The Advantages of Being Sober At A Bar

1. You save a bunch of money

Paying enormous amounts of money for drinks has always been a strange concept to me. It’s like, “Yes. Let me pay you fifty dollars so I can act like an asshole, eat fattening foods, and eventually vomit on the sidewalk.” That doesn’t sound right, does it? Not to mention that when you’re drinking your money transforms into Monopoly money. It’s like it becomes not real. That 40 bucks you just spent on a cab and a large pizza was actually just paper money. By remaining sober, you’ll be drinking 2 buck Shirley Temples, want to walk home, and not have a craving for a midnight snack. You’ll wake up feeling refreshed, thinner and with more money than you can imagine! Sobriety. Yay!

2. You’ll realize how creepy everyone is

You know what’s more powerful than beer goggles? H20 goggles. Yup. Hydration is the most powerful thing of all. The weirdest thing about being the only sober person in a room full of drunk people is that you’ll realize how gross everyone is. You’ll see your friend talking to someone who looks like Grendel and she’ll whisper to you, “OMG, isn’t he cute? I might go home with him. I’m bad!” Your response will be naturally that of horror and disgust. You’ll think to yourself, “Wait, is this me? Do I go home with Grendel when I’m wasted? Fuck me and fuck drinking!” You’ll also become aware of how sleazy and predatory straight dudes can be. They seriously lurk in the corner with their polo shirts and gelled hair ready to pounce on a drunk chick. As the sober one, it’s your duty to act as a bodyguard and swat away any undesirables.

3. You can act completely insane

My craziest nights out have often been the times I’ve been completely sober. Being the only person who isn’t inebriated is somehow liberating and gives you the license to act like a compete nutjob. You can behave like a wild animal and people will just look at you with their drunk glazed eyes and be very very confused. My favorite thing to do when I’m sober and dealing with mass amounts of drunk people is to make up fake identities. I’ve told people before that my name used to be Ryan but is now Rihanna because I’m “transitioning.” The expressions on their faces was literally worth the taste of five delicious cocktails and they shockingly(and perhaps insultingly) believed me {Note: You can convince drunk people of anything). Sobriety produces this natural high that, when put in contrast with a room full of drunk people, can be pretty amazing.

4. It’s sort of fun to hook up with a drunk person

Is this creepy? Here’s the scenario I have in mind: You see a cute drunk person checking you out at the bar and you feel weird about approaching them because you don’t want to feel like you’re taking advantage. But then you go over there and discover this person is actually really cool. Before you know it, your sober ass is making out with them. I know it’s weird but sometimes hooking up with someone who has 2 or 3 drinks in them can be fun. They can’t be wasted or belligerent because a.} that would be icky and b.} no fun for you. Drunk sex is only really fun when both parties are wasted. But a harmless make out sesh with a drunk person can actually be a great time. Since you’re sober, you can pretty much guarantee you’ll be the better kisser and look amazing by comparison. You can also be in total control and steer the smooching whichever way you want. OK, I feel weird about just having typed all of this. Let’s move on, shall we?

5. The feeling of superiority/accomplishment

Even though none of us have problems with alcohol (never!), it’s important to take a step back from drinking once in awhile just to show that you can do it. People can spend months/years drinking socially four nights a week without realizing how much alcohol they’re actually consuming. Just because you’re fortunate enough to drink as much as you want without developing a dependency doesn’t mean you actually should be drinking whenever you want. Alcohol is still a gnarly motherfucker that’s hard on your body. Choosing to remain sober while everyone is getting wasted will make you feel better about yourself, like you have some semblance of control over your life. TC mark

image – McBGL97

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  •!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    I was hoping to find a blank post right here

  • Ray Straight

    So what happens when everyone in your town reads this article and all show up at the same bar drinking diet cokes?

    • Julene

      Fat chance of that happening, unless you're in AA-ville.

  • uhnonnymus

    Do you ever go outside to hang out and get drunk with your friends? Or do you just sit in the corner whining and creeping on people?

    Also, what exactly is “insulting” about being mistaken for a transperson?

    • Big Mike

      Wow looks like someone really took this post to heart! Just because someone doesn't go out and get drunk every time with their friends doesn't mean they “sit in the corner whining and creeping on people.”

      And maybe it's “insulting” because he doesn't like the fact that people say he looks like a girl? Just a guess.

    • saramcgrath

      because he's not! duh

  • Julene

    The upside of #2 is also the downside. And yes, you definitely sound like a creep for #4–but it's okay, we were all thinking the same thing.

  • Brian McElmurry

    Ryan you make my work day much more entertaining. Thank you.

  • Sars

    Tottaly. I like dis. I concur. I like being high. <3 u.

  • andresmoreno1

    i am sooooo your number one FAN !! and i share the thought about hooking up with drunk people is funtastic indeed is hilarious…

  • SousChefGerard

    #4 was mild until, “You can also be in total control and steer the smooching whichever way you want. ” You might have been the first person to romanticize a sexual assault.

  • Bummer

    I've read basically all your posts, and this is the first time you've really let me down. This is lame. I will never read another one of your posts the same way again. Seriously. The Advantages of Being Sober At A Bar sounds like an oxymoron. If you're trying to be, uh healthy, don't go to a bar and parade your healthy choice. What is the point? I second Rassle' s comment. I thought this was going to be funny and sarcastic. Making fun of the fools that go to bars to be condescending… or just ugh, lame. This is so off putting. This whole thing is so… tragic.

  • Anna B

    2. You’ll realize how creepy everyone is

    oh my gawd, the creepers are terrible.

    Those nights I choose to stay sober are often the best ones. Drunken fun is nice, until you realize that some of the guys around you are totally pretending to dance with you, about an inch away. EEEEKS.


    As someone who essentially never drinks, I can say emphatically that these are all kind of true.

    The worst thing is how drunk people react to your sobriety. “You're judging me because I'm drunk!” and the like. Even though their own judgment is impaired overall, they have a razor sharp focus on the people who aren't drinking like them and really let them know how they feel about it.

  • Kate

    'You don't drink?!'
    Sometimes I feel like the only person, ever. But your post has made me really value that I choose not to (simply because I don't want to rely on it to be able to have a good time and I don't want the toxic chemicals in my body). I'll be thinking of my own transitional name for when I next go out :)

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