 minutes later took 5 more… 15 minutes later took 5 more. mind you i only planned on taking 1 but you see how that worked out.  long story short i went for a drive and thats all i remember.  woke up the next morning to a phone call from a police officer “do you remember talking to me last night?” “well of course i do officer” (of course i didnt is more like it).  apparently i had run out of gas, the cop gave me a ride to the gas station to fill up a portable container, gave me a ride back to my car, helped me fill up my tank and let me drive away, all while i was under the influence of 11 ambien (i know this because i knew how many i had the night before and the next morning i was 11 short)

  • Fieldson32

    i forgot to mention the reason why the officer had called is because a gas station had me caught on camera driving away with the gas nozzle still in my car and then hitting something on my way out (this was never proven so i didnt get into any trouble but my car is still fucked up)

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Must try #2. For strictly non-redeemable scientific purposes, obviously.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Must try #2. For strictly non-redeemable scientific purposes, obviously.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Must try #2. For strictly non-redeemable scientific purposes, obviously.

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