In my eyes, a dealbreaker is classified as something that someone says or does on a date that prevents it from ever moving forward. They’re the rules you don’t budge on, the qualities and behavior you deem unacceptable in a potential suitor. It’s funny to find out what people draw the line on, and what kind of things they’ll allow though. Regardless of who you are, here are the five dealbreakers I hope everyone follows.
1. I’m an actor/dancer/screenwriter/artist/dreamer/???
You know when people dive right in with the “What do you do for a living?” question, and you’re just like, “Ugh, here we go!” So you tell them your job and you say the right amount of self-deprecating things about it. Now it’s your turn to ask them what they do for a living and they respond with, “Oh, I write. I’m in the middle of writing my first novel actually. I also do graphic design sometimes and I’m in the middle of creating this big art installation, which will hopefully be at the MoMa soon.” You’re basically inundated with their crap, and it’s like you have to dig your way out of it. After listing their work on five different projects (which are in various states of completion), you can’t help but wonder how they actually pay their rent. Even though they just bombarded you with 10,000 exciting things, you realize none of them could possibly pay the bills. This is when you begin to understand they’re living la vida retail. They’re insecure about their main gig so they basically surround you with static noise. Although I empathize with anyone who’s not monetizing their true passion, someone who drowns it out with news of their super ambitious creative endeavors is a bugaboo phony. Just be like, “I work at Crate & Barrel and it sucks, but I’m working on a lot of other shit that will hopefully take off.” There’s no shame in the artistic game. There is shame, however, in trying to impress people with your fake crap.
2. I’m *insert an age you shouldn’t be dating*
I know Aaliyah once said, “age ain’t nothing but a number”, but we know she was just saying that because she secretly married R. Kelly when she was fifteen. (#DARK). In reality, age is more than just a number. In fact it can be a major dealbreaker. As you get older, your maturity starts to level out and dating someone with an 8 year age difference becomes less of a big deal. When you’re in your early twenties, however, it is a big deal. I’m 24-years-old so I’ve set my dealbreaker age to early to mid-thirties. Here’s how I rationalize it. If I’m still looking for 24-year-olds to be my boyfriend (not to just smooch on a crowded dance floor) when I’m a decade older, we have a major problem. Remember those people in your high school who had a 21-year-old boyfriend and we thought that was so cool? Now we realize it was honestly disgusting/illegal. I question large age gaps because I begin to think the older person is emotionally stunted or something. I wanna tell them to go play in the sandbox with people their own age.
3. I have a child
No, you don’t. You do? Oh. Wait, really? Hmm. Gee, how old? Seven! And how old are you? 27! Right. So do you realize that I’m still a child? You do! Okay. BRB. I have to wash my hair.
4. I’m a different political affiliation than you
My best friend’s mother once told me something that always stuck with me. When discussing marriage, you must figure out if you see eye to eye on three things: Sex, politics, and religion. If you don’t, you probably shouldn’t be together. I feel like this advice is very true. Politics, in particular, are very important. Even though you might not think about them too much in your day-to-day, you discover how passionate you are when faced with an opposing viewpoint. For me, the thought of dating a Log Cabin Republican sends chills down my liberal spine.
5. I’m not funny
In the past, I’ve dated people and been like, “they’re so sweet and smart and we have similar interests. Why do I feel 0% for them? Am I a coldhearted bitch? Then I realize that they’ve never made me laugh. Like ever. All this time I’ve mistaken their laughter at my jokes as an actual contribution to funny banter. But it’s not a contribution. It’s a “ha. ha.” People who have no sense of humor alternately fascinate and terrify me. I want to put them in a glass room and study them curiously. “Why are they not making a funny comment about what just happened? Someone just handed him a joke and they didn’t do anything with it. I don’t understand!” They might as well be born with two toes. No, wait. That would make more sense. That could be attributed to a defect at birth. Book closed. But there’s no real excuse for someone not to be funny. You shouldn’t date/marry an unfunny person because as you get older, life is going to get seriously fucked and you’ll need someone there to keep you from crying. However, if you’re an unfunny person too, feel free to snatch someone up who’s equally as humorless. It makes our dating jobs easier.