The Kinds of People You Can Meet at a House Party

Setting: Hell. Otherwise known as a friend of a friend’s birthday party. You didn’t want to go, but your friend begged and promised you babes and booze so now you’re here. It takes you 2.5 seconds to realize you know no one and need to make some friends. Who will you meet?

The girl who wants to tell you her life story

This girl seems normal at first. She’s wearing a cute cocktail dress and has a nice glass of wine in her hand. She’s super friendly so you think, “What the hell?! Maybe sparks will fly!” Within moments, however, you realize that you’ve stepped into a trap; you’ve accidentally started a conversation with the token drunk girl who overshares. After five minutes, you already know about her bummer of an ex-boyfriend (“like he loved me but he didn’t love me, you know?”), the reasons behind her taking a leave of absence from school (“I was just, like, in a really fucked up space, but I’m happy now. I no longer eat gluten and I deleted my Facebook!”), and the assortment of mood stabilizers she takes in order to stay normal {“I really shouldn’t even be drinking, but carpe diem!”). Dear God, how could this have happened? You look around and notice that everyone around you is standing at least ten feet away. They know. They got the memo. You didn’t. You’ve become the sacrificial lamb and now you must find a way out. See the girl’s mouth flap up and down and hear her the say words, “psychiatric facility, bad break-up, crazy, all better, happy clouds, I like ice cream”, and start to lose it. Eventually just blurt out, “I’m going to go over…here.” and inch away. Watch her laugh nervously and shout, “TTYL.”

The dude who wants to network

This is the guy who immediately asks what you do for a living and then bombards you with the names of people you both may know. “Do you know so-and-so? He’s a really good acquaintance. What about blah blah? Between me and you, I can’t stand them!” Then they will find a way to incorporate themselves in your work, and pitch something. It all comes off as terribly tacky. You look around and there’s a girl who looks like a giant pastry puff doing karaoke to “Come On Eileen”, and you just want to say to the guy, “Can we not? I was really just hoping to make it out of here alive. Maybe catch a buzz and go to second base with someone in the bathroom.” But you can’t say what you truly feel because that would be deemed inappropriate party behavior. Sure, you can tell a relative stranger about your depression, or try to weasel your way into their job, but you can’t say, ” This is too much. Bye.” No way! Are you crazy?!

The intellectuals

These people are a total buzzkill. They’re typically male, like to drink brandy, and dress like the dudes from Interpol. They travel in packs, and like to use passionate smart voices. They’re talking about Proust maybe or Nietzsche. You try to enter the conversation, but you’re feeling lazy. You just want to talk about Rebecca Black, booze, and Paula Abdul, but they aren’t having it. So like a lost puppy, you wander to the next group. You’re a party boy orphan at this point. You want to be adopted, but everyone is just too fucking crazy.

The person who is doing coke in the bathroom and/or more wasted than anyone else at the party

This person is committing party fouls right and left. In the span of ten minutes, they’ve done somersaults, cried in someone’s arms, and started a fight with a random person over a slice of cake. You try to avoid them like the Ebola virus, but you eventually run into their sad droopy drunk face. They’ll say to you, “I don’t know you, but I know that I need you to be on my level. Because everyone else here isn’t and it’s fucked up!” They may offer you some coke in a sketchy fashion and be like “meet me in the bathroom byeeeee.” You’ll think about what this girl’s life is like at 3 in the afternoon. Does she work? Does she pay her bills, tie her shoes, cry at commercials for Asprin, and cook herself dinner? What is she doing when she’s not acting like a hot mess? People are weird.

The person who also doesn’t want to be at a house party

You find them in the corner texting and you zero in. They could be someone cute who you’d like to sleep with, or just be a person you could have a conversation with without wanting to kill yourself. They look up and smile at you with reservation, You make a joke about having a really good time, and they look relieved. You discuss not being in the mood for this right now, and they agree. Here you are. Two negative Nancys in the corner of a house party, talking shit and feeling superior. Ah, it feels good! Eureka. You’ve found a home! TC mark

image – Jason White

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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    I'm that person in the corner. Come talk to me.

  • Tristancloy

    meh at best

  • lukebourassa

    You left out:
    The person who's super-desperate to get laid
    The d-bag who doesn't directly know the host, so he'll act the fool later
    The merry prankster

  • Heretica Neue

    I'm that person in the corner. Please don't come talk to me. I'm antisocial and introverted and I'm trying to find an escape route. Scratch that. If you have an escape route, come talk to me. Otherwise, leave me be.

  • oversharing anonymous

    I like this because I met you at a house party over the weekend.

    • Ryan O'Connell


  • El puto

    I'm the person outside drinking heavily, jamming to my iPod, chain smoking cigs and the occasional jay of shwag hoping the night will magically turn into some huge ball of fun. I'm also the person sitting in the living room, talking to a random party goer mindlessly [fake conversation – you know the type] while paying attention to every other conversation going on in the room in full detail, trying to get any edge I can while I'm there.

  • faith

    I'm also that person in the corner.
    I came because I thought it might be fun but I was wrong.
    I'm not texting I'm using the note function on my phone to judge everyone.

  • Tsubaki

    I'm the person under the coffee table. Because the corner isn't antisocial enough.

  • ...........

    what about the random black guys that show up at the end of every party? that's happened in every party I've ever been too.

  • Sharpas3000

    I think you forgot the guy that goes around with a camera taking everyone photos or filming chicks make out or flash them these are the same people that catch the hops fight at the end of the party because one guy slept with the other ones girlfriend in an upstairs bed room. Yeah and then they later post it to youtube title fighting over a girl

  • ryan chang

    doesn't Orphan Party Boy ever meet Creampuff Pastry Dexy's Midnight Runner's Karaoke Girl? Was looking forward to meeting her here. otherwise, spot on. I am pretty sure the intellectuals want to talk about rebecca black, but not at this party–doesn't go with their 'shtick'

  • Vee

    I felt a sense of dread reading the first description. I now worry that you may have met me.

  • Chanelcoco781

    but ur gay Ryan. Why would u be interested in babes in the first place?

  • Julian Tully Alexander

    What about the “cool kids” who hang out outside and just smoke cigarettes all night and you can't sure are even there until you are craving one and find the porch.

  • jebronnie

    Don't forget the guy who wants to look cool in front the girl(s) he's hitting on. So he singles out you (the awkward/alone I don't want to be here guy) and does something to seem all suave in front of her (such as taking your ubiquitous red cup and topping her beer off with it). Then knowing that if you retaliate you become the asshole jerk in the party for starting a fight, over a plastic cup of lukewarm piss.

    Always a lose/lose situation. Unless you can come up with a witty remark but at that point you are too tired, too indignant, drunk-but-not-quite-enough to say any drunken slur which might be on your mind. So you walk on.

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